


Remind me I'm not home

by queenofseventeen



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, a bit of raven neil, also neil who stayed with uncle stuart, andrew's name trauma is inverted, trans neil version of the foxhole court, trans!neil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-02 23:36:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 43,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15806847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofseventeen/pseuds/queenofseventeen
Summary: "My body is in ruins but so is your mind."Natalia Wesninski did not like her body or her mind. That's why she ran away.Three years later she is Neil Josten and her past is finally catching up to her.Fiancés aren't forgiving, changing and accepting yourself is hard, exy is still rough, and the only reprieve he gets is on the field and in the eyes of someone sworn to protect him.





	1. Hospitals, clinics, and exy courts

**Author's Note:**

> First of all thank you to my fantastic artist @Mistykaru. without you, your patience and trust and every talk we've had I wouldn't have come this far. You are a hero.  
> Also thank you to my beta, Evan @Kevinwymackday. You were a gift. You've helped me search for every plot hole, called me out on my shit and more. You are amazing and I'm glad to have you as my friend.  
> Lastly, thank you to Defractum for organizing all of this! I had so much fun during this and mad respect for keeping up with all of us.
> 
> TW: All the warning from the book apply.  
> this includes: non con  
> violence/torture  
> gender dysphoria  
> death  
> weapons

The girl didn’t want to know how long it would take until _he_ found the big gap in her bank account. If he came too soon she would have to explain why she had paid a nurse that amount of money.

  
She looked to see if the door closed behind her. One step closer to being free.   
  
Could she even explain why she left herself? No. Could he even explain why he left himself? From now on it was he. That’s why he was leaving. He was she no longer.   
  
Long, auburn hair blew into her face. Step one would be cutting it all off. Then he would dye it. Step two would be building up her -no his- training regime again. He moved his left hand at the wrist. It would do for now.   
  
Three months ago they threw him into that hellhole of a clinic. Why his fiance would throw him to the wolves he didn’t know. He had always been told that psychiatrists were untrustworthy. They would try to get into your head and make you see things. Little did his fiance know that the dysphoria wasn’t a side effect of the psychiatrists. It was merely a side effect of being born.   
  
Breaking his own wrist to get away from the dark, exy infected walls was no mistake. It was an accident. Only an accident on purpose. His fiance was supposed to start as a starting striker for a class I college team that fall. It was luck that they were let out of their home.   
  
He looked into his bag once more looking at the passport, Chris Summers, the four sets of clothing, the phone number of his uncle and the money from his own bank account. His fiance would know he ran away. He couldn’t care about it.   
  
His fiance would be there to pick him up in less than two hours now. He had to move. Chris let his fingers wander to the necklace with an engraved ring attached. R.M.   
  
Chris would miss the nurse that had taken care of him. He would miss the blonde in the room next to him even more. She had been nice-ish. Mia, one of the only friends he’d been allowed at home, was nicer.   
  
Mia and Jean had gotten him out and they would pay. Chris couldn’t feel bad about it. Not when he was running away. He could only care about himself.   
  
He wouldn’t care about his fiance. Not when he had been comfort and safety for almost six years. Not when Chris could lift his shirt and found two tattoos on his hip bones. A raven. A one. The final drop. The evidence that to him she had been property but he would never be. He was his own person now.   
  
Chris started walking. He dropped his old phone and a manila folder with his old life in it in the trash can. Good riddance. He didn’t need the last things he could be tracked with.   
  
He walked to the bus stop and left Natalia Wesninski behind. He wouldn’t look back again.

 

**   
  
Neil did not look back to his year and a half in England nor to the people that had kept him company in the years before that. Who could’ve known it was that hard to keep a dead name out of people’s mouths. Uncle Stuart had warned him. You can’t be anyone for too long out there. They will know. You have to keep running and never be yourself. Because being himself got him locked up. It was a wonder nobody had recognized him when he started playing exy at Millport a year ago.   
  
Okay, to be fair uncle Stuart’s advice started out as a Why don’t you stay in England with the better crime family. His daughter Jay’s hadn’t been better. She agreed with her parents that staying with the Hatforts would be safer. That was a no to Neil. Growing up with one crime family was strange enough. Getting to escape that family was even worse. Being able to live a normal life, albeit, on the run, that was the weirdest thing to ever happen to him. He enjoyed it. Well, whenever there was no sight of the Moriyama's, the Wesninski’s, or any other person who was able to tell him apart from the dozen other kids his age. Which is why he had to stay on his feet. Run the minute someone recognized him.   
  
The bleach, contacts and glasses had to be working if he hadn’t been recognized yet. Half his life he’d posed as the friend, then the girlfriend. One day she would have had to marry, have children. Neil was blissfully free until his lies caught up with him.   
  
Today might’ve been that day.   
  
Neil watched as they disassembled the exy court. It was a disgrace. A court should be up at all times. Exy should be the most important sport played at a school. Neil stopped himself. He squeezed his hands hard enough to leave crescents in his palms.   
  
He shouldn’t think like that anymore. It was dangerous enough to join a school exy team. His uncle had tried to talk him out of it. ‘Obsess from a distance. You’ll be caught if they recognize you.’ It was why he wore glasses when off the field. He didn’t need them. Just another way to set himself apart from her. Natalia was a dead girl.   
  
Neil didn’t even know what the public still knew about her. She had vanished a little over two years ago. After the initial speculations, Riko Moriyama had spoken up about her. “She broke her wrist. It shattered her to know she will have to start most of her training from the start. She’s recuperating in a high-end facility. We all hope she gets better soon and that she will still be able to play exy. I just hope to have my girlfriend back sooner rather than later. I miss her.”   
  
Neil could still taste the bile every time he thought about that statement. He missed her. He used her. He disregarded her. Neil loved him.   
  
No. Neil couldn’t love him. Not anymore. Love was hope and hope was dying. The only hope Neil could have was to see another day. Maybe also the hope to see Mia, Jean, Jay, aunt Harriet and uncle Stuart again. Well, not the Hatforts. They were a bit meddlesome.   
  
Neil didn’t flinch at the sound of footsteps across the bleachers. It could only be coach Hernandez and from what Neil’d seen, coach was harmless.   
  
Hernandez sat down next to him. “Didn’t you say your family was coming to watch?”   
  
Neil shrugged. They believed he was living with his uncle. The problem was that uncle didn’t live in the country. “My uncle tried. Work called instead.”   
  
“It was the last game. I figured he’d want to see his nephew play at least once.”   
  
“He doesn’t care for sports. At least not exy. Besides nobody knew that this would be the last game.” His parents sure as fuck didn’t. While his uncle might be on his way to being okay with Neil and his ‘predicament’ he’d still like to see him with long hair, in dresses, and heels. At least uncle Stuart wasn’t as bad as his parents. His mom and dad had sold him as cattle to be married off for money. His mother said it was normal, that if he behaved he wouldn’t be hurt.   
  
But the hurt wasn’t always superficial.   
  
“I hoped he would make an exception for this game. I’m sorry but I can’t wait any longer. I have someone here for you,” coach Hernandez said.   
  
The word someone rang in Neil’s ears. Someone, someone, someone. This was the reason why Neil and Stuart had picked Millport. The town was so small that news about intruders should reach Neil before the person did. That was not the case.   
  
The bleachers creaked with heavy footsteps as someone came closer. Neil didn’t want to look up. He had to look up. At the end of the bench stood a man. Neil could easily fit himself twice in his posture. Width and height too maybe. Neil was only 5’3 and that man was at least six feet tall with tribal flame tattoos on his arms.   
  
He couldn’t be here. David Wymack should be at Palmetto with his low life foxes. And Kevin. Neil did not want to see his adoptive brother. Kevin hadn't seen him in almost three years. That wasn't to say Kevin wouldn't recognize him.   
  


Kevin and Neil hadn’t seen each other in almost three years. Kevin had never even met  _ Neil.  _ That wasn’t to say that Kevin wouldn’t recognize him as someone he used to know. Someone with a different name and other colors but the same mouth and nose and eyebrows. 

  
This was the coach of that pathetic fox team. Neil and his adoptive family had laughed and sneered at them from the dark rooms of their home. Home, it tasted like rot. Instead, Neil stood up, grabbed his duffel and took a step back. There shouldn’t be anything to remind Wymack of who Neil really was but he didn’t want the middle-aged man close. If Wymack came to recruit he would've brought some of his players. The foxes were too unpredictable for Neil to account for.   
  
“No,” Neil said. “Whatever you’re here for, the answer is no.”   
  
Wymack didn’t even look amused. “Maybe listen to the offer before telling me no. There are some interesting perks to being a college athlete.”   
  
“Like being close to Kevin Day?” Neil slipped up. He wanted to hit himself. Judging from the looks both Wymack and Hernandez gave him, he had surprised them by knowing who Wymack was. “Look, I am not interested in Palmetto state or a scholarship with the foxes.”   
  
“I flew three people over here kid. The least you can do is hear me out,” Wymack said.   
  
The three echoed in Neil’s ears. Three. Wymack, Seth, and Kevin were the strikers but Kevin never went anywhere without his guard dog. Neil took in a deep breath before sprinting up the bleachers and through the locker room.   
  
His panic made his focus less sharp. That didn't mean Neil missed the shadows on the floor and the whistling of an object swung through the air. Neil swerved away from the shadow, miscalculated and ran into the lockers. His breath slammed out of him. The bandages were too tight. His nose hurt to breathe through. Neil raised one hand to check if he hadn’t broken it and turned towards the assailant. He had to wipe the fog of his glasses before he saw his assailant.    
  


Blond, five feet even, fox. Andrew Joseph Minyard who would maim you for using his first name. Rumors came up every time the goalkeeper lashed out at someone else for using his full name. The speculations were everywhere from his violent past, his time in juvie and more. Neil suspected it was something more traumatic. He might have to ask Jay to look into it for him. “What the hell, Minyard. You can’t just badger someone with an exy stick,” Neil sneered.   
  
Minyard showed him the same psychotic smile he wore in all the other pictures Neil had seen of him. Not for the first time Neil wondered why they would prescribe medicine that would add to the crazy. Minyard only became more ruthless. A.J. raised an eyebrow and his smile grew sharper. “Interesting, little rabbit,” he said.   
  
Neil thumbed at the switchblade strapped to his side when the door opened once more. “Minyard, what did you do this time?” Wymack yelled.   
  
A.J. shrugged and quickly jabbed the butt of the Exy stick into Neil’s chest. Right against his chest. He wanted to cave in. Who thought it was okay to put so many nerves in someone's chest. Why did Neil think it was a good idea to bind with bandages instead of the binder. Oh yeah, he accidentally sliced it open last week. He knew he shouldn’t but it was easier than to explain why his chest grew three sizes overnight.   
  
“I stopped him from running coach. Thought that was what you wanted?” A.J. feigned innocence.   
  
Stop him from running. Stop him from running. He was with Kevin. Kevin belonged to Riko. To the Moriyama’s. Neil was ready to throw up.   
  
“If I want to leave,” Neil’s voice shot up a note. He clenched his fists and coughed. “If I want to leave, you can’t stop me.” He noticed a couple raised eyebrows from the fox and his coach. Hernandez had gotten used to it. Nobody asked why a nineteen year old boy still had breaks in his voice.    
  
“But I can.” Neil spun around towards the entertainment center. Minyard was too big of a distraction. Neil didn’t like admitting he missed something big. Something big like Kevin Day standing in the same room.    
  
“The kid will choose himself,” Wymack said. “I know the Ravens gave you some leeway but at Palmetto we let people choose if they want to join.”    
  
The Ravens also let you choose, Neil thought. The difference was that nobody wanted to refuse the Ravens. They were the first ranked team in the United States. A.J. Minyard was the only one to have ever refused. Neil had already been gone when they went to recruit A.J.. He didn’t want to know what Riko had done to Jean after.    
  
Neil’s heart stuttered when Kevin looked at him. Neil pushed the glasses further up his nose. It hurt where the glasses had pushed into the flesh. It had been three years since Neil was in the same room as Kevin. Kevin had never come by the clinic. Riko had. Weekly. A certain blonde fox had even resided in the room next door. Too many faces would be able to recognize him.   
  
Was it possible to refuse this offer? Was it possible to say no to his last chance at playing exy in the big leagues? Yes. Yes it was. “I will not play for any team that features Kevin Day. Not now, not ever.” Not again, was what Neil didn’t say.    
  
Wymack pinched the bridge of his nose. “Can I talk to Neil alone for a minute.”   
  
Kevin scowled but was pulled to the door by A.J.. Coach Hernandez stayed for a couple more seconds. Then he realized that Neil was nineteen. The fabricated Neil was at least. The real Neil was only eighteen but nobody had to know that.    
  
Wymack turned to Neil a little too close for comfort but he could still feel the knife digging into his hip so Wymack shouldn’t be too much of a nuisance. “Look, you know the kind of people I recruit. I know you dislike Kevin.”   
  
Neil scoffed. Kevin had been like his brother, all brothers did was annoy. Wymack ignored it though.   
  
“Look, I can’t keep Kevin completely away but I can keep him from asking any questions or killing you.” Kevin would have to get close first and that was a big no no.   
  
“It’s not just Kevin and his holier than thou attitude. My uncle wants me to join the family business.” Not that Neil was inclined to do that. He’d rather never pick up a knife or a gun again but the world wasn’t safe.   
  
“I can talk to your uncle for you if he forms a problem. Surely he’ll see that your education is important.” Wymack was standing a little too close for comfort. Neil cursed the estrogen and its ingrained distrust of men as well as his father. His father had never been a nice man. However, there had never been proof. Only purple, blue and black marks that could be hidden by sleeves, a sick day and the excuse of exy practice. 

  
“There’s no need to talk to him. I’m not going to Palmetto.”   
  
“Look I need a striker and from the way you looked on that court it seems like you need a team. I’m serious, if I have to talk to your uncle for you, I will. Just think about it. You can let your coach send me the contract on monday if you decide to come. Your uncle doesn’t hold your leash, Neil.”    
  
Neil shook his head. Say “no, thank you”, a voice in his head said. Bow your head and tell him you’ll think about it. Neil looked Wymack in the eye. There was a chance he could play with Kevin again. Tempered down but on a court with Kevin in a college game, a heavy racquet between his hands. You could come home. No, the nest wasn’t his home anymore even if the ring on his necklace weighed him down like a collar.    
  
Neil was about to say no when his phone buzzed. There were only three people who had this number. Uncle Stuart, Mia and Jean. Neil still remembered teaching Mia the drills when she just arrived at the Ravens. Apparently he needed a girl friend. No matter which of the three it was, he needed to see what they were telling him.    
  
Neil held up a hand for Wymack to wait and pulled the phone out of his cargo shorts.    
  


**||Mia: Riko got a hold of Jean’s phone. Call your uncle. Run.**

  
Mia. Of course this would happen. Of course he would one day find out. Of course Neil couldn’t live on his own for so long because there was just no chance of survival that way. Of course.   
  
Neil threw the phone against the wall hard enough for it to break. The sim card glided across the floor.    
  
“It seems like I’m signing your contract. I don’t think he’s able of buying me out of my contract. Afraid I don’t have a phone. You’ll have to find another way of communicating with me.” Neil pulled the file out of Wymack’s hands. He flipped to the contract and signed with just his name. No flourishes, no nothing. His handwriting was too nice for a boy. He didn’t have the chicken scrawl and it made him want to claw his hands off. He wouldn’t show his discomfort. Wouldn’t let the signs slip. 

  
Wymack reached out for the file again. “What made you change your mind?”    
  
“I have bigger problems than college exy. Might as well try and make something of my life before it’s snatched away.” Neil knew Mia and Jean and his uncle would hate him for this decision. It was stupid. He was stupid but he had to do it.    
  
Life without exy had never been a life for Neil. It was the only choice he ever got to make. Hope for just one year of college exy or even just a summer. It tasted like damnation but it felt like freedom.   


 

**   
  
Only a week later Neil sat in the car with a third of the Palmetto team, including his old brother. Neil didn’t know how Kevin got into college if he didn’t even recognize Neil. Even with the glasses and dye and contacts his face surely hadn’t changed that much. It was still much too round. Neil did not want to be in a car with two Minyards, Nicky Hemmick, and Kevin Day. Not much was wrong with Nicky but the other three were doom in a bottle. Tin box really. Cars were not Neil’s favorite place.    
  
He rubbed at the scar on his left wrist. An open fracture. Young enough to relearn the game.    
  
Neil pushed his glasses further up his nose. His bag was locked up in Wymack’s apartment. As safe as it could be.    
  
The car stopped in front of a white and orange travesty. “You get used to it,” Nicky said before patting Neil on the shoulder. Neil looked up at Nicky and Nicky was already looking at him. “You know, if I didn’t know my cousins and if you weren’t so scrawny, you would be real hard to keep apart.    
  
“I’m not that pale,” Neil muttered as he jogged to the door. He really wasn’t. He got his skin color from his dad and apparently his Polish side of the family did not do pale. His mother’s side did. The English were stereotypical. Another reason why Neil had never felt like he fit in.    
  
Walking into the stadium made Neil’s head fill with fog. The feeling of broken glass, the scent of blood and burning tires. It was everywhere until someone shoved him in the back. Neil glared at A.J. while shoving his glasses further up his nose. 

  
“We don’t have time for your problems, Neil.” The way A.J. said Neil’s name didn’t sit well with him. Neil ignored it in favor of walking towards the court. He followed Kevin.    
  
Kevin who was still annoyingly tall and athletic. Kevin who still had that stupid number two tattoo even when he got a get out of jail free card. Kevin who really had to grow a spine and punch Riko in the face.    
  
Okay maybe not punch Riko in the face. That wouldn’t fare well for anybody. 

  
Kevin opened the door and looked back to beckon Neil forward. Neil squeezed past Kevin in the door opening, careful not to touch him. He thought he might cry if his brother gave him a hug even if Kevin never knew the full truth of anything. Even if Kevin didn’t even recognize him as the blond, four eyed doppelganger of the twins.    
  
Neil hated it.   
  
Standing on a court with Kevin brought a strange sense of deja vu coming with it. It was familiar and different. For example Kevin couldn’t play left handed anymore. On the other hand, Neil was a boy now. So many changes in only three years. All changes Neil should’ve seen coming. All changes Neil hadn’t seen coming. His mother had raised him better than that.    
The court walls weren’t as clean as they had been in the nest and it seemed like the floor hadn’t been waxed in forever. Neil didn’t know how Kevin survived at Palmetto. He was also sure that this was an elaborate joke or plan and that Riko would walk onto the court any second.    
  
Riko would come walking onto the court on the other side and Neil wouldn’t be able to do anything. He would accept his punishment for running away. He would yearn for Riko like he had done since he was fourteen. Not because he wanted Riko to touch every inch of his body. Only because when he allowed Riko those tiny indulges Riko would keep him safe.    
  
Neil hadn’t been safe in a year but that didn’t seem so bad.    
  
The wall in the lounge was plastered with photos. Many of them from the upperclassmen. A couple with the monsters. A.J. was almost in no picture. Figured, he’s probably just as cold to his teammates as he was to Neil.    
  
Danielle Wilds was featured the most. She was the first female captain on a class I exy team and she was everything Neil could never be. She was also one of three girls on the team. Renee Walker and Allison Reynolds being the other two. Modern day princess and bible kid. Only bible kid wasn’t as righteous as she looked. Jay did her work well. She’d done a background check on all the foxes. Kevin’s injury might not have been as clean as it looked and A.J.’s name was still a mystery. Neil didn’t know who was more pissed off at not knowing. Him or Jay.     
  
“Those are Dan, Allison and Renee,” Nicky said walking up next to Neil. “Allison is a catty bitch you should avoid at all costs. Renee is a sweetheart and you should be kind to her.”   
  
Neil debated telling Nicky he had it wrong. Neil saw the look in Renee’s eyes that matched his own. He remembered Allison from the clinic. Her diet had looked worse than his. Neil only ate five different recipes. Allison only ate five different ingredients. Her parents had her almost as fucked up as Neil. He hadn’t thought it possible but there she was destroying herself to destroy them.    
  
“Coach said you don’t have a phone. Why not?” Nicky seemed like a nice person. He probably was. The problem was that Neil had also seen tapes of Palmetto state’s exy games and Nicky was sub par for a college team. For someone like Neil who was raised to be a backliner it was almost painful to watch.    
  
Neil thought about being nice in return. Even if Nicky wasn’t the best backliner he deserved a bit of nice. Too bad that Neil was never raised to be a nice person. Being nice got you killed. “I dropped my phone. Against a wall.”    
  
Never mind the phone that had arrived a week later, courtesy of Stuart. Also don’t mind the call that followed with a screaming Stuart about signing up for an exy team. The screaming that followed when Neil told him the old phone number had been compromised was worth a laugh if the sight of Riko didn’t make him want to run away. Or run to Riko. Neil wasn’t sure yet what would happen.   
  
“I thought my cousin was the crazy one,” Nicky murmured. Then Nicky was smiling again.    
  
Neil ignored him in favor of studying the team picture. His eyes latched onto the number three. Unconsciously he reached for his own cheek. The three was his number. Should be his number. He remembered clawing at his cheek when he watched Jean’s first game as a Raven. Number four. It was a dream. It was a nightmare. It was Riko explaining to the press that he was handpicking the future US court. It was Riko saying that there would always be a spot for Natalia if she was good enough.   
  
Neil had never been tattooed on his cheek. It was too hard to hide. People didn’t like fifteen year olds with tattoos. Even if Neil still had his hips to prove anything was possible with enough money.   
  
He brushed his fingers against the raven right under the strapped on switch knife. Promise me you’re mine in the end. It was a nightmare but people forgot those were dreams too.    
  
Neil ran a hand through his blond curls and walked towards the locker room. He stopped when Nicky called for him. Neil saw A.J. standing behind Nicky, one eyebrow raised in as much emotion as he would let show. “Neil, that’s the girls locker room. We’re on the other side.”    
  
Neil nodded. “Yeah? Yeah I just missed the sign. Of course I’m going to the men’s locker room. I’m an adult guy after all.” Neil chuckled weakly. He messed up. Already. It was a stupid mistake. A mistake born out of habit. Take his mind off your mistake. Ask something. Anything.   
  
“Do you think Kevin will ever be able to play with his left hand again?”   
  
Nicky frowned at the question. “It’s pretty much out. Abby and the doctors told him he’ll never be able to play with it again.”   
  
It was Neil’s turn to frown. Kevin had always played left handed growing up. It meant that he had to relearn the whole game. With Kevin out of the game and Neil playing a different position there was no way they were going to make it all the way to the championship. Not with this ragtag team.    
  
Neil had changed in one of the shower stalls. He didn’t want to explain his binder or his tattoos. He especially didn’t want Kevin hearing about the tattoos. Kevin would call Riko or Jean in panic and after last time Neil didn’t even trust Jean with his phone number. He hadn’t contacted either him or Mia since the incident.    
  
And they had no chance of contacting him.    
  
Neil played exy like he did in Millport. With everything to lose and only half his heart in it. He was better than this. He could outrun Nicky and Aaron every time and still have enough energy the moment they fell to the ground.    
  
But this wasn’t the nest and Neil couldn’t slip into old habits. He couldn’t. That doesn’t mean he didn’t.    
  
It only took them a little over an hour for Neil to slip up. They were scrimmaging and Neil stole Kevin’s maneuver. They had come up with it together. Only they knew how to perform it. Neil because he was fast enough, Kevin because he had the skills.    
  
Neil ran closer to the wall on Aaron’s side. He passed against the ceiling and twirled around Aaron to catch the ball on the other side. It was fast and brutal.   
  
The next time the ball left Neil’s stick it fired into the goal. It bounced back from the ball into his stick. Years and years of practice and games. And silence.   
  
Neil turned back around to his new team. Nicky was gaping, Aaron looked pissed off, A.J. had sat up from where he had been dozing. Kevin looked even more pissed off as he stormed onto the court.   
  
He grabbed Neil by his collar and slammed him into the wall. Neil scrambled to touch the ground with his toes. Had Kevin always been this strong? Had Neil lost that much weight?    
  
“Where did you learn that?” Kevin asked. “Who taught you that move?”    
  
Neil shook his head. He couldn’t exactly tell Kevin the truth. Neil let his eyes widen slightly. Act shocked at Kevin’s reaction, he told himself. He’ll go easier on you if you tell him the right lies. Think, Neil, think.   
  
“Some girl taught it to me. We met in England last summer. She said she was staying with family. Said I was the worst striker she ever met. She was a good trainer.” Neil pretended to cower from Kevin. It was sickening.   
  
Neil had always learned he stood above Kevin. He would eventually become a real part of the family after all. Cowering from Kevin only gave him flashbacks to that lesson.  _ ‘Look, Kitsune. Kevin is missing his mommy again.’ _ Neil gulped. The wall against his back was suddenly a lot less stable.  _ ‘Look, Nat, Kevin can’t even punish them right. Care to show him how it’s done.’ _ Neil’s eyes zeroed in on Kevin’s shoulder.  _ ‘I need you to stitch him up. Jean is still unconscious.’ _ _   
_   
Neil scrambled to pull the switch knife. He aimed to point near Kevin’s armpit. “Let me go,” Neil whispered. “If you don’t I will show you what else she and that messed up family have taught me.”    
  
Kevin’s eyes widened. He took a step back. His shirt caught on the blade and ripped a couple stitches. “How do you know Ducky? How do you know the Hatfords?”   
  
“Oh Kevin,” Neil let a bit of his father’s smile slip, “we weren’t all raised as exy stars.”    
  
Neil was raised as nothing. He was cattle. He was money. He was to be married off. He was to stay in a crime family until the day he died. He was to play exy until his limbs gave out. He could never escape. He was marked as someone else’s. He used to be a dog and dogs loved their masters.    
  
“You don’t know the Wesninski’s.” Kevin pushed Neil harder against the wall. “They would’ve killed you.”    
  
Neil’s smile had a razors edge. “Who said anything about the Wesninski’s? Mommy dearest isn’t American after all.” Neil pushed his nails into Kevin’s hand until he let go. “I think training is over, don’t you.” Neil grinned wider and made his way to the locker room. He could shower in the girls locker room. It sucked that there were never any stalls.    
  
Only when Neil went to leave the boys locker room Nicky spoke. “We have shower stalls. You can change in here.”   
  
Neil nodded. It would be better to shower in the girl’s room. He’d have room to take off the binder there. Although, going into the girls locker room to change was less preferable than cutting off a couple of toes. If his uncle knew he was exercising with the binder he’d kill Neil. Maybe not kill but maim. There would be a lot of maiming involved.   
  
“Nicky gonna be a problem for you?” A.J. stepped in Neil’s path to the door.   
  
“I’d have the same problem with Kevin,” Neil said. “If he were actually straight I mean. We all know there are like only three people he will not sleep with.”    
  
Neil lifted his eyes from his bag to the man in the room. Kevin was flushed, Nicky was shocked, A.J. looked thoroughly amused and Aaron disgusted. A.J. asked Neil if Nicky was a problem when his own brother was still coping from overexposure to homophobia.    
  
“So Kevin never told anyone here, interesting. From what I heard he’s never been shy about his lovers before.”

  
Nicky pointed with his finger at Neil. “Now that you’ve outed Kevin against his will, which is the most dickish move you could’ve made by the way, which way do you swing?”   
  
Again Neil debated telling the truth. He was engaged. Wore a real pretty ring on a chain around his neck. He couldn’t do that though. It would ruin all he’s setting up here. Everything he could achieve with being there. 

“I don’t,” he said instead. “Not really at least. Trying did not make me like any man or woman more or less.” It wasn’t a total lie. He didn’t feel the need to jump someone's bones like Kevin had with Thea. He could appreciate pretty people like Allison Reynolds, Mia Young and Riko Moriyama. He just didn’t want to kiss them or sleep with them. It wasn’t a need he had to satisfy. Not an itch he had to scratch. He had tried though.   
  
“In that case you will only have to focus on Exy. I will take you to where you need to be,” Kevin said. His green eyes followed Nicky and Aaron leave the room. Neil didn’t think A.J. would trust him with Kevin.    
  
Kevin put a single hand over Neil’s eyes and Neil stopped breathing. This was too familiar. This was surprises and youth and calluses on fingers from cleaning courts and tying strings on Exy sticks.. “Forget the stadium, forget everything here and think of the future. What do you see?”    
  
Death, Neil thought. Knives, blood. An Exy ball rolling over court and bouncing of the wall, a goal lighting up red. He saw his hair, auburn and his eyes icy and he saw a new tattoo on his cheek and his fingers dragging over it as he looked into the mirror. He saw Kevin standing next to him at the olympics, Riko and Jean right next to them. Hands curling around hips and shoulders. They were complete.    
  
“You.”   
  
“Tell me I can have your game,” Kevin said after letting go. Neil could almost feel the heat rolling off his body, that’s how close Kevin was standing. He was so close and still he wouldn’t see. Not when Kevin was dangling Exy in front of him.   
  
“Take it,” he said and meant it. Kevin could have his game. Had already had his game once. In the end Neil would always come back to his family on court. That was his beginning; it would be his end. 

  
“Neil understands it,” Kevin said to nobody in particular but Neil thought he might mean A.J. who had dropped down onto the couch. A bottle of whiskey was clamped tightly in his hands.    
  
“I’ll tell Nicky to congratulate you on this particular feat. I don’t have any to give.” He sat up and looked at Neil. “You’re much less interesting like this. I could call you spineless the second but Pinocchio fits so much better.”   
  
“So you’re back on your meds?” Neil asked. Great, that’s great. A.J. without meds was intolerable enough. “Hope you won’t hit me with your stick again. Don’t wanna schedule in a concussion.”    
  
Neil didn’t understand why the court ordered A.J. to be on antipsychotics. Without his meds he was just a blank version of his brother. With the meds A.J. was a monster that seemed keen on collateral damage. Neil didn’t want to be collateral damage. He’d tried it and didn’t like it. Thinking back to his youth made him nauseous.    
  
Neil skimmed his fingers over his tattoos to get rid of the feeling. He was still his. He would always have a place to go. Maybe not as Neil but he could be safe somewhere. Neil could be safe in a dress that made him want to claw his skin off and A.J. would take care of Kevin. That was how it’s supposed to be, wasn’t it.


	2. Knives, binders and money

Neil couldn’t go to sleep. His mind was full of screaming thoughts he couldn’t string together. Thoughts on his body and his mind and his lies and his truth. 

He had only been staying with Wymack for over half a month and already he wanted to leave. Only time had made Neil get used to his uncle, the short stature only helped. Wymack on the other hand was old and big enough to be his father. Neil didn’t like him that much.   
  
Neil had never before considered that living his truth would mean becoming a lie. Neil Josten wasn’t real. Just as Abram had never been real. Uncle Stuart had named him Abram after his maternal grandfather but he always sensed the discomfort at saying he. Uncle Stuart wasn’t used to having a nephew but at least he tried. Neil couldn’t say that much about some other people.    
  
Wymack was already asleep when Neil slipped on a hoodie. He left his binder. There wouldn’t be anyone at the court. He’d be able to breathe freely. Be at home. The court was home. Had always been home.    
  
Neil jogged over there. It was the first time he would try and practice at night. Normally he’d take the day practices with the cousins for granted. Now though he wanted to do his backliner drills. Play like he was taught. Play like he was meant to do. He was almost vibrating out of his skin at the thought to play at his actual level.    
  
The lights inside the stadium came as a surprise.    
  
Neil passed by the locker rooms when he heard the sound of Exy balls. He pushed the door open and spotted Kevin in all his lost glory. He was playing with his right hand. Some balls went inside the goal lines and some didn’t. Neil couldn’t look away until Kevin started another drill.   
  
His eyes landed on A.J. The blond boy was sitting in the bleachers twiddling with something in his sleeve. Having grown up around dangerous people Neil was pretty sure it was a weapon. The question remained, what kind of weapon? Was it a knife like Neil had strapped over his hips. Was it a gun? No, guns didn’t come so thin. It was stupid to coil whips around your wrist because it limited your reach and A.J. seemed more of a close range fighter.    
  
It had to be knives. Neil thought back to his father cutting up people right in front of him. Never had he taken a knife to Neil. It was too dangerous to leave scars on such an asset. He needed to sell Neil off and damaged merchandize didn’t do so well.    
  
Neil snuck up the stairs and sat down a couple of chairs away from A.J.. The manic smile was absent. A.J. didn’t look surprised when Neil spoke up. Like he had known Neil was there all along. He probably had. The lights next to the court were on after all. “Does coach know that you don’t take your meds?”    
  
A.J. shrugged.    
  
“Is this you winding down before sleep? Because if it is remind me to avoid you until the evenings.”    
  
A.J. sneered. This time Neil saw something glint at the edge of the sleeve. “Avoiding me twenty four seven would work better. That way I don’t have to see your ugly face.”   
  
“One, my face isn’t ugly,” Neil said. He wasn’t and he knew it. That was why he was worth five million. If he wasn’t branded he could’ve gone to a main branch. He could’ve been sold for an even higher price. Pay off any and all debts his father had made. Grant his mother the money to finally run away from that awful man.     
  
Like Neil had done. Neil had ran to her family after all. Uncle Stuart said his parents didn’t even know he was gone. The whole world thought he was locked inside a clinic. Had gone crazy after breaking his arm. He had for a while. He wasn’t allowed to practice or hold a stick. The only remedy had been a blonde upper class princess. They didn’t judge each other for trying to survive. They only wanted to live their lives.    
  
“Two, I don’t think your meds work that well. You seem perfectly calm without them. Just a little brooding and unfeeling. With your meds people are afraid of you.”   
  
“Are you afraid?” A.J. finally looked at Neil. His gaze showed enough but nothing that Neil knew.    
  
“Why would I be afraid of you when the real monsters hide inside my closet? You’re not that scary.”   
  
A.J. cocked his head. Neil almost wished he’d smile. “How many weapons do you carry?”   
  
“You don’t need them when you’re a weapon yourself so none,” Neil said with a smile.   
  
“You’re lying.”   
  
“There’s only two you need to know about.”    
  
“Guns?”   
  
“Something a little more similar to what you’re carrying.” Neil watched A.J. slip the knives out of the sleeves. “Is it a slow way of killing yourself or do you actually have sheaths build into those?”    
  
A.J. held up one finger. “Only because you answered my question honestly. It isn’t a way of killing myself.”   
  
Sheaths. Army hand offs maybe. Neil’s father had never needed sheaths. He had a leather roll with tons of knives. A hook on the wall that held his cleaver and axe aloft.    
  
He was who Neil should be afraid off.    
  
“Ask me more,” Neil said. “I want to know more about you and if telling you the truth is the way to do it than ask me some more.”   
  
“No. Leave.” A.J. didn’t say anything more. Didn’t even look at Neil for any longer than that.    
  
Neil shouldn’t care so much for that dismissal but A.J. was interesting. Neil had only ever been a nosy person because he had to be to survive but now- now he was interested because A.J. made it interesting.    
  
It was new and it was exciting. Almost as exciting as seeing Kevin after all that time. Because of that, because of A.J. being interesting, Neil stood up from his seat and walked down the bleachers back to the foyer.    
  
The best thing about the whole talk. A.J. hadn’t stared at his chest or pointed at it or yelled about it. Neil knew his hoodie was oversized and had a little kink at the top where his breast were but it seemed a success.    
  
Neil had gone out as himself and A.J. had still acted the same to him whether or not he had noticed Neil’s breasts. This outing had been good and Neil went to sleep at Wymacks feeling better than he had all week. Until he woke up thinking, I can’t keep this.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/143766018@N05/43427573975/in/dateposted-public/)

  
  
**   
  
It was only a matter of days when Neil’s thoughts were confirmed. He couldn’t keep this. He walked in on Kevin freaking out against Wymack. The Raven’s were transferring to their district. Neil wouldn’t be able to keep himself hidden. Not like this. He ran a hand through his blonde hair. This was bad. This was real bad. Riko would be coming for him.   
  
Was that really such a bad thing?    
  
Maybe it wasn’t. What Wymack was telling him in contrary was not such a good thing. Wymack was telling him that the whole team knew of the Moriyamas. They knew about the main and the side branch. They knew the truth about how Kevin broke his hand. Neil had known Kevin wouldn’t have gone skiing. He hated the cold but hearing that Riko smashed his hand with an exy stick. They had been brothers.    
  
Neil felt a tiny bit of his heart shrivel and fall apart. Riko and Kevin were brothers. They had been Neil’s family. They couldn’t have turned against each other. Hearing the words “The Raven nest is a cult. The players are brainwashed to think only about exy.”    
  
Neil felt Wymack’s words like a punch to the gut. He had lived there. He still breathed exy like a lifeline. Was it that bad to care about a sport? The whole country seemed to care that much about football and if anything was a stupid sport Neil would say it was that one. Might be overruled by Lacrosse but that’s a side note.    
  
Wymack kept on with his story about why the Ravens were bad. Why Riko was a horrible person. Neil wanted to object. Needed to object. Riko didn’t deserve this judgement. They didn’t know him like Neil had.    
  
Hadn’t that been why he had left? Because he was the only one who knew Riko? Because it had been suffocating to stay at the nest? Because telling Riko the truth hadn’t been an option? Riko was number one. He was the priority. Neil had grown up on that notion. He had only chosen for himself once. If he went back Neil didn’t think he’d choose for himself again.    
  
Wymack reached to pat Neil’s shoulder before turning back inside. When he looked back at the door Neil was already gone for another run. A long run.    
  
His phone beeped a couple blocks down the road. Neil pulled it out. It was probably Wymack or Abby or Nicky. Either of the three to tell him about dinner being at Abby’s. But it wasn’t them.    
  


**||Unknown: Sweet, little, Kitsune. Where are you? The bed’s getting cold on your side.**

  
  
Neil wanted to chuck his phone at the wall. He wanted to scream. He wanted to text the person back because the person must be his fiance. Must be Riko because only they knew those pet names.   
  


**|| I’ll be home in time for Christmas. Wait up for me?**

  
The text was read and Neil bit the pad of his thumb waiting. He stood on that street for two minutes, three, before his phone rang.    
  
“Hello?” Neil said. His voice was soft and he bit his thumb again. What if it hadn’t really been Riko? What if it was another Moriyama or just one of the cousins playing a game with him? But none of them knew the pet names.   
  
“Kitsune, Natalia, are you alright?” Riko’s voice flooded the line. Neil let out a sigh.   
  
“Yes I am. I’m sorry for leaving. I regret not being home. Not being with you.” Neil wrapped his arms around himself. His eyes focused on the street below.    
  
“You can always come home now. I can get you the help you need.”   
  
“I don’t need help,” Neil said softly. “I’ve never been a true girl. I think you know that. I cannot be your wife and I cannot be your backliner but I can be there for you.”    
  
“I did not know.” Riko sighed on the other side of the line. “You never told me. We can work this out,” he paused on what Neil knew should be his name. “What may I call you? How can I help you, Kitsune?”    
  
Neil didn’t want to give him the name he was using. Neil also did not want to give him the name his uncle had given him. The first male name he’d ever had. He settled on “Nathaniel. You can call me Nathaniel. I have to disappoint you by saying I cannot come home just yet. I still have unfinished business to attend to.”   
  
“When can I see you?”   
  
“Soon.”   
  
“Where are you?”   
  
“South Carolina.”    
  
Neil could almost hear Riko gritting his teeth. “Are you visiting Kevin?”    
  
“I would never see him before you,” Neil lied. “I’m passing through. The tenth of june you can pick me up in Columbia. I will get myself a ride.” He would buy a car with his uncles money. Stuart wouldn’t be too angry. At least Neil would have his own way of getting out the next time. “And I cannot come with you after we meet. You have to promise to let me go again.”   
  
It stayed quiet for a while. Neil heard ruckus on the court on the other side of the line. When Riko spoke it wasn’t to Neil but yelling orders at players standing in Neil’s home.    
  
Another silence later Riko spoke  up again. “On a couple of conditions. You will not change your phone number again. I want to meet you at least every month and I’m going to mark you. You’re finally getting your number.”   
  
“Okay to everything but the last. I’m trying to stay under the radar. That number isn’t very under the radar.”   
  
“Non negotiable. I need something to claim you as mine.”   
  
“The tattoos on my hips aren’t enough?” Neil wanted to yell it down the line. Having a number would ruin his lie. Would ruin everything he wanted to accomplish. Would mean he couldn’t be a boy anymore. “The ring on my finger isn’t enough. Don’t you trust me anymore?”   
  
“You ran away from the clinic,” Riko snarled. “I was trying to help you but all you did was run away.”   
  
“I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t running from you. I was running from myself. The person I had to be at the nest. I still love you but she doesn’t exist.”    
  
“Fine. No number. Is there anything else you need from me?”    
  
Yes, Neil thought. He wasn’t sure if he could say it but his gut wanted to go for it. “I need you to get Andrew Joseph Minyard off his drugs. I might not be with Kevin but the Moriyama’s will not keep him alive if he gets another set back. Kevin needs to be a whole person and for that Minyard needs to be off his drugs.” Neil paused. “Or are you afraid of the competition? We both know Kevin isn’t good enough after breaking his hand. I couldn’t even throw a straight ball after breaking my arm.”   
  
“So you didn’t stop practicing? The master will be happy to hear that.”    
  
Neil bit the pad of his thumb. He was being stupid, he knew that. He was revealing too much.    
  
“I will do my best to get Kevin’s mutt of his medicine but only if you agree to staying Christmas with me. No buts, no running away before or the mutt goes.”   
  
“I promise. I will be there, Tanuki. I promise.” Neil rubbed one hand over his arm. “I love you.”   
  
“I will talk to you soon,” Riko promised. “Goodbye.”    
  
Neil listened to the end tones for too long. He took too long before he put his phone away. Too long before he started running back to Wymack’s.    
  
He wanted to pack his bag to see the nest. He wanted to stay at Wymack’s and play with Kevin. He wanted to help the low-life foxes win the cup. They would win the cup. Neil would show everyone that he could do this. As Neil Josten. As a man. He would be just as good as he always had been. 

  
**   
  
Neil tapped his fingers against the sheaths under his shirt. June nine was, starting that day and year, a cursed day. Meeting new people and having a nurse check him out all in one day was too much to be comfortable with. He knew the others would come quickly. He hoped they would come quickly. Coach wouldn’t let him into his dorm without one of his roommates and Matt would be the first to arrive.    
  
If Matt was anything like the foxes Neil had already met he wasn’t looking forward to it.   
  
Nicky was overtly extravagant, Aaron was constantly angry, Kevin had turned crazy in the last three years and A.J.- Neil hoped A.J. would be getting off his meds real soon. Soon wasn’t soon enough.    
  
He looked towards the office Wymack had gone into and then to Abby’s little room. Maybe one small game for old times sake. It wouldn’t harm anyone. Neil took another minute to listen if someone was coming before sliding the dagger out from under his shirt.    
  
He placed his left hand on the table. First a little practice round. See if he still had it. Neil could bet that A.J. would love the game if he knew it. He wasn’t carrying knives for nothing. It would help with A.J. coordination also. Neil wondered for a brief moment who had taught A.J. how to handle a knife before starting the song. “There’s an old tradition, a game we all can play. It starts by getting liquored up and sharpening your blade,” Neil muttered. He pierced the spaces between his fingers with accurate precision. He missed the vodka Lola would always give him. She liked it most when he would bleed.   
  
“You take a shot of whiskey, you grab your knife and pray. and spread apart your fingers and this is what you say.” Neil focused on the little knicks in the wood instead of on his fingers. Focusing on your fingers meant chopping one of and that was in no way the goal of the game.   
  
What would Abby think if she saw him. She would freak out probably. Yet another fuck up for her team. She seemed to care about all of them though. Seemed like a real sweet woman. Too bad Neil knew women. All they cared about is hurt or get hurt. Lola had followed that rule and so had Neil’s mother. His cousin in England was that different. She was nice but Neil once saw her preach to a guy who had broken up with her. The guy had been metaphorically bleeding out. She had touched all his jagged bits and used them to rip the boy apart. Neil respected his cousin for it.   
  
“Oh! I have all my fingers. The knife goes chop! Chop! Chop! If I miss the space inbetween, my fingers will come off.” Neil knew Abby would not like him trying to chop off his own fingers. He could almost hear Wymack nag about the spots on the table. It almost felt like home. If only the table had been a little more beat up and the people brandishing more scars and weapons. Maybe a couple heavy hands in between the preaches. Yes. That was home.    
  
The door in front of Neil opened and he looked up shortly before going back to his song. “If I hit my fingers, blood will soon come out. But all the same I play this game, cause that’s what it’s all about.” Abby was standing in her door opening. Neil noticed the shuffling and the soft knocks on Wymack’s office door. Still he didn’t relent. He had been trained well.   
  
Nicking his fingers meant sealing them shut with fire. Burnt wounds did not do well with Exy sticks and it was the Master’s wrath or a perfect game on rhythm. Being good was a way of life.    
  
It was still Neil’s life. He had to be good at exy. He had to be good at the knife song. He had to know the Duck song from the top of his head. He had to remember strategies and player stats and last names and research high schools to see if any of them could be potential raven recruits. He had been raised to be the best and spot people close enough to it.    
  
It was him who saw Mia’s potential that one training. He had saved her life back than by promising she could learn. She could be a dealer. Could become the perfect court. Please, Riko, I will teach her. I will get her up to speed. Leave her to me and she’ll be perfect. It had taken Neil only three months to teach her almost all the drills even if they had only been ten.   
  
Age was something trivial at the nest. Sex was something that came with it. Between everyone but never Riko and never her. They had stood on the outsides of all that. He did not want to have sex with anyone that couldn’t play a game at his level and the Moriyama’s had spoken out on Neil’s virginity back then. Not until marriage. Not until the final contract is signed. The both of them were not to be touched or harmed or looked at or talked to unless you were perfect court yourself. Neil could still taste loneliness.    
  
“No you can’t use a pencil, you can’t use a pen. The only way is with a knife, if danger is your friend.” Wymack’s office finally opened but he didn’t yell. He cursed under his breath but that wouldn’t distract Neil. He was still scraping off the veneer with every line in his song. “And some may call it stupid. Some may call it dumb. But all the same we play this game, Because it’s so damn fun.”    
  
Shots and shots and shots. Being nine and then ten and then eleven and drunk off his arse with Lola hovering over him with a knife. Such a pretty little lady. What a shame it would be if I accidentally hit your face instead of your fingers. Or alternatively, You’ve become to good at this game. Tomorrow will be hand to hand combat. Maybe a little drug test to see if you can recognize which glass is roofied.    
  
“Oh, I have all my fingers, the knife goes chop, chop, chop. If I miss the spaces in between my fingers will come off.” Neil didn’t bother looking at Wymack. The dent in the table were getting deep enough for the knife to stick. The game was getting boring this way. Maybe he should hit his fingers. Make Abby scream. That would be fun, wouldn’t it be?   
  
“If I hit my fingers, the blood will soon come out. But all the same we play this game, cause that’s what it’s all about.” Almost finished Neil thought. Maybe he’d sing the duck song after. Mess them up a bit. Kevin always felt better when Neil would sing the duck song after the knife song.    
  
It was annoying and light. Neil liked that it made Kevin feel safer. He liked that Kevin had made it his nickname. It was something not male or female. Neil had wanted to take it with him but Kevin didn’t know Neil. Not like he had known Natalia. “Oh! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! I'm picking up the speed.And if I hit my fingers Then my hand will start to bleed!” Neil left the knife stuck in the table. Not a scratch on his fingers. Oh that was too bad. Now he didn’t have an excuse for burning off his fingerprints.   
  
Oh well he’d do it later anyway. Riko did not have to able to trace Neil back to Palmetto.    
  
Neil slowly lifted his head to Wymack and Abby. “Done staring?”   
  
“That’s sick,” Wymack mumbled. “Don’t ever show that to A.J. Ever! You hear me?”   
  
Neil nodded. “Yes, coach.” Neil would enjoy teaching it to A.J. as soon as he was off his medication. Won’t help teaching tricks to a dog that will hurt you with them.   
  
Abby took a deep breath and smoothed out her printed t-shirt. “Would you like me to do your evaluation right now?” she asked.    
  
Neil nodded again. He pulled the knife from the table and hid it under his shirt. “I can sing you another song if it would cheer you up,” Neil offered.   
  
“No thank you, Neil. This has been enough excitement for today and you haven’t even met your team.”    
  
Neil wanted to shrug. This wasn’t that exciting or even dramatic. Nicky was dramatic with his glitters and tank tops showing his sides. His stupid flat chest with the feminine shirts. If Neil was a real man he’d never dress like that.    
  
No. He had to stop thinking like that. Neil was something he had to give up but to these people Neil was a real boy. He was a man. It felt good. It was good that they saw him that way. Neil knew he was a man inside but knowing people saw it on the outside was amazing.    
  
Neil followed Abby into her office and after removing his shoes sat down on the table. She did all the normal stuff. Taking two vials of his blood, his weight and height and ask after his allergies.   
  
The final question was one that had haunted him for a while. He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret for everyone but he hoped he’d get a little longer. “Abby, there’s something I have to tell you.”    
  
The lady narrowed her eyes. “Have you been doing drugs? Because you know I can’t clear you if you did?”   
  
Neil shook his head. “It’s not that. I wouldn’t do drugs. I promise. It’s just that I’m not exactly a boy.”    
  
Abby scrunched her eyebrows. Neil had to explain this better. He could explain this better. “I mean that biologically I’m a girl. But my name is Neil and I’m a boy.”   
  
Abby nodded a couple of times. “That’s okay. It isn’t drugs. I do want to see how you bind. Have you started transitioning yet? And are you seeing a psychologist? You could always talk to Betsy about it if you need yourself cleared for hormones.”   
  
Neil pulled off his shirt and looked down at his feet. “I haven’t started transitioning yet. My uncle wasn’t that on board with everything. My parents even less. Is it really possible for me to be cleared by the team psychologist? To do all of this during the season?”    
  
Abby smiled a little. “Yes it is. I’m glad to see you’ve got a normal binder. Now don’t you dare wear it during games or practice. I do have to tell David about this so he can get you padding to better protect your body.”    
  
Now it was Neil’s turn to scrunge his eyebrows. “Do you have to? I don’t want the team to know about this.”   
  
Another one of those half smiles. “I’m sorry, Neil. I have to tell David. This could all affect your game. He doesn’t have to know more than the bare essentials.” She looked through her papers. “I can do one thing for you however. Set you up with Betsy.”    
  
Neil listened as she explained when and how he could contact Betsy and that she would set up the first appointment. It shouldn’t take too long for her to order hormones either and otherwise she’d send him through to the doctor’s office. He would be able to become a little more of himself soon.    
  
“I’m glad you felt safe enough to tell me,” Abby said as she lead him out of her office.   
  
“Sure,” Neil mumbled. He felt a bit raw. A weird mixture of less and more of a man. Excitement and sadness coursing through his veins. Soon he might be starting the process to become a real man. Soon he’d be himself. But Abby knew he wasn’t a boy now. She could sound so sweet still but she might be referring to him differently now. Must be looking at him differently now.    
  
Neil would have to live with that. He would have to be okay with that. In the end it was only a minor set back. He would survive.    
  
He would live and thrive and emerge as the winner. Hands clasped with his love and an exy cup to prove that he could do just the same as himself than as the lie he used to be. 


	3. Life starts with an A

Neil was happy. Like genuine smiling happy. He watched as Abby disappeared into Wymack’s office and let a bit slip away. Wymack would know. What if Wymack told the team? Neil didn’t want them to know. It was too close to the truth. Too many clues for Kevin. If Kevin had attention for anything but bedding, exy and history that was.    
  
Neil slipped his knife out again. He tapped the edge of the table but didn’t start the song. Matt could be here any moment and Neil didn’t want to scare him off already. Matt was a big guy, he might be a useful shield against Kevin and A.J..    
  
Neil kept an ear turned towards the door incase Matt was coming. The outside door slammed close and Neil slipped the hand with the knife under his shirt. Tip already in its sheath. That way he could either maim an intruder or shake Matt’s hand. It was a toss up for either one. In the end Neil could never be sure who it was that came through the door.   
  
It was a good thing he was still holding the dagger. A.J. came flying through the door and had a hand around Neil’s neck in seconds. Neil hadn’t expected him to be that fast. He had reacted too slowly. Neil knew he would be punished for it in Baltimore.    
  
He didn’t pull the knife just yet. He needed to hear why A.J. was mad in the first place. “What are you doing?” Neil ground out. He saw Nicky, Aaron and Kevin in the doorway. Lined up from small to tall. It was almost funny. Maybe if Neil wasn’t being choked.    
  
“What am I doing? What are you doing here?” A.J. showed him a disturbed smile. “You show up and a couple of weeks later Bee is suddenly convinced I need to get of my meds as soon as possible. This isn’t okay, Pinocchio. I have a couple of promises I’m not breaking.”   
  
“What do I have to do with your meds?” Riko had gone through with his promise. “I haven’t even spoken to your shrink yet.”   
  
“I never said who Bee was,” A.J. said. His smile stretched wider. “You’re wrapping yourself up in lies, Neil.”   
  
“Abby told me. I have to visit Bee next week. I’d ask you to join my session but I don’t think you’ll be here.” Neil had to talk his way out of this. But how? “What are you afraid of? That the world is even bleaker without your meds? Newsflash, it doesn’t get much worse.”   
  
Only it did. Neil knew it got worse. He didn’t know what A.J. had gone through to end up a fox and that was only before he almost beat four men to death. Neil’s own life could’ve been decidedly worse. Most of his scars were small burns on his hands and sides. A couple on his chest but they were hidden by the binder.    
  
Life could get so much worse. It could also get better. Abby proved that.    
  
The door behind Neil opened. “A.J. what are you doing?” Wymack yelled. Neil wanted to flinch but that wasn’t a safe option.    
  
“I’m just trying to find out how interesting the new fox is.”    
  
Neil shook his head.    
  
“Why won’t you go?”   
  
“I made a promise.”   
  
Neil thought about it. “Aaron will be fine, we both know that,” Neil said in a quiet tone. Nobody but A.J. could hear him. “I can take care of Kevin. You’ve seen my knives and I carry a gun. Riko smashed Kevin’s hand so it’s a safe bet I shouldn’t let Kevin anywhere near him.”   
  
A.J. narrowed his eyes. The smile still took residence on his face. “How do I know I can trust you?”   
  
“You don’t should’ve played a couple more rounds for truths. But I have a proposition.” Neil waited a beat. “I get Kevin for seven weeks and you can know the secret of why I won’t shower with you. Maybe a fun game with knives to spice your life up.”

  
A.J. pulled him even closer. Neil felt his breath on his face. Better said, his neck. Neil wasn’t tall but the Minyards held the crown. “I want it all. I get one truth free on credit, a peak at the childhood trauma you hide under that shirt, a month of cigarettes. Oh, and you’re coming out with us tonight.”   
  
Neil nodded. “Deal. Truth today. The rest will come when you leave rehab.” 

  
“Shirt?”    
  
Neil pursed his lips. If A.J. saw the tattoos he’d never let Neil take care of Kevin. On the other hand A.J. wouldn’t leave if he didn’t want to. “Okay.”   
  
Neil grabbed A.J.’s wrist and squeezed hard enough to hurt. “One truth and my childhood trauma. One evening clubbing. That’s all you’re getting from me.”    
  
A.J. gave a curt nod. Agreed. He let go not a moment too late because Neil heard another voice coming from the hall.    
  
“What are all of you doing here? Don’t you have your keys already?” Matthew Boyd pushed himself through the small crowd and walked into the lounge.    
  
He whistled. “What happened to the table?”    
  
Kevin glanced at it before paling. “Knife song,” he muttered and coach and Abby paled too.

“What do people have against the knife song?” Neil asked. “You’re trying to not chop off your fingers. A.J. remind me to teach you when you get back. It should be fun.”    
  
A.J. nodded before going to the door. “Nicky buy the hobo some clothes. He isn’t coming to Eden’s like that.”   
  
Matt glanced between the cousins and Neil. “You’re already going to Columbia? That’s new and stupid.”    
  
Neil nodded before extending his hand. “I’m Neil Josten.” 

  
“Matt Boyd. Starting backliner. Will teach you a couple of tricks during training.” Neil nodded. Matt would teach him tricks? Neil hadn’t practiced with the Ravens for a long time but he wasn’t that out of shape was he?   
  
“I’ll be the one scoring in your goal,” Neil said. “Well during practice that is. Games are only played to win.”   
  
Matt raised an eyebrow while Neil turned to coach. “Can we finally have the keys. I’m ready to see how dire my living quarters will be.”    
  
Coach scowled and threw two sets of keys at their head.    
  
“Good to see you too, coach,” Matt muttered rubbing his chest.    
  
Neil didn’t care about the niceties. He only wondered if coach had aimed for Matt’s chest instead of his because he knew now. Was he going to treat Neil like a doll? Something easily broken? If so he could just as well have Riko buy him out of the contract and go to the nest.    
  
Neil would talk to his coach about. He would do it soon. After he had talked to Betsy. The shrink was supposed to help him figure things out, wasn’t she?   
  
Neil turned back to Matt. He took a step back to be able to look at Matt’s face. “I don’t have a car. Can you drive me to the dorms?”   
  
“Of course I can. You’re my teammate now. Gotta take care of the little dudes.” Neil smiled at him.   
  
Little dudes. He was still sort of passing. He wasn’t being cast off yet. He was still standing at the Foxhole court with a new team and a new future. Even if only for a year.   
  
Neil would find a way to make it work. With truths and lies and everything in between. He promised himself he’d find a way to make it work.   
  
**   
  
In all the commotion Neil almost forgot he was meeting up with Riko that same day. Riko would be in town on the same day as Neil was going out with the monsters. It was a whole new curse laid upon him.    
  
Neil stretched his muscles when Matt and him finally set down the couch. Why make an elevator if simple furniture would not fit in it? Maybe because elevators weren’t made for furniture or because Palmetto, when compared to Edgar Allen, did not put aside a ridiculous amount of money for its sports teams.    
  
Matt stretched his arms above his head. He looked even more enormous that way. Neil was jealous. Matt was born with everything Neil wanted to have. The muscles, the deep voice, something that would never truly be grace, and testosterone. Matt plopped down on the couch and threw his head back. “I still have to pick Dan and Renee up at the airport. Do you want to come?”   
  
Neil should say yes. He should spend some time with his teammates. On the other hand he still needed an outfit for that afternoon and something from Neil’s regular attire would not cut it.    
  
“No thank you,” Neil said. “I still have to pick up some stuff at the store. Like linens.” Again why not make sure your teams were accommodated? Give them bed linens and towels. Make sure they look good when they’re out and about. Not that Neil wanted to wear any tight clothing. It would show his curves.    
  
Curves he wasn’t supposed to have.   
  
Curves he didn’t want to have.    
  
Neil waited for Matt to leave before he stuffed his bag into the pillowcase and the pillow under his bed. Now it didn’t look any different. Nobody would notice. Neil would just have to find a safe space for his secrets later. Like the british doctors note that Neil was ready to take hormones.    
  
He had been too scared in Millport but if he could show it to dr. Dobson and Abby they might be able to hook him up. If Neil was able to stay at Palmetto for a year he would have one year on T already.    
  
If he had to return to Riko the year after- Well maybe Riko would be lenient. Neil hoped he would be. Hoped Riko wouldn’t throw him out with the trash when he saw him. Neil would not be able to handle that.   
  
He walked into the target after a short run. They should have just about anything here. First he walked to the clothing aisle. Slim, black jeans and a bright red shirt. Maybe he should take the black, denim jacket also? Yes. That would be smart. More layers would hide the curves.    
  
Neil gathered the clothes in his basket and went to the beauty aisle. Mia would love it. She would be picking out what makeup was or was not a good substitute for the brand name stuff they got at the nest. Neil missed Mia and those little outings. He didn’t miss the bodyguards. 

Neil stopped at the hair dye. He couldn’t dye it for real. Kevin would know immediately who he was. Who he used to be. Neil walked a couple steps further to the sprays. They were one time things. Douse your head with water and it came out. That would be perfect.    
  
Neil grabbed the can that looked the most like his original hair color and walked on. He would have to remove his contacts also and how was he going to get a car? This was a travesty! He didn’t have a car. He told Riko he would have a car ready. Would he be able to borrow a car from someone?   
  
Neil’s mind stopped spinning. Allison. Allison had been with him at the clinic. She might be able to recognize him. He would be able to borrow her car!    
  
It was a dream and a nightmare at once. He didn’t want to be recognized but at the same time he needed a car. He didn’t know anyone else he could borrow a car off. Matt would probably say yes but his car was a death machine. The old truck would be able to hit a tree and the tree would fall. That’s how you know quality. That’s also how Neil knew that it wouldn’t be the right car for him.    
  
Allison’s car would be fine. Neil would worry about that later. First he needed to find something to lock his money, passport and binders in. They weren’t for anyone else to see. Even if it meant opening and closing the safe every day to get a clean binder out. It was worth it to feel like a man.    
  
When Neil got to the fox tower Matt was already back. Neil’s heart skipped a beat. What if someone had opened his bag.   
  
Neil couldn’t run up the stairs with the small safe and all his clothes so he waited for the elevator. His feet tapped on the ground. The elevator seems slower than before. Neil didn’t like it. Neil finally stepped into the elevator and clicked the buttons as soon as possible with the safe in his arms. The doors closed and opened again at his floor.    
  
Matt had left the door unlocked but he wasn’t inside. Neil made a beeline for his bed and dropped his stuff on the floor. Something wasn’t right. Neil looked to the right and found the window cracked. He could’ve sworn it was closed when he left.    
  
He opened his bag and found everything as he left it. Neil put his face to the fabric of one of his shirts. It smelled wrong. Not like Neil’s deodorant.  It was something more husky. Quickly he pulled everything out and searched through it. All his money was accounted for. Nobody had tried to shred his binders.    
  
Neil would’ve cried if that had happened. He put everything back and in the pillowcase before pulling lock picks from inside his shoes. You never knew when you would be kidnapped and locked up after all.    
  
Neil did lock his door behind him. He started at the lock of the cousins’ room, and Kevin’s. He stood up before letting the door swing open. “Knock knock, assholes.”   
  
Everyone looked at Neil. Neil smiled his father's smile all sharp edges as he strode towards Kevin. “Kevin, mon ami,” Neil started in French. “Ravens are supposed to teach their young some manners. It seems like you didn’t raise your pups all that well. I smell smoke on my stuff and you’re gonna leash your dog.”   
  
Kevin shook his head. “Only a fool would try to leash A.J.”   
  
“Then call me a fool for I am the devil. You will leash your dog or I know people to do it for you.” Neil pulled up his nose. “You might be a cripple but even your little sister knew the importance of boundaries.”   
  
Neil waggled his eyebrows before leaving the room. He hadn’t closed the door or it had opened again. A hand wrapped around Neil’s throat before he was pushed against the wall. Too close. Kevin was too close. Kevin would recognize him.    
  
“You don’t know anything about Natalia!” Kevin yelled. “She’s a good person. Riko just messed with her head a little so don’t you dare to talk about her again.”   
  
“Or what?” Neil taunted. “You’ll call her? You don’t have her number. Try and contact her uncle, maybe they know where she is.”   
  
“What do you mean?” Kevin pressed harder against his windpipe and Neil was inclined to kick him in the crotch. Make Kevin sing a little.    
  
“My beloved uncle is her beloved uncle. See if he rats out his own niece? I don’t think so.” Neil coughed. Shadows were creeping up in his vision.    
  


“Kevin, if you want to be able to have kids you need to let me go now,” Neil said. Kevin didn’t react besides a raised eyebrow. It pulled on the skin around his tattoo.    
  
If Kevin wouldn’t react Neil would make him react. Neil pulled back his leg a little bit before he could do anything someone had pulled Kevin off of him. It was one of the football guys. “Already?” the tall guy asked. “What’s up with exy and aggressive players?”   
  
“We’re what the world calls problem children,” Neil told him. He wiped his hands on his shirt. The thin layer of sweat didn’t yet stain the clothing. “If you could please let me go I have to go meet my captain for the first time, or you could escort me.”    
  
The football player didn’t let go but tightened his grip when they passed Kevin. Neil knew logically he could get out of the hold in a second but that would be suspicious. A.J. had already been inside his bag. Had already seen his secrets. He didn’t need to know more than that.    
  
Neil knocked on Dan and Renee’s door and waited till one of them opened the door. They didn’t. They just yelled for him to come inside. The football player narrowed his eyes but Neil gave him a sweet smile that made him seem a lot younger than he was. The guy didn’t walk away before Neil had closed the door behind him.   
  
The first thing Dan did was ask if he was Neil. The second was asking who put the bruises on his neck and if he provoked it. Neil didn’t know wether to tell the truth or lie so he settled on the middle ground. “I called Kevin a cripple because he pissed me off. He decided to retaliate. Nobody died sadly.”   
  
Neil would’ve laughed at his own joke if it wasn’t for Renee sitting on the couch with a plate full of cookies and a disappointed smile. “I’m sure you can do better. It wasn’t nice of you to say that.”   
  
Neil pouted a little. “It wasn’t nice of him to go through my stuff.”   
  
Renee nodded slowly. “I agree but you don’t have to fight violence with violence. Cookie?”   
  
Neil did not know what to think. She was clearly upset at his stupid behavior. Still she was offering cookies. Shouldn’t he be punished? Scrub the floors, a couple hits with a cane. No. They weren’t the Ravens. Neil didn’t have to expect violence at every corner. He did might need to expect sex on every sofa in the three apartments.    
  
Nicky was always horny, Kevin came from evermore and couldn’t be accounted for, Dan and Matt seemed to be a couple and Matt had told him that Seth and Allison were in an off again on again relationship. Neil was lucky that sex didn’t put him off anymore but a safe sitting space would be nice.    
  
Matt interrupted the rest of his thoughts. “I think we should get to the court.”    
  
And Neil couldn’t agree more.   
  
**   
The lounge had set up its two couches and two chairs in a semi circle around the tv. Neil found the ‘monsters’, as Matt had dubbed them, on one couch. Matt took the other couch clearly waiting for the two girls to sit down there. Neil took a seat on the outskirts of the circle. He didn’t want to gather too much attention. Not when he could already feel Wymack’s eyes on him.   
  
Neil pulled his phone from his pocket. This had to be quick. Riko was expecting him in a little more than two hours. One hour drive. Neil had to do his hair and clothes and borrow Allison’s car.    
  
If Wymack wasn’t blunt enough with his little talk Neil would mutiny.    
  
Dan and Renee finally sat down. It was only a minute later when a tall, surly guy walked in. He had to be Seth. Behind him was a beautiful, blonde girl. Allison.    
  
Allison scanned the room and let her eyes fall on Neil. “Hello there, long time no see, mister.”   
  
She walked towards his chair and sat down on the arm rest. She squeezed his shoulder with her too long nails. Those had to come off soon.    
  
Neil shook his head and pursed his lips. “I truly thought I’d never see you again, doll face.”   
  
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Allison smirk. Everyone else in the room looked vaguely shocked that they knew each other. “Well, pretty boy, you didn’t say goodbye. I have to give you a second chance just for that.”   
  
Neil squeezed the hand on his shoulder. She would help. He was sure of it. He turned back to the rest of the room. Did he look masculine enough? Maybe he should lean into his chair a bit further, spread his legs a bit wider. This was considered manly wasn’t it.    
  
Allison’s sharp nails probably meant it didn’t. Neil sat up a little straighter and crossed his legs. His ankle rested on his knee. “Can we start?” he asked. “I have a date in a couple of hours.”    
  
Wymack raised both his eyebrows. “Since when do you know people in town?”    
  
Neil pursed his lips. “Since my fiance is coming into this state on a surprise visit.”   
  
“Male or female?” Nicky piped in.    
  
Neil gave him a deadpan look. He saw the glint of a knife and was almost tempted to challenge A.J.. That would be a nice way to die. On the other end of a midget’s knife. Maybe A.J. would poison him tonight.   
  
How poetic. Neil would meet his old flame one last time before being tragically killed by a semi psychotic goblin. Neil narrowed his eyes at A.J.. No, not a goblin. He looked to good for a goblin. His blond hair looked good with the hazel eyes and Neil could swear A.J. was getting freckles. Say goodbye to them, Neil told himself. By the end of summer the freckles would be gone.    
  
Neil continued staring at the team, but mostly A.J. , until Wymack considered the meeting over. Seth tried to get Neil kicked off the team. Neil supposed being close with Allison didn’t help in his favor.    
  
Instead of listening to Seth’s squabbles he pulled Allison’s arm outside.    
  
“Could I borrow your car?” he asked.   
  
“Not if the fiance story was true. Not letting you get back to him.” Allison crossed her arms.    
  
“I never told him the truth back then. He knows now, maybe he accepts me. He is a better person than you think, Alli.” Neil was tempted to pout but didn’t.    
  
“He’s a jerk that broke Kevin’s hand because he was jealous. Not letting you borrow my car.”    
  
Neil narrowed his eyes at her. “I’ll let you shop for a new wardrobe and cut my hair if you let me.”   
  
Allison looked madder than hell. “How could you think I’d be bought out like that!”    
  
“Allison, please. I just need to talk to him one last time. Kevin doesn’t even know who I am.” He gulped. “It’s to finish that chapter of my life.”   
  
She stayed quiet before nodding. “Okay, just this once. I never want to see you near him ever again.”   
  
Neil grinned and went in to hug Allison. “Yes, thank you. Last time.”    
  
He couldn’t promise it. He knew he would go back as soon as Riko asked it of him. He refused to believe Riko was a bad person. He had given Neil a home, a family. Now he was ready to accept Neil as he was.     
  
Neil had to go and see Riko.    
  
Neil stepped out of the pink car in his new clothes. The binder was just tight enough to make his chest seem almost non existent in the oversized shirt. Allison had also sprayed every single lock of his hair. It didn’t look all too natural but Neil could live with it.    
  
Neil already saw the black suv’s on the other side of the road. Right in front of the cafe Riko wanted to meet up at.  Neil walked through the door and heard a little bell ring.    
  
His breath left him. There Riko was. He sat at one of the tables in all black attire. His hair was slicked back and when Neil came closer he stood up. “Kitsune?”   
  
Neil nodded and walked a little faster. Riko opened his arms and let Neil fall into them. “Hello,” Riko said.   
  
“I’m sorry,” Neil whispered. “I should never have left and now I messed things up and will be gone for at least another year.”    
  
Riko held him tight before letting go. “We will discuss this later. First have some coffee.You never gave me the time to learn your order.”    
  
Neil’s lips curved up and he sat down in one of the plush chairs. It was nice to be with Riko again. Real nice.   
  
Twenty minutes later Neil was almost angry with him. Almost. “I can’t come back with you, Riko. I made promises that I have to keep.”   
  
“I can protect you from those, Natalia.” Riko paused. “Shit, sorry, Nathaniel. I’ll learn. I’ll do my best but don’t go again.”   
  
Neil stood up. “I’m sorry, Riko. I cannot. I have to go.”    
  
“Just, please take your present,” Riko said. He handed over a box. A big red bow on top. Neil didn’t open it in the cafe. He just nodded and said his goodbyes, kissing Riko on his cheek once. A I will see you again followed and than Neil was out of the door. How glad he was that he had scorched his fingerprints off all that time ago. One way less for Riko to track him down.    
  
Neil didn’t open the present till he was sitting in Allison’s car. He pulled the bow loose and found a black and red binder inside. The Raven logo was printed on the chest. Riko was trying. Yes, he would do just fine.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/143766018@N05/43427570585/in/dateposted-public/)

 

**   
  
Neil wanted to know how he could be so stupid as to go to Columbia twice in one day. First with Riko. Washing the spray out without the foxes seeing the orange had been hell. And second squashed between A.J. and Aaron in the backseat of the expensive car.    
  
Neil knew A.J. wasn’t supposed to drive with his meds. Still he would have prefered a drugged up A.J. over Nicky’s driving any day. Nicky was a terrible driver. Neil was scared his heart was going to pop out from his mouth and sitting so close to two other people made his skin crawl. What if they felt his skin and thought it felt girly? What if they’d know he was born with a vagina? That would be a nightmare.    
  
Neil took a deep breath. It was okay. It wasn’t like he wasn’t going to tell A.J. a truth later that day either way. Promises were meant to be broken in the end anyway, weren’t they?   
  
Neil did not like the ice cream at sweeties. No matter how many times Nicky poked at him to eat some he did not like the sweets.    
  
“Come on, Neil, just try it. It’s the best ice cream in the area,” Nicky tried again. He looked away when a waiter dumped more napkins on the table. “It’s just ice cream. Even Kevin is eating it. It won’t screw up your precious diet.”   
  
“I don’t like sweets, Nicky.” Neil glared. “I’ve never liked them.”    
  
Nicky shrugged finally stopped bothering him.    
  
How long would it take for them to take Neil to the club? How long would it take A.J. to corner him? To ask him one faithful question. How long would it take Neil to get his bag and start running again?    
  
If A.J. knew who he was, would he send him back to Riko? Neil wouldn’t blame him for it. He would probably do the same.    
  
Not too long after they stood up, paid and went to the club.    
  
The club was washed in purple and blue neon lights. It had two floors and Neil did not want to be on either. He didn’t want to go to the bar with A.J. or meet the bartender. He didn’t want to drink or dance. Although they didn’t force him to do that last thing. So he didn’t.    
  
Neil pulled on the hem of his too tight black shirt. It wasn’t as skin tight as Nicky’s shirt in fact it wasn’t clinging to his skin at all. Still if Neil turned just this way or that he could see slight curves that not even his binder could fully hide. It made him want to scream. So much money for a stupid binder and it still wasn’t enough.     
  
Kevin hadn’t drowned the last of his shots or A.J. was already pulling Neil to the bar with him. A.J. waited for that same waiter. Would they be friends? All that Neil knew was not to trust anyone in that club. How did they even get in anyway? Nicky and Kevin were the only ones old enough to go out.    
  
This evening made him feel fuzzy. He didn’t understand a lot. His mind kept swaying to Riko. This wasn’t how he was supposed to live. This wasn’t how he wanted to live.    
  
“I want a coke, closed,” Neil told the bartender after A.J. had gotten his own order. he wasn’t going to drink anything from that tray. He was raised better than that.    
  
The bartender nodded before sliding over a glass and a can of coke, still closed. Neil thanked him and led A.J. lead the way. He left the glass at the counter. If A.J. noticed he wasn’t commenting on it. Maybe he knew that any question he asked Neil would count as his truth. A.J. was right about that.   
  
He didn’t try anything with drugs. At least not that Neil had noticed. The only thing he did was scowl when Neil decided to also buy his own third drink. A.J. ordered his brother and cousin to stay with Kevin and pulled Neil with him. He led the way to a backroom marked staff only. How did A.J. even know that was there? How many times a month did those guys come to this place?    
  
Inside Neil peeled A.J.’s fingers off of him. They felt a bit sticky from the sweet liquor. The door shut behind him. The music sounded muffled but A.J. still had to talk loudly to be heard. “When are you going to come clean? I’m not leaving them with a threat.”   
  
Them, huh? He might actually care for his brother and cousin after all. That shouldn’t be a surprise. A.J. had beaten up a couple of homophobes right outside that same club after all. Neil would have to choose his words carefully. He would. Some day.    
  
“I would love to tell you. I just don’t know what you want to know?”    
  
“What are you really doing here? And what do you hide beneath that shirt?”    
  
Neil felt himself flinch. He wasn’t ready for this. He didn’t trust A.J.. Kevin might trust him but at that moment Neil didn’t trust Kevin either. It was bad enough that he had come out to Abby, coach and Riko in the past couple of days. People always said coming out gets easier every time. They never said coming out would stay hard. It would suck. It would suck every time.    
  
Every time he would be nervous and nauseous. He would never like that feeling. Still he had to do it. He had to tell A.J..   
  
Neil took a deep breath shoved his knife sheaths over the tattoos and pulled his shirt over his head. It was a lot less graceful as he wanted it to be but it had to be done. A.J. had to see.    
  
A.J. was quiet. Real quiet.    
  
Neil could still hear the music but A.J. kept standing in that exact same spot like time didn’t move on without him. Neil wrung the shirt between his hands before starting to pull it on again. “There’s three knives and one gun. The belt hides scars from when I was thirteen or fourteen. Too young. I ran away from home and a life that was connected to the Ravens at the moment I knew I wanted to be Neil. I have been Neil for two and a half years.”   
  
He paused. It didn’t even look like A.J. was thinking. He was still. So still. Maybe working through things of his own.    
  
A.J. walked past him to the door. He didn’t look at Neil but he did say one last thing. “Take the time you need before going out there. Sorry for forcing you to out yourself. You can have Kevin for seven weeks. If he dies or gets hurts I’ll come after you.”    
  
Neil didn’t answer. Didn’t even have it in him to nod. He stood still in that room and heard the door close. Tears dribbled down his face in steady streams. He didn’t know what was worse. His reaction, his apathy. People caring too much about the special snowflake or people not caring about it at all. Like it never even happened. Like Neil didn’t have to throw away all he ever had just so he could live like himself for a year.    
  
When he came out of the back room A.J. had rounded up his group and had them ready to go. He didn’t comment on the tear streaks on Neil’s face and the others were too drunk to care. Neil didn’t feel like commenting on that either. 


	4. Four for boy

A.J.’s departure didn’t go unnoticed for the rest of the team. He didn’t say goodbye but seeing Neil step into the maserati with Nicky, Aaron and Kevin was a big tell. Matt must’ve told them about the fight between Neil and A.J. All of them knew about the fight between Kevin and Neil. Neil could still feel the bruises around his windpipe.    
  
Kevin led the way to the stadium. Aaron was right behind him but Nicky lingered next to Neil. “Does your fiance know that you want to fuck Kevin?”    
  
Neil tore his eyes away from Kevin to glare at Nicky. “I don’t want to fuck Kevin. I promised A.J. that I would take care of him. All of you probably. Although we agreed Aaron might be able to take care of himself.”   
  
Neil sped up his pace but Nicky kept at his side easily. “Don’t lie to me. You didn’t even tell me anything about your mystery fiance. Do they even exist? And even Erik agrees with me that Kevin is a viable side piece that I could do without repercussions. He’s on the list you know.”   
  
Neil cut him off. “I don’t need a side piece. I need peace. Of mind. If you even put half of this energy into practice, you’d be able to keep up with Aaron at least.” Neil stopped in his tracks. “What if I tell you one thing about my fiance for every extra practice you do with me?”   
  
Nicky cocked his head. “That secretive about them? Really?”   
  
“Do you want to know about them or don’t you?” Neil scanned Nicky’s face. The tall guy should be choosing the fiance over his free time. After the past month Neil knew that much and he was right.    
  
After practice, Neil and Nicky stayed in gear. Neil told Aaron to go ahead if he didn’t want to join them. Neil told Kevin to stay out of his way. Kevin didn’t get off the court but at least he didn’t butt in. He stood on the other side of the court. Neil recognized the Raven drills. He wanted to join in. Call orders for Kevin and see if his right hand came close to what his left used to be able off.    
  
Neil shook his head and turned to Nicky. “We’ll start with drills. My cousin taught me. She was good.”    
  
It took hours that first day and Nicky still didn’t have half of the drill down. Neil wanted to be angry but he knew what he had started. Nicky was trying. He hadn’t been great but he could be something more. Something better. Something Raven. If he was trained well enough. For now this had to do.    
  
The first tid bit Neil shared about Riko was height. “He’s five five. It isn’t much taller than me but it makes me feel safer than a Matt looming over me.”   
  
This went on for two weeks before Kevin started butting in from time to time. “He’s too slow.”    
  
“He would never be able to stop a team like the Raven’s like that.”   
  
“Nicky, step up your game! A Raven rookie has that drill down within a week you’ve been trying for two already.”    
  
Neil saw Nicky’s fingers tighten around the Exy stick before he began walking towards the door. “This isn’t worth it, Neil. Maybe when you’re no longer stuck to Kevin but I won’t train like this.”    
  
Neil clenched his jaw. Did Kevin had to ruin everything? Neil just begun to like talking to Nicky. Neil turned to Kevin and crossed his arms.   
  
“So you’re a dictator now,” Neil said before Nicky could leave the court. “I didn’t know number two of the perfect court didn’t care for his subjects. Nicky is doing good. He’s getting better every day and you’re too obsessed with that Exy stick up your ass to see that.”    
  
Kevin scowled.   
  
“I promised A.J. to protect you but I also want to train Nicky. If you want this team to get better, you better stay out of my way.”    
  
Kevin clenched his jaw. Neil knew he would hate him. Neil didn’t care. This wasn’t the Kevin that used to be his brother. This wasn’t the Kevin that had cared for him at the nest. That Kevin hadn’t even really cared about him. Had never even visited him. All he cared about was Exy.    
  
Neil was done with that. Kevin wasn’t his brother and he probably wouldn’t be again. In just five weeks A.J. would be back to take over Kevin. Just five more weeks till Neil could stop talking to Kevin outside of practice. He was be glad the stint would be over.    
  
Neil called after Nicky. “Stay. Kevin is done being a bitch now.”    
  
Nicky sighed. “Can we start over tomorrow? I’m getting tired.”    
  
Neil thought it over before nodding. “Take the car. Kevin and I will jog back.” Nicky nodded and left the court.    
  
Neil looked at Kevin who continued slamming balls at the court walls. His grip wasn’t as steady as it had once been. He didn’t look as sure as he once had. Neil had envied him when they were little. In the way all little siblings envied their older brothers and sisters. Now he felt sorry. Kevin had to start all over.    
  
Time and time again Kevin had to hold himself back so he wouldn’t overshadow Riko. Now his hand was broken. Neil didn’t know how to feel about it. He loved both of them. It was small and fleeting but he loved them regardless. He was also scared of both of them. Riko knew too much to be a safe haven and Kevin was too much of a coward to ever know anything.    
  
Neil wanted to punch a wall. He didn’t.    
  
“Natalia taught me a few backliner tricks. Ones that I’ll be teaching Nicky. Do you want to do a one-on-one with me?” Neil asked.   
  
Kevin turned around. The ball slipped out of the racket’s net. “Are you serious? You are only a half decent striker. How would you stop me as a backliner?”   
  
“Try me.” Neil raised an eyebrow and positioned himself between Kevin and the goal.    
  
Kevin brazed himself and started running. Neil did well against him. Really well. Until Kevin tried to take a shot at goal. Neil positioned himself like he had done a million times before and faced the wrong hand. Muscle memory took over and when he tried to stop Kevin still he almost wiped both of them onto the court floor.    
  
The ball still landed in the middle of the goal.    
  
Kevin stumbled a couple of steps before grabbing Neil by his collar. If he pushed any harder he could feel the extra reinforcement of the woman's armor. “That was dirty. She teach you Raven tricks? Teach you how to cheat? If you’re such a good backliner why did you even become a striker in the first place?”    
  
Neil shrugged. “I wanted to improve. Being a backliner became boring and with one goalklike A.J. do you even need good backliners? If tried he could shut any team out one on one.”    
  
Kevin pushed Neil away hard enough for Neil to hit the floor. “He wouldn’t be able to stop a team like the Ravens. It’s why the team needs to train harder. You need to train harder.”   
  
“You too,” Neil said. “Change out we’re jogging back since Nicky has the car.”    
  
Kevin huffed but obeyed. Before he left the court Neil heard Kevin mutter. “Why did A.J. even leave me with this moron?”    
  
Neil just smirked and gathered a couple of balls. If only Kevin knew. Neil wanted to tell him. Wanted to be a family again. Together. He was half tempted to throw a ball against the back of Kevin’s helmet. If only the older boy wouldn’t be so angry all the time.    
  
Would it be because he missed Thea? Or did he truly miss Natalia? Was he scared of someone? Neil didn’t know and it turned him half crazy. Half because he had to focus on not behaving like himself. Behaving like himself might just be the last piece of the puzzle that Kevin needed.    
  
Neil finished gathering the balls and followed Kevin off the court. Someday he would tell Kevin the truth. Today was not that day.   
  
**   
  
Neil had shifted his schedule around. Again and again and again. He wanted to spend time with Matt since Matt was a genuinely nice person. He also wanted to help Nicky train and now kevin wanted him to start doing evening practice with him. Neil was almost impressed he’d held out for this long.    
  
He had also expected Kevin to want to train against Neil as a backliner. Instead Kevin threw all his energy into getting Neil up to par.   
  
“You play like you’ve been doing this for years. I don’t think your stats were right,” Kevin said at the end of one practice.    
  
Neil shrugged and bounced another ball straight into the orange cone. “Told you I’d been practicing with that friend of yours. I’d never been on a team before Millport but she’d been teaching me for over two years.”   
  
Kevin froze. His left hand and his jaw clenched. “She ran away two years ago?”   
  
Neil’s eyebrows furrowed. He held his Exy stick losely and turned to Kevin. “You didn’t know? Your so called sister ran away two years ago and you didn’t know?”   
  
“Riko never told me. The master said that we had to stay inside for safety reasons. The car accident wasn’t an accident and I wasn’t allowed to see her until she returned to the nest. 

She never did. All I got were updates.” Kevin looked down at his left hand. “I guess Riko lied about that too.”   
  
“Too?” Neil asked.    
  
“He used to call me his brother. I was his best friend in a way. Jean and Natalia were different. Jean was property and she was his pet project. He got her as a picture perfect bride and she’d do anything he’d ask of her, even if it made her feel miserable.” Kevin hadn’t looked up from his hand yet. He seemed to be tracing the scars with his right thumb.    
  
“Natalia was raised to be a bride. Her skin was unmarred and you know who her father is. She had connections. I guess you do too.”    
  
Neil nodded.   
  
“She got her first tattoos on her fifteenth birthday. A way for Riko to ensure his brother could not get to her. He told her it was because he loved her. It would keep her safe and show everyone how much they cared for each other. He never wore a token that he was hers. Not even when she started wearing his ring when she was almost sixteen.   
  
“He was her world but she wasn’t happy. I knew but I never asked. I think that was what went wrong between us. Jean kept telling me she was happy. That she had been texting Mia again.    
  
“Every time he told me Natalia texted them Mia showed up with new bruises. Natalia didn’t even know what her friends were going through.” Kevin looked up. His green eyes vivid against his dark skin. “I don’t blame her. I couldn’t. She had every right to run away. Just like I had last winter. I’m only sorry neither of us was able to take Mia or Jean with us. They deserved to get out too.”   
  
Neil couldn’t look away. The truth lay on the tip of his tongue. It’s me, Kevin. I’m sorry I never told you. I don’t blame you for anything.    
  
Neil didn’t say any of that. Instead he started gathering the balls in the bucket. He couldn’t tell Kevin. Not yet at least.   
  
If Neil had told Kevin would Kevin have run too? Would he have come with Neil? Would Neil have let him? London over Exy. He must be kidding. Kevin would never chose Neil over all of that. It’s exactly how Neil had chosen his truth over Kevin over Exy. To Neil it was being Neil or playing exy with Kevin. A package deal and he chose the other end. He would never regret choosing Neil, choosing Abram, over that deal.    
  
“You really didn’t know,” Neil said. “I can promise you, she wasn’t bitter over you not asking what was wrong. She only ever told three people. Jean, Mia and uncle Stuart. Some days I thought she was pregnant but she said they’d never gone that far. Apparently Riko and her aren’t allowed any children.”   
  
“It muddles with the bloodline,” Kevin answered. “It’s why Riko was afraid his brother would take her away. He only had one thing that Ichirou did not, her.”   
  
“She sounds like a toy.”   
  
“Like I said. She was his pet project. Protect, teach, keep. Sometimes I wonder if Natalia knew the difference between love and safety. Love and obsession. Wanting and keeping.”    
  
“She was a dog.”   
  
“She was a Raven. We all were. It seems normal until you see the other side of the smoke screen.”    
  
Neil whipped his helmet off. “We’re done for tonight. Talking about her like this makes me nauseous.”    
  
Kevin agreed and they walked off the court together. They should clean the floor of more than the balls and cones. Neil’s instincts told him to polish the floor and wipe it clean of sweat. He didn’t because Kevin didn’t. It must be okay if he did it.    
  
Kevin always knew what to do with exy. This wouldn’t be different.    
  
Neil drove them back in the car his uncle had bought for him. Stuart had been overjoyed that he finally wanted a car. He was only waiting for the okay to fix Neil’s closet. That would never happen. Neil liked the loose clothes. They hid curves in ways tighter clothes couldn’t.    
  
Kevin stopped Neil outside his room. He rubbed his hand shortly. “You really don’t know what was bothering her?” Kevin asked.    
  
“My uncle called her Abram after our grandfather. That must say enough.” Kevin always knew what to do with exy. This wouldn’t be different.    
  
Kevin stayed silent for long enough that Neil had already opened his dorm. “So I should call him Abram then? I can do that.” 

 

“I think he’d appreciate that,” Neil said before closing the door behind him. 

 

Was this coming out to Kevin? Did this count? Was this the truth or just more of the same intricate lie? Neil didn’t know it anymore. It just made him tired. 

 

He rubbed his eyes and found Matt on the couch. Seth was nowhere to be seen. 

 

Matt lifted a corner of the blanket where he sat on the couch. It wasn’t the first time he would hug Neil or try to get him close but cuddling on a couch seemed like next level friendship. 

 

Neil kicked off his shoes, walked to the couch and sank down under the blanket. “Hey Matt,” he murmured. 

 

Matt laid a hand around his shoulders and pulled him closer. “Hey midget, Allison was talking about buying you contacts for the games, did she tell you already?” 

 

Neil nodded. “I don’t need them. I have my own. Just don’t like them. They itch.” 

 

Neil closed his eyes and laid his head on Matt’s shoulder. Matt took off Neil’s glasses and pulled the blanket straight. “Then only wear them for safety purposes.” 

 

“Yes, dad,” Neil said before his breath evened and Matt smiled. 


	5. Not the final countdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's 2am and i still have 10 chapters for you guys. bare with me. any mistakes left in the fic are my own and will be dealt with when i can see straight again

It had been one week since Neil had told Kevin that Natalia was now being called Abram, but didn’t tell him that Abram was now called Neil. Who was Neil to disclose that information anyway. The most important people in his life, namely Stuart, Mia and Jean, called him Abram anyway. Kevin didn’t know that Neil was Abram so that was good either way. 

It was four weeks until A.J. was coming back. Neil had wanted to go and visit him. He was curious if he had changed. If he had been right. If A.J. was finally able to piece together his mind. The only fear left was that A.J.  _ would  _ be able to figure out who Neil was. He’d seen the bandages, heard the connections between Natalia and Neil. A.J. looked a lot smarter than he seemed. When he comes back he’d have had seven weeks to figure Neil out. What if he had and wanted Neil to leave.

Neil couldn’t leave not now. He didn’t even want to leave. Seth was still a jerk from time to time but Matt was godsend. He reminded Neil of Mia when she just arrived at the nest. Happy and caring. Like the older sibling Neil should’ve had. Jean was his confidant and his best friend but Kevin had been an older brother. The problem was that he always chose Riko out of fear. Held himself back out of fear. 

What would Kevin be like without his fear? How good could he have become? Neil could only guess and now with his hand still healing Neil didn’t know how far he could go. 

In three days Neil was expected to check in with Riko again. Three days. Three days. Three days. Someone pulled his hair and Neil tumbled out of his chair in the girls room. He looked up from the floor to see Allison leaning over the back of it. 

He slid his glasses back up his nose and pushed the blonde curls out of his face. He had gotten lazy. He thought he was safe here. He was not safe. Seth was still here and who knew if Riko had figured out where he was already. Neil suspected he had a couple more weeks. Until his face was highlighted by the ncaa as the foxes freshman striker. Neil had this till the end of summer. 

He glared at Allison for reminding him of that. 

“What’s with the look? You asked me to prep you for your date in a couple of days, right?” She flipped her hair and crossed her arms. Neil had to say he loved her heels. 

“Great heels,” he said. “Now you’ll only be a feet taller than I am. I need to get a haircut, a can of colored spray, good clothes that match him.” 

Allison nodded and sat down in the chair Neil used to occupy. She crossed her legs high. He felt like he had to reprimand her for it. He tightened his jaw instead. 

She cocked her head and licked her lips. “We need to shop for a couple of things but I can cut your hair. Won’t be the first time.” She shoved a hand through his curls, her fingers snagged on the knots. “Do you ever think about throwing out the glasses? They’re awful.”

“Matt told me you hated them. I’ll keep them on out of spite. Besides you won’t see me eyes either way.” It sounded cryptic but they both knew what Neil was referring to. “It’s also an easy way for people to see I’m not the twins.”

“Honey, with those legs you could never be Minyard.” Neil squinted his eyes. 

“I know my legs are fine, Reynolds but there’s something to say for broad shoulders and a good ass.” 

Allison softly patted his butt before shuffling him to the door. “There’s nothing wrong with your ass either, honey.” 

Neil sat down in the bathroom of the girls room. Allison got all the hair stuff and went down to work. She had gotten better over the years. Might have gotten better because she had to help Renee. Those roots were a real pain in the ass.

“While you’re at it,” Neil started. “Could you touch up my roots. I won’t spray it till Saturday so it won’t stain my hair.” 

She pursed her lips. “Sure. Just know that the moment he figures out who you are I’ll be the one to make your hair healthy again by shaving it all off. See if you’re still a pretty boy when you’re bald.”

Neil pursed his lips right back. “I’ll always be a handsome boy, Alli. It’s what Bee makes me say every week.” 

Neil stuffed his hands under his thighs. He still went to her every Monday after practice. She noticed right on cue every time he had nightmares or had to see Riko or had seen Riko. She said he got worse on those days. That wasn’t how he felt but who was he to judge a professional. 

Besides nightmares weren’t a sign that he was scared of Riko or that his relationship with Riko was bad. It was just a sign of stress. Training Nicky was stressful and seeing Kevin was also. Not getting texts back from Mia and Jean was even worse. Last week Neil had almost send uncle Stuart to check on them before he got a short text. 

**|| Jean: not dead yet. Can’t get rid of us that easily.**

It hadn’t been as reassuring as Neil had hoped the text would be. Yet. Yet. Yet. The word had echoed in his head for days. 

Yet. 

Yet. 

Yet. 

Not dead yet. 

It meant that any day could be their last and Neil had no clue how to get them out of the nest. And how would it look on Riko. His whole perfect court would have left. He’d be ravenous. 

Ravenous. 

_ She was a dog.  _

Neil shook his head. He was much more to Riko than a pet. He was his fiancé. His youth love. If anyone could survive the nest with Riko it would’ve been Neil. 

It would’ve been Neil as he used to be. As she used to be. 

The only one to truly survive the nest was Natalia. Only because she had been the first to die. Oh, how seven year old Neil had wanted to kill her off. His mother had stopped him. A year later his father had tried to beat it out of him. 

Neil had never brought it up at the nest. 

The first person he told after the nest was Allison, then the nurse, then his uncle. His uncle gifted him a name, a passport, clothes and a life. Abram Hatford was a gift to Neil. A boy he could’ve been if only he had been born that way. 

_ “There is nothing wrong with resenting what you could not have. As long as you don’t let it consume you,”  _ Bee often said. Neil had to agree with her. On more than one occasion. 

He looked up and crossed looks with Allison in the mirror. “I like your curls,” she said. 

Neil nodded. “I like it like this too. Thank you.” He raked his fingers through the mob of hair. It was almost soft. It looked fluffy. He pulled the glasses off and turned to Allison. “Do I look like a boy yet?” 

It was the first thing he’d asked her the last time she’s cut his hair three years ago. Tears welled in her eyes. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders tightly. “Oh honey, you always have.”

Neil hugged her back and blinked his own tears away. It may be toxic masculinity but he didn’t want to cry for being happy. For being happy with his friends. This should be his normal. Sitting in a bathroom with Allison doing his hair being happy, smiling, laughing, talking about love. 

Talking about love. Speak up, he ordered himself. “Do you love Seth? Do you love someone at all? Or is all everyone talks about lust?” 

Allison let him go and sat down at the toilet. It was crammed close enough together that their knees were touching. “Do you doubt you love him or that he loves you?” She scanned his face when he didn’t answer. “I love Seth. I also love someone else. But I chose to love Seth over everyone else. We have our ups and down and sex is a big part of our relationship. Not because we need sex but because it’s how we show that we do love each other. If you don’t want to have sex that is okay. If you do, that’s also okay. 

“Romance and lust or not the same and they go together and apart. Some people don’t want or need the romance part. Some people don’t want or need the sex part. That’s sexuality. I get that your fancy British uncle and everyone else in your life didn’t explain that to you but if you need it I will.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you for not wanting to kiss or have sex with him. You might be engaged but your boundaries are yours and should be respected. That’s what love is about.” 

Neil nodded a couple of times before looking at his hands. “I don’t think that I’ll ever want to. 

Not with him. Not with anyone else I have met either. I don’t know if he’ll respect that.”

 

“Then leave him.”

 

“I can’t. I won’t.” Riko was all Neil would have when he left the foxes. He was all Neil had before leaving the nest. Well with family. But Jean and Mia would still be there. Would still love him. He still loved them. He still loved Riko. He had to. 

 

Shortly after their conversation they left the bathroom. Neil hadn’t put his glasses on again yet. Matt was sitting with Renee and Dan on the couch. He whistled. “You look hot, bro.” 

 

Neil smiled at them. Did a little twirl before stopping himself. That wasn’t masculine. “Thanks. Allison is the best hairdresser I ever had and that counts Europe.” 

 

Neil sat down with them for a while. He’d go shopping tomorrow. For now he had practice with Kevin. Nicky would come next week again. Neil had to give him a couple days off so he’d have time to get himself ready. Who knew what Riko had been planning? 

 

His stomach was all over itself with nerves. He’d have a good talk with Bee on Monday if they were good or bad nerves. Neil just hoped they were good. 

 

**

 

Neil’s eyes flitted around the small, bright room. He lingered on the glass creatures. He wanted to throw a couple to the ground.

 

He would if he hadn’t known how much Bee loved them. He wrung his hands. His head felt like someone filled it with rocks. Small, smooth, round ones. They were multicolored and it left him with a headache. The spaces were filled with sand. No sound got through. Just the bright light. He wanted to puke. He felt hands running all over his arms. 

 

“Neil, count with me,” Bee filtered through the sand. “Starting at eleven we count down to one. Eleven, ten, nine, eight.”

 

Neil took a breath and counted. “Six, five, four, three, two, one.” He took another deep breath. “Eleven, ten, nine, eight.”

 

The sand slowly seeped away. Neil pushed the small rocks to the corner of his mind. “Allison said that in love you have romance and lust. You can have one without the other. My fiancé, the one I told you about, he doesn’t believe that.” 

 

Neil did not want to think about it too much. He wanted to claw his skin off. He wanted to shave off his hair and take out his contacts and run all the way to England. He’d be safe with his uncle. 

 

Safe. Safe. Safe. 

 

Safe had been Riko’s word. Riko was in no way safe Saturday. His hands were everywhere. Left prints all over Neil. Neil wanted to cut them off but he had left all his weapons at the tower and in the car. He should be safe with Riko. 

 

Safe. Safe. Safe. 

 

Bee tapped her papers against the small table to they were perfectly straight. Neil almost asked her to lay them down in a messy way. He never wanted to hear the word perfect again. 

 

New wounds had been seared into his skin. Neil lifted the cuff of his long sleeved shirt. “He did this after.”

 

A black heart was tattooed on the inside of his wrist. It was made of a smaller than sign and a three. Bee wouldn’t see the significance. Neil thought he knew someone who would. 

 

I’m not a math problem, Neil had once said. He may not be a math problem but he was a puzzle waiting to be solved. His fingers spelled out stories and his tongue was lathered in lies. 

 

The pieces may not all fit but Neil knew someone would piece two and two together and get a picture perfect three. “He did this after- after the thing.” 

 

Bee seemed smart enough to understand that. “Neil, it might be important for you to say out loud what he did to you. It must not have been easy to have any of that done to you.” 

 

Neil shook his head. He did not want to say it. Saying it made it real. More real than the phantom hands and lips and the prickle of the needle in his arm and on his hips. He had been so young. Too young to have tattoos but they took them anyway. 

 

_ If you love me, you will do this.  _

 

I do. I do love you.

 

Neil did. Neil had loved him. 

 

“He raped me. I don’t think I love him anymore, Bee,” Neil whispered. “Can you abuse someone who loves you that much?”

 

“I think you can,” Bee said. “Even if he loves you he can abuse you. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean the other person has any rights about your body. Are you okay with doing a couple tests with Abby?” 

 

Neil nodded. “Just an STI one right?” 

 

Bee nodded this time. “Yes. Shall we continue with our talk about conversion before your time is up?”

 

Neil nodded. He would tell her about the euphoria of Allison and Matt calling him a pretty boy, handsome. He was done telling her about the pain Riko brought. She couldn’t understand anyway. 

 

It was something between the two of them. Something that was now broken. He wondered if something that wrong could be fixed. Because sometimes you get what you need and not what you want but Neil neither wanted or needed this and he didn’t know how to lose it. Yet. 


	6. "Come," I say. "Come."

Neil was supposed to go with the cousins and Nicky to pick A.J.  up. He sat in the back seat behind Kevin missing his own car every minute of the ride. 

 

It wasn’t as if he liked cars. It wasn’t as if he loved driving. It was just better to be the one behind the wheel. That way Neil could control when and where he’d run them all of the road. 

 

Nicky’s driving felt like flying off the road. Neil never wanted to sit in a car with him again. He was almost tempted to walk back to fox tower when they got A.J. but the hour long drive would be a too long walk. 

 

Neil scrolled through the texts in his phone. He should’ve gotten the hint long ago. He should’ve seen that Riko didn’t have good intentions. 

 

**|| Riko: I need to know you’re okay**

 

**|| Riko: I want you inside my room. I miss you when I wake up.**

 

**|| Riko: I yearn for you**

 

**|| Riko: Is your skin still soft? Do you still have the tattoos? Guess I’ll find out soon.**

 

**|| Riko: Call me when you arrive at your place.**

 

**|| Riko: Seems like I finally found a good way to shut you up.**

 

Neil shivered hard enough for Aaron to send him strange looks. They had all been inside Neil’s room when he got back the morning after seeing Riko. 

 

Apparently Matt had been worried because Neil hadn’t come back. At first he thought of Nicky and Kevin. Aaron was the one that woke up first and the three of them had gathered in Matt and Seth’s room. When Kevin didn’t know more they went to get Allison because she seemed close to him. At least she got to cut his hair. 

 

Allison didn’t know either. He had lied to her. Said he was training with Kevin, told Kevin he would shop with Allison. Told himself that it was a good idea. 

 

It wasn’t. It wasn’t. It wasn’t. 

 

Neil came back shivering. He was still in the dark dress shirt and red pants he had bought with Allison. He looked every inch a Raven. Every inch a traitor. If not for the long slices in the shirt along his cuffs and upper body. They thought the binder was an undershirt. They were wrong but Neil wouldn’t correct them. 

 

He didn’t say anything but “Don’t touch me. I’m seeing Betsy tomorrow. I’m fine, don’t worry. I’m seeing Betsy tomorrow.”

 

They hadn’t touched him but he could still hear them all yelling and discussing long after he had closed the bathroom door behind him. He stayed under the hot water until it turned cold and then some. 

 

Neil was send back to the present by the swerving car. “Almost there, Neil. Don’t fall asleep now.” 

 

“I wasn’t sleeping.” Hadn’t for days. Neil’s phone beeped. 

 

**|| Riko: When am I able to see you again?**

 

**|| Riko: I want your hands and mouth.**

 

Neil felt like puking. He contented himself by scratching at the skin above his hips. If he pressed too hard he could still feel the bruises Riko had left behind those weeks ago. 

 

He shivered again. He jumped when something soft hit him but it was just Aaron’s sweater. Neil was already wearing long sleeves but they all still thought he was cold. 

 

He didn’t deserve them. Didn’t deserve this team. Not when he was dirtied like this. 

 

He was promised to someone else before this after all. Started at the first branch and ended at the bottom. 

 

Nicky pulled up at the parking lot and waited for everyone to climb out before locking the car. Neil vaguely heard him asking for the second set of keys. A.J.’s set. Soon Neil would be pushed back to the outskirts of the group. He would be going back to how it started. Alone. 

 

Strange enough he was okay with that. On the other hand he wasn’t. He would reluctantly say he had become friends with Nicky and maybe even Kevin when they weren’t yelling. Aaron was a semi-unpleasant acquaintance. They might have talked a couple of times a played some video games until they realized that Neil was a hopeless gamer. 

 

They walked in. The nurse behind the desk had her hair pulled back tight enough to have it receding her hairline and her face was not so kind. It reminded Neil of his own clinic way back when. 

 

Nicky signed them all in and they sat on the hard chairs until A.J. came down a set of stairs. He didn’t look at any of them before walking to the door. 

 

The cousins didn’t think it strange and Kevin went along with it. Neil raised his eyebrows before also following. 

 

Outside he was blinded by the light. It took a while to adjust and he saw A.J. throwing all contents of his bag out. He reminded Neil of something. It was like seeing Neil in his outfit Sunday morning. He had almost burned it. Allison wouldn’t let him. She said the fumes were poisonous. Neil wanted to do it regardless. Have his lungs be as dirty as his body felt. 

 

Neil arrived at the car before A.J. but after Aaron, Nicky, and Kevin. They all stood by respective doors. Seems like Neil would be fitted between the two cousins. A.J. would be driving them back after all. 

 

Heavy footsteps made Neil turn around. He was almost afraid of the hit. Of the bruises that served as reminders. Stupid, whore for me only, you’re a girl, raven, dog. Kitsune. 

 

Neil waited for the hit and when it didn’t come he unfurled his arms from across his chest. 

 

“Sleeves up,” A.J. sneered at Neil. Neil crossed his arms again but A.J. was already reaching for his sleeves. 

 

Neil took a step back and had a knife poised towards A.J. within seconds. “Do not touch me.” 

 

The shorter blond nodded. “Okay. Lift up your sleeves.” 

 

Neil looked around. None of the ‘monsters’ would help him. A.J. was back and they would always take his side. Neil looked at Kevin who was staring at A.J. This was the end. Kevin would know and Neil wouldn’t be able to continue to be Neil. If this went wrong, he either had to go to Evermore or England. 

 

Goodbye big brother, goodbye best friend, goodbye future and exy and choices. 

 

Neil grabbed the hem of his left sleeve and pulled it up. The heart was dark against his tan skin. None of the others had commented on the long sleeves. Yet. This was the first time all of them saw the new tattoo. 

 

Aaron and Nicky saw nothing wrong. Kevin’s face was devoid of color, A.J.’s face was a perfect blank. Neil almost wished he was back on his meds. He would’ve handled being slammed against a car and held in a chokehold better when his attacker was smiling. 

 

“So you are a spy after all?” A.J. said. “Why haven’t you taken Kevin back yet?” 

 

“I’ve been running for three years Minyard, do the math. I need Kevin to distract him away from me.” Neil smiled his father’s smile but didn’t go for his knives. Let A.J. finish him off. No more pain. No more crawling skin. 

 

A.J.’s eyes flicked to the scar on the top of Neil’s left arm. “Open fracture.”

 

“Pierced right through. I prefer to drive places. That way I can choose whether I run is all of the road.” Neil felt his smile sharpen before it disappeared.

 

Kevin had walked closer. “Let him go, A.J. Ducky would never hurt me. He’d rather die himself.”

 

A.J. shifted his head to the side before letting go of Neil. Neil used the collar of his shirt to wipe his skin off. He pulled his sleeves down. The more fabric between him and other people the less he felt like escaping his body. 

 

“Guess I need a deal with you too.” He walked to the car and snatched the keys from Nicky’s hand. Guess Neil would be sitting in the middle of Nicky and Aaron in that stupid, little car. 

 

Neil sat down and stayed quiet the whole ride. Everyone was silent. Even Nicky. Everyone looked up when Neil’s phone chimed thirty minutes into the drive. 

 

**|| Riko: it takes six weeks for the sickness to kick in but only two before you can take a test. Do me a favor and call me after? I love you, Kitsune.**

 

“Pull over,” Neil said. “Pull over!”

 

A.J. swerved and as soon as the car stopped Neil threw the door open and himself over Nicky. He puked until his stomach was empty and dry heaved after that. Could he be? No. He wouldn’t be. But wasn’t this why Bee and him postponed the testosterone. Why they waited. See if he was pregnant first and start later. 

 

But nobody could know he was pregnant. Most of all not Riko. Not the Moriyamas. Nobody. The team couldn’t know either. They wouldn’t let him play. They’d kick him out of school. 

 

Neil wiped his mouth on his sleeve before climbing back into his seat. “Guess I caught the flu. Can you drive me to the pharmacy?” A.J. locked eyes with Neil through the rearview mirror and nodded. Neil nodded back. 

 

20 minutes later A.J. threw everyone out of the car and waited for Neil to close the door before speeding off. 

 

He stopped in a parking spot in front of the pharmacy. “Can you buy something for me?” Neil asked. “If the main branch finds out I might be-” he took a deep breath. “That I might be pregnant they will kill me.” 

 

“Who would you be pregnant with?” A.J. asked. 

 

“My fiancé.” A.J. kept quiet. “Second branch. Riko. My name is Natalia Mary Wesninski but I prefer Abram Hatford. You can call me Neil though.” 

 

A.J. turned in his seat. He faced Neil but Neil stared forward. “Don’t worry. He doesn’t know that I am Neil. He still calls me by my old nickname. Kevin didn’t know before today either. Only coach, Bee and Abby know that I was born as a girl. I’m in therapy.” 

 

“Like Nicky?”

 

“No. Bee is a good woman. You should know. She does you too.” 

 

A.J. nodded. “Did you want Riko to-” He didn’t finish the sentence. 

 

“No. Pregnancy is one of my worst fears. Don’t worry. I talk about it with Bee.” 

 

A.J. wrung his hands. He raked them through his hair. Fiddled with the edge of his black armbands. “I don’t like being called Andrew because the last person to use it didn’t believe in my no.” 

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Neil looked up at A.J. Why tell Neil a secret so deep? Didn’t Neil owe him the truth for sending him to rehab. 

 

“I believe in fair trade and your truth was too much for keeping Kevin safe.”

 

“I outed the man once. Seems fair someone outed me to him too,” Neil mumbled. “Can you just buy the test and go back to the dorm.” 

 

Neither of them said anything. Not when A.J. left the car and not when he threw the paper bag in Neil’s lap. They didn’t say anything as the walked into Neil’s dorm or when A.J. dragged him to the roof after five minutes. 

 

They waited. Neil didn’t want to look but he didn’t want to ask A.J. to look either. He wanted it to not be true. Never had he had so much luck. Truth be told he didn’t think he’d have luck this time either. 

 

In the end Neil didn’t have to ask A.J. to look. He just did. The only word he uttered was “Sorry.” 

 

It fell flat. Neil almost hoped his heart would fall just as flat. Death would be such a sweet embrace but he couldn’t do that. Couldn’t do that to Jean and Mia. Couldn’t do it to uncle Stuart. Couldn’t do it to Kevin who had no clue to what was happening if it didn’t happen a hundred years ago. He wouldn’t do it to A.J. who told him a truth in return and tried to protect him and left Kevin in his hands because Neil showed him a binder. He couldn’t do it to any of them. 

 

He wouldn’t do it to the thing inside his stomach. No matter how much he wanted to claw it out. 

 

A.J. didn’t stand up and leave when Neil started crying. He didn’t touch him either. Neither of them wanted to in that moment. Both were to consumed with the bad memories. 

 

Neil looked up when he heard the sound of a lighter. He stared at A.J. he wanted to be the one to take a drag. See if the smoke tasted like burning tires. 

 

A.J. didn’t take a drag. He stared at it, face still completely blank. He put the cigarette out and put it back in the box. Suddenly he threw them over the edge. “Smoke isn’t good for babies and pregnant people.”

 

Neil scrunched his eyebrows. He couldn’t drink, couldn’t smoke. Technically he shouldn’t continue playing exy either. “You can’t tell anyone. I’ll lie to Riko. Call him up say I’m not pregnant. Bee can’t know nor coach or Abby or Kevin or any of my old friends. Not the team. Nobody. This is our secret now,” Neil said. 

 

“If you keep Kevin with the foxes I’ll keep you safe,” A.J. said. 

 

“Not me. The baby. If someone finds out I’ll lie, say it isn’t Riko’s and run.”

 

“Tell everyone it’s mine.” 

 

Neil stopped looking at A.J.’s hands and focused on his face. “Why yours? Why would you do that?” 

 

“You kept them all safe by keeping them a secret from Riko. You and that kid deserve better than him as the other father.” 

 

“They might kill you too.”

 

“They can try.” A.J. stood up. “I’ll help you with everything. Keep it a secret, go to doctors appointments.”

 

“You’re giving up your life.”

 

“You’re giving me a reason to.” Neil felt more tears slide out of his eyes. A.J. reached up to his face but didn’t dry the tears. It was too early for pregnancy hormones. Neil knew A.J. knew that too but they both pretended it was their fault anyway. 

 

When the tears dried A.J. told Neil to go to his room. “You can’t go around getting sick now. You want to keep the thing and me to keep it safe. Now let me do that.”

 

Neil smiled a little at that and moved towards the door. “Are you coming down soon? I need to talk to Kevin about some things.”

 

A.J. didn’t say anything and Neil didn’t take it personal. He’d rather be alone than talk to Kevin too. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/143766018@N05/44284843342/in/dateposted-public/)

**

Neil rubbed his stomach once under the too big sweater. Then he slipped his arms further into his sleeves he didn’t want more people seeing his tattoos. 

Neil didn’t knock before entering the room but the cousins didn’t even look up. They got used to Neil barging in on all of them because of Nicky’s training and Kevin’s evening practice. “Where’s Kevin?” 

“Kitchen,” Nicky answered not looking up from the game he was playing with Aaron. “We think he’s trying to drown himself in vodka but he’s not succeeding yet.” 

“Damn it, Kevin!” Neil yelled before walking into the kitchen. A fourth of the bottle was gone and Kevin was still clenching the shot glass. He was sober enough still to not go for the bottle yet. Neil wrenched the glass out of his fingers and put it far away with the bottle. “Kevin, listen to me, you will not fuck this up.” Neil pitched his voice a little lower so the other room wouldn’t hear him. “It’s me, Ducky, Nat, Abram. It’s me. I can show you the ugly tattoos but I need you to not tell anyone. A.J. figured it out with the three. Just like you did. Allison knows because she helped me out with my escape but I need you to stay sober enough to keep my secrets. 

“Abby, your dad and Betsy know that I am trans and we’re rolling with it. All I need to know if I can still trust my big brother. I only told you those little truths because I thought I could trust you.” 

Kevin began sobbing. Okay so maybe not totally sober. “You trust me? Even after I left Mia and Jean there?”

“Did I do anything else?” Neil whispered. “I left all of you. I felt so locked up in my body and the nest that I’d rather run all over the world than stay with my family.” 

Neil didn’t regret it. He knew what he had to do. Was prepared to not only kill himself but Riko in the process. If only he’d pulled through and his whole family would’ve been safer for it. Starting college without Riko must’ve been a dream to Mia and Jean. Kevin would’ve mourned. Mourned with the person Neil used to be. Crying for a boy who could’ve been. A boy that almost was. 

They failed that boy and he became cruel and lonely and broke every ally he ever had. Neil couldn’t feel sorry for him anymore. Neil was sorry for the boy he had met when they just started exy. When they didn’t even know what love was. 

In another world they would’ve known. Neil would’ve taken Riko with him and together they’d have run around the world and been happy. Friends, maybe lovers, but they would be together without hurt. 

Now Neil couldn’t think of seeing Riko without wanting to puke his guts out. 

Neil took slowly walked towards Kevin and wrapped his arms around his middle. Kevin could still be safe. Could still be himself. Kevin wrapped his own arms around Neil’s shoulders and slowly they sank to the ground against the wall. They were curled up in each other’s warmth and wouldn’t leave. 

They would get through this together.  All the betrayal and hurt. They would fit together again. Maybe not today or tomorrow but one day they would be a real family again. 

A real family of two brothers, a baby and an adoptive father. Neil couldn’t forget the kid in his stomach and how A.J. had promised to protect it. They family may have changed from what it used to be but it was a family nonetheless. 


	7. Doctor dancing queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter for today will resume tomorrow. everything is finished but ill only have 3 hours of sleep before work tomorrow and i can already feel the headache

Practice with A.J. back was something different entirely. He stood in the goal but didn’t do a thing to actually train unless they were in the weight room. Seth kept yelling at him for having missed most of summer practices and the games were coming up too soon. 

 

A.J. had gone for his knives one to many times and Neil had had to remind him he couldn’t fulfill his promises from behind bars. At those moments A.J. would look at him, close his eyes and stop threatening people. Nobody had ever seen the short blond calm down so quickly and they almost became worried. Until A.J. pinched Neil almost hard enough to bleed when he repeated it one too many times. 

 

They only had a week left before school started again. “I can’t stay by your side and hold your hand, Josten,” A.J. said. 

 

Neil nodded. He had known that. They’d also figured out that if Neil would be getting morning sickness it would be in two weeks. They had two weeks to come up with an explanation for Abby and Matt and Seth and everyone else who noticed as to why he would keep puking his guts out. 

 

They both preferred it if Neil wouldn’t have morning sickness but pregnancy symptoms weren’t something you could pick and choose. 

 

“I can go to class without getting myself killed. They’d have to get me out of the crowd first.”

 

“Coach is making the team drag you from one class to the other.” A.J. laid down on his back. His fingers twitched. Not smoking didn’t get easier within two weeks and Neil often found him patting down his pockets for a pack that wasn’t there anymore. “You won’t be alone for at least the first week. Maybe skip the team jacket tomorrow and only wear it on game day.” 

 

Neil nodded. He wasn’t planning on wearing the bright orange wind jacket either way. Team spirit be damned. 

 

It would feel too much like rock bottom either way. Neil knew the team had little chance of winning the game on Friday. If he’d stayed all those years ago he would’ve won for sure. The ravens had never lost a game. They were the best team in the country for a reason. 

 

Neil pulled out a bag of lollipops from his backpack. “These are for you. To help with the cravings.” 

 

A.J. looked at them for a minute before accepting the bag and pulling one out. He didn’t thank him. “Truth for a truth?” he asked. 

 

Neil nodded. “You first.”

 

“Why didn’t you run to your parents?” 

 

Neil flinched. A.J. went right for the throat. “They weren’t an option. My dad was the one to send me there. My mom has to obey him.

 

“When I was still living with my parents he used to beat me up, try and drown me in the bathtub but he never pulled through. I never did die. I was, well am now, a breeding horse. The moment I was born as a girl I became this prized possession. He wanted to sell me to the highest bidder. The daughter of the butcher of Baltimore, she must get messed up kids. 

 

“My father works for the Moriyamas. They were the one to buy me in the end. I was sent to the ravens to learn Japanese and exy. They let me pretend I was normal. Once a week I had to return to Baltimore for lessons with knives and guns and how to protect myself. It’s why I wear all those weapons. They’re a part of me now. Without them I’m naked. 

 

“I didn’t run to my father and mother because they had never tried to save me before. They would just send me back. Tell me to be a good girl. My mother always said good girls have it easier. I knew my only options were my uncle and his crime family or being alone. Tried it both and my uncle was the better option. Being alone brought me right to Riko’s hands.”

 

A.J. hummed around the lollipop. It was cherry flavored. Neil never did like them. They were too sweet. “Ask me.”

 

“You don’t like your family.”

 

“Not a question.”

 

“I wasn’t finished. You don’t like your family, why would you stay with them?”

 

“I made a deal with Aaron.”

 

Neil turned on his side to look at A.J. The short man didn’t elaborate. Maybe for another question. 

 

“And Nicky?”

 

“Nicky was the first person to choose me. He didn’t leave me so I won’t leave him.”

 

It was Neil’s turn to hum. “Your turn.”

 

“No.” Neil could hear A.J. biting the lollipop into pieces. After a short while. “Stop staring.”

 

Neil hummed again. He didn’t want to stop staring. He wanted to count the freckles on A.J.’s nose. He wanted to know how A.J. looked with Neil’s glasses on his face. How he looked when he didn’t do his hair and maybe when he just woke up in the morning. All soft and no sharp angles. 

 

Neil had never wanted to wake up next to someone but he didn’t think it a bad thought. If A.J. was willing to share something so personal and take Neil’s truths in return to keep. If they could share one more personal thing, that wouldn’t be so bad. Neil would gladly share that moment with A.J. 

 

A.J. turned to Neil. His eyes were lighter in the afternoon sun. His lashes were long and Neil knew Allison would kill to have them for herself. Slowly A.J. reached out. He gave Neil the time to pull away. He didn’t. He trusted A.J. with that small touch. A.J.’s small touches hadn’t hurt yet. 

 

A.J. pushed Neil’s face away, eyes to the sky. He didn’t tell Neil to stop staring again and Neil didn’t tell A.J. to stop either. 

 

They could be quiet and soft in this moment. Just in this moment. Just together. 

 

They didn’t get up when their phones chimed. Nor when A.J. finished the lollipop. They stayed there until Neil started getting cold and sat up. Every moment had to end. They had already stretched this one past its limit but maybe one day they could come back to this moment and live it all over again. Yes. That sounded nice. Very nice. 

 

**

 

The first morning of school was supposed to be peaceful. Busy but okay. Neil never expected A.J. to almost go mad. 

 

For half the team it was too early to think about working out. For Neil who had already had coffee and breakfast and was gearing up for his usual morning run it was only to early for weights. It was always too early for weights. Even if he needed them. They sucked. 

 

Wymack was called on his phone and disappeared for a while before calling A.J. outside. Everyone could hear Wymack yelling why A.J. had a cop there for him. He was just off his medication. He couldn’t be getting in trouble already. 

 

A.J. was quiet and Neil walked from the treadmill closer to the door. He drank some water and wiped sweat of his forehead when the door opened again. 

 

“Neil,” Wymack said. “Can you come with me for a minute?” 

 

Neil’s heart started racing and his fingers held tight to the skin over his tattoos. He wore sweat bands over the ones on his wrists. He walked through the door opening, past Wymack, towards A.J. and some big, middle-aged man. His stomach was half as big as A.J. was tall. 

 

“What’s up coach? I don’t think I broke any bones or laws in the past couple of weeks. What am I doing here with a cop?” His training be damned. If someone thought they could arrest A.J. or himself they would get hell. 

 

“Neil,” A.J. said grabbing his attention. “If you could get him convicted for what he did to you, would you?” 

 

He thought about it. Weighed down the options of A.J. meaning Riko over Nathan. He thought about the truths A.J. had given him about his name and his family. “I loved him,” Neil said. “But nobody should get away with it.” 

 

A.J. nodded. “It wasn’t Richard. He’s a good man. You should look into Drake instead. Now if you can all excuse me I’m going to down Kevin’s vodka before school starts.” A.J. Nodded once towards Neil before turning to the locker room and disappearing inside. 

 

Neil didn’t listen as the cop, introduced as Higgins, said thank you and goodbye. He didn’t answer the question when coach asked what just happened. 

 

“We all have reasons why we are foxes. Some of us just have more than others. I know for a fact Abby told you some of mine. It’s why my protective gear is a little more feminine, is it not?” 

 

“Yes and I kept that quiet because Abby said you wanted that. Sessions with Bee going well?”

 

“Are you really that interested, Coach?” Neil shifted his arms. “I thought you didn’t meddle in everyone’s personal lives.”

 

“I meddle when it affects the game.” Coach took a step forward and Neil took a step back. Just out of arm's reach. “This thing with A.J. is meddlesome. The reason why you got new gear, meddlesome. The thing between A.J. and you. I’m not sure if it’s as bad a thing as you want us all to believe. As long as there’s no grandpa Wymack any time soon.” 

 

“Repeat that statement to anyone else,” Neil started fiddling with the hem of his shirt, “and your own girlfriend will have to stitch you up.” Neil didn’t wait to hear Wymack splutter before walking back into the weight room. He detoured to Aaron. 

 

“Pig Higgins came to visit. I think you know more and I want you to tell me.” Neil grabbed one of the 10 kg biceps weights and started with it. Oh, he was right. Every morning he hated the things more and more. 

 

Aaron glared at Neil and kept his mouth shut. His face paler than normal. 

 

“Wasn’t Higgins the one who-” Nicky broke off. 

 

“Yes, he’s the one who told me I had a brother. Look we weren’t raised together. I stayed with mom and A.J. was stuck in the system. He came to live with me and mom. Shortly after she died, and Nicky comes back from Germany to take care off us. I’m sure you’ve heard about Erik during practice.”

 

Neil nodded. This was new information but he should’ve known. He knew A.J. was a foster kid. He knew Nicky came to take care of the twins when their mom died. He should’ve guessed it was something like this. 

“Yeah, I heard about Erik. If we make it to nationals we can have him flown over. I have money. If I look nicely at Allison she might chip in or Matt.”

“Don’t sell me out,” Matt and Allison yelled at the same time. 

“I’m not a bank,” Allison said. “If we make it there sure we can have half the world flown over. Your uncle pays himself, he’s rich. But Dan’s stage sisters and Renee’s mom should also come.” 

Neil nodded at her. If they kept training like they were, they might make it past regular season. Seth would have to get his shit together and Nicky was still not getting there but they might have a chance. A chance without Neil. 

He hadn’t told A.J. yet. He was planning to call his uncle. Stuart would know what to do. Would know how to get Neil out of all of this and save somewhere far away from Riko. Maybe even all the way in England but A.J. Neil would break their deal. 

He’d understand Neil was sure of it. It kept Neil save and in that way A.J. kept his end of the deal, didn’t he?

He didn’t want to break a deal with A.J. not when everyone seemed to break them all the time. He wanted to keep his deal. He wanted to keep A.J. He couldn’t. He knew that from the start but never Neil had thought that he’d want to stay for anyone other than Kevin. 

Neil turned back to the weight room. He was done for today. He ignored Seth’s objections that they’d never get that far in the season and walked out.

He was a lie within a lie within a lie within a lie. The foxes deserved better. A.J. deserved better. Neil punched the wall in the locker room. He got put in the system without his brother. His mother only wanted one baby. 

Neil wrapped his arms around his stomach. Not his baby. He might not want to be pregnant but he would never let that baby feel unwanted. 

If none of the foxes could’ve had better lives at least Neil’s little thing could. He’d make sure of it. 

**

Neil shuffled behind A.J. into the clinic. Everything was pink, blue and white. There was a whole wall dedicated to baby cards.

A.J. pushed Neil closer to the desk. “I’m Joseph and this is Abram. We’re here for our appointment.” 

The nurse behind the desk was a plump lady with dark red dreadlocks falling out of a headband. “Ah yes, I see. Doctor Queen will come for you soon.” 

Neil gave her a weak smile and walked to one of the chairs. A.J. didn’t sit down but didn’t wander off either. He crossed his arms and stayed close to Neil. 

“How’d you get Abram?” Neil asked quietly. 

“Kevin.”

“Does he know?”

“No.”

“Joseph?”

“J.”

Neil nodded. He looked at another wall with pamphlets. One of them was all about sporting while pregnant, another was about food and giving birth. Oh god, giving birth. Neil didn’t think he’d be able to do that or breastfeed. He would need three weeks with Bee to help himself out of that hole. 

A.J. noticed the staring and handed Neil two pamphlets. The one about sport and the one about his diet. “Your five meal plan is falling through,” he teased. 

Neil glared before smiling. A.J. was handling this better than he ever could. 

Neil flinched when A.J. kicked his shin. “Stop worrying. That’s my job. You just stay alive.” 

Neil nodded. “Yes. Of course. Just stay alive.” He took a deep breath. “I’m thinking of calling my uncle. It’s not like I don’t believe you’ll do anything to protect me but he is cruel. I don’t want you to have to choose between me and your family. If something happens I want my uncle to protect not just me but you also.”

“I don’t need protection,” A.J. sneered. 

“Against a group of killing mercenaries, you might. You protect me, I protect you. Deals go two ways. I’d have stayed for Kevin either way.” A.J. looked away. Neil wanted to say more. Wanted to say that he’d stay for A.J. too. At the same time he was scared that might be too much for him. If he locked up again he might not want to help Neil out anymore. 

Just as Neil opened his mouth a doctor walked in. “Joseph and Abram? Hi.” 

Neil took her hand and tried not to wipe his hand against his jeans right after. A.J. refuses her hand. “My name is doctor Queen. If you could just follow me.” 

The doctor was a short woman. Inside the office she asked them to do another test and to estimate how long they thought they were pregnant before she would do an internal echo. 

By that point Neil was ready to run out. His nerves were fried. Every inch reminded him that he was born female, that he was carrying a baby, a child, a human was growing inside of him. 

The doctor congratulated them during and after the echo and again when they were leaving the office. She told them to take as many flyers as they wanted and gave them a list of recommended books. She would tell them some more the next time. 

Neil didn’t break down until they reached the cars. He couldn’t handle driving. Not right now. A.J. beeped the car open. Neil stepped away from it. “I don’t want to drive,” he said. 

A.J. nodded and closed the car. “Follow me.” 

He started walking in some random direction and Neil couldn’t do anything but follow. They walked close to ten minutes before A.J. stopped in front of a cafe. It was all light pinks and beige. It seemed cute. A.J. and his all black attire stood out like a sore thumb but when they walked in the staff seemed to know him. 

“Brought a different date today?” One of the bartenders asked. “Where’s Renee?”

A.J. shrugged. “She has other friends. I’m here with Neil. He’s never been here and doesn’t likes sweets. Coffee isn’t good for him so black tea with milk and lemon meringue or carrot cake.”

“Cake,” Neil said. “I can order for myself.” He looked around. His nerves were already fried and the cafe vaguely reminded him of the one he used to visit with Riko but this would be different he promised himself. This time I’m weaponed. This time I’m with someone who wouldn’t hurt me. 

Neil toyed with his cake as they sat down and sipped his tea. Who knew if A.J. would hurt him? How well did Neil know him? Neil had thought he knew Riko too. Turns out Neil had been wrong. 

But he wasn’t wrong about A.J. Neil thought when he noticed the face the smaller man made at his chocolate cake. Eyes closed, face content instead of blank. He almost seemed happy. It made Neil happy in return. 

Neil took his first bite of the carrot cake and hummed. It was good, real good and so far outside of his diet which he would have to wreck either way. 

Neil marveled at the way A.J. scarfed down his cake and wished they could do this every day. The nasty reminder came no less than five minutes later. 

**|| Riko: I asked the doctor for advice. I want a log of your period. Next time you will be pregnant.**


	8. Three things can not be hidden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here are the other chapters of the story. Have fun!

“The sun, the moon, the truth,” Neil whispered. It was something Buddhist. Neil had picked it up during his panic attacks in England. Uncle Stuart had thought it to him. 

 

He never thought he’d need it at Palmetto but he whispered it as he wrapped his palms in gauze. He clenched his hand as to stop reaching for his stomach all the time. It was too early to develop such tells and it made people look at him strangely. 

 

The gauze was a deal with coach and Abby. They wouldn’t bench him for it if he kept the wounds clean and stopped actually causing the wounds. He finished wrapping his left hand and picked up his phone. Three new messages. 

 

**|| A.J. : You can’t eat red meat. Don’t forget to pick up lollipops.**

 

**|| Jean: Watch your back. Mia got ill this morning. Nurse says she will be better end of next week.**

 

**|| Riko: Surprising Kevin at Kathy’s tomorrow. Will you watch the show?**

 

**|| Yes.**

 

Neil sent back to Riko. He would be watching. From inside the studio. Coach had vetoed his vote and he would be forced to go anyway. Kevin said the world needed to get to know Neil Josten the striker. 

 

Neil didn’t want the world to know him. He didn’t want the paps to see his face. It was only a matter of time before someone put two and two together. It was time for Neil to come out. For once and for all. **

 

Neil caught up with Allison after his last class. Her orange windbreaker made her stand out just as much as he did. He wrapped an arm around her waist. “Love the heels. I wouldn’t be able to walk with them.”

 

“You wouldn’t want to walk with them, honey,” Allison retorted. 

 

Neil pursed his lips. “You’re right. I wouldn’t want to wear anything out of your closet but it’s better than mine used to be. On the note of my closet it’s time to throw the doors open.”

 

Allison gaped at him and pulled him into the nearest empty hall. “Are you crazy? If  _ he  _ finds you you’ll be dead meat.” 

 

Neil smiled. “I already am. I’ll be in Kathy’s show tomorrow. Kevin already warned me. Apparently being Neil just means Ducky II. He’s forcing me to play a hundred percent of what I used to be. That combined with Kathy’s show is enough for him to figure it out. Time to show the world.”

 

Neil shrugged. He didn’t really think it through but Riko wasn’t stupid. Someone with Neil’s qualities, so close to Kevin. His third Minyard act wouldn’t work on him. 

 

“One good thing, Alli, you are finally allowed to give me that makeover. Full facial and hair. My clothes stay my clothes.” 

 

Allison nodded. “I can work with that. A little shave, long on top. Does this mean you’re going blue again.”

 

Neil nodded again. “All or nothing.” 

 

He wondered how much Kathy would freak out. Should he show of his tattoo too? Would Riko go crazy? Would he hurt Jean? 

 

Would A.J. like the auburn and blue combination on him? Neil hoped so. 

 

**

 

Neil tapped his stick against the ground. He didn’t get first string. As long as Seth was here it didn’t matter if Neil was worlds ahead in technique and talent, Wymack would always put Seth first string. It was his last year at Palmetto after all. 

 

Neil watched as Kevin and Seth exchanged a couple punches. Nicky was right and it wasn’t even the twenty minute mark. Neil wanted to be out there. On the court. He wanted to look back and see A.J. and look next to him and see Kevin. The only thing missing were Mia and Jean. They were playing their own game tonight. Would they be watching the foxes? Would the Ravens want to know how Kevin was doing?

 

If Neil knew Riko he’d say it was a mandatory event. 

 

The clock finally hit twenty and Neil was sent in for Seth. He knocked his stick against Kevin’s before taking up his place. “Hundred percent!” Kevin yelled. Neil rolled his eyes. 

 

“This one is for you, Pinocchio!” A.J. yelled across court. Then Allison threw the ball towards the goalkeeper, Neil began to run before A.J. even hit the ball he knew it would be coming towards him. 

 

Running during a game was a feeling Neil remembered like a dream. But this wasn’t a dream. Neil ran his ten steps before throwing the ball towards Kevin. He almost didn’t have to look. He knew Kevin would be there. 

 

Closer to the goal Neil received the ball again and scored. He hadn’t been on the court for ten minutes. Neil ran towards Kevin to give him a hug. This was what they had dreamt off. Playing together on a court during a real game. 

 

The next time they tried that move Kevin was slammed into a wall by a guy dubbed Gorilla. Neil was glad he wasn’t the one being squashed between the almost 6’ backliner and the wall. 

 

A couple minutes later Matt punched Gorilla and both were out of the game. Matt was swapped with a yellow card. Gorilla may or may not have a concussion but Neil didn’t feel sorry for the backliner. He wished he’d been able to do it himself. 

 

_ Not a backliner _ , he reminded himself. It wasn’t his job to protect either Kevin or A.J. still he wouldn’t object to being placed there. Someday, he told himself. Maybe someday. 

 

Neil was in for the first twenty minutes of the second half and out for the last. They lost 7-9 and Neil was ready to punch his own lights out. A.J. has been out of the game for the whole second half. The difference between talent and skill hadn’t been so glaring to Neil before. It wasn’t even that Renee was a bad goalie, A.J. was that much better. 

 

Neil was ready to punch him too. The slacker could’ve done much better than that. He might have to make another deal about that. 

 

Neil didn’t get why the upperclassmen were so set on celebrating their loss but after his shower he let himself be pulled back to the tower with Matt and Allison. Their reasons were that he had been spending too much time with Nicky and Kevin. They didn’t seem to realize that Nicky’s practice had stopped after the summer. He knew which drills to practice and was welcome to ask Neil for more help. 

 

Neil caught Allison before she took her first shots. “Cut my hair?” he asked. 

 

Her smile was almost blinding as she pulled him to the bathroom of the boys room. She sat him down, left and came back with a bag filled with all kinds of stuff. Scissors, shavers, water bottles. She was like a one woman beauty salon. 

 

Neil sat there for minutes while she washed and cut and did god knows what to his hair. When she finally let him look in the mirror it was soft and shiny. Short on the sides and longer on top. The curls still fell over his forehead. 

 

“Thank you.” It looked even better than when she cut the tips off for his dates with Riko. This felt like a mirror to that moment. Why did he keep trying to improve himself for someone he didn’t want to have anymore. 

 

Allison hugged him before pushing him up. “Go show the others. They’ll have a storm coming tomorrow.” 

 

The others were already good on their way to being drunk. They petted his hair and gave soft hugs. Neil realized he had missed those and that the others wouldn’t hurt him. Well Seth might but Dan and Matt would never. Neil still suspected Renee to have this dark, secret life. A.J. wouldn’t tell him which was as good as a confirmation. 

 

Some day Neil would work up the courage to ask her himself. 


	9. Take these broken wings

They hadn’t slept nearly enough when the alarm already went off. Neil still smelled like hair dye and he went off to the bathroom before either Seth or Matt was fully awake. He popped in the contacts and put on the fake glasses. Soon he wouldn’t need them anymore. Everyone would know who he was. They’d all know his secrets. 

 

How angry would Seth be knowing he’d been in a locker room not just with a  _ fag  _ as he liked to say but with a trans man as well. He would freak out. Good thing that Seth wasn’t coming to the studio. Even if it meant that Allison was staying back too. 

 

They were a couple again this week and it meant Neil had less time with her. He shouldn’t be complaining. Allison didn’t complain about how little time Neil had for her either. Well he’d reckon she’d complain if she knew almost all that time was taken up by A.J. She probably thought he was running around with the monsters. Not just with the main one. 

 

Neil shoved the hood of his sweater over his head before walking out of the door. Matt had already set coffee for them while Neil was busy in the bathroom. Soon he wouldn’t need that much time in the morning. 

 

Just the hair routine Allison gave him, a look into the mirror, brushing his teeth and he’d be done. Five minute contact time spared and added to his time with at least ten for his hair. He didn’t think he’d pull through with doing his hair for longer than a week. 

 

Neil finished his coffee when Matt walked in. “Do you think Seth will ever stop hating me?”

 

Matt chuckled. “Three things, he doesn’t hate you, maybe when you stop hanging out with Allison or when you stop being good at every position in exy.”

 

“I can’t play goalie,” Neil said. “It’s the only position I never trained in. Someone just told me to be a backliner and till a couple years ago I was.” 

 

“You were a backliner?” They pulled on their shoes. 

 

“Yeah. I was pretty good. Played under a different name though so you won’t find my stats.” Matt would know later anyway. It was no use to keep up the small lies now. 

 

“Why a different name?” 

 

“I’ll explain later okay. Remember if we’re not at the bus Wymack is leaving without us.” 

 

Matt locked the door. “He wouldn’t. Aren’t you expected to be in the show.”

 

“Doesn’t matter.” He just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. His dead name was supposed to be just that. Dead. 

 

The only one on the bus who noticed the hoodie was A.J. of course he would. He raised a single eyebrow but continued talking to Nicky. Something about a show on tv or a new game they’d bought. Neil didn’t care.

 

Neil shook his head and took up his seat in the middle of the bus. Half a minute later Kevin came to pull him to the back of the bus. “You flunked media training, you’re staying with me.” 

 

“I was fifteen.” 

 

“That’s why you get to sleep first.” 

 

“Why can’t I sleep on a row of my own?” Kevin scowled at him for that. “Okay, baby,” Neil scoffed. “I’ll hold your hand while you fall asleep. Feel better already.”

 

“No! If you talk to Kathy like that-”

 

“I’ll make it my persona.” Neil smiled a perfect copy of Kevin’s media smile. “Like yours.” 

 

Neil raised his eyebrows for a while before he sat down in the row in front of A.J. Kevin sat down one row in front of Neil. “We’ll talk about your transgressions later.”

 

“You’re not my dad,” Neil bit back. It was something he’d picked up from being around Seth and Allison but Kevin blanched. 

 

“I don’t ever want to be compared to that man.” Kevin sank down in his seat and tried to go to sleep. 

 

Neil looked up when A.J. softly pulled his hood. “How much does he know about your parents?” 

 

“More than most,” Neil said. “I met Kevin when I was nine, almost ten.” 

 

A.J. nodded before he sank down in his seat. 

 

Coach woke them up when they got close to Kathy. Neil never was a heavy sleeper and it seemed A.J. wasn’t either. The moment he woke up it was with a kick to Neil’s chair. Neil would complain if he hadn’t first had gotten an explanation for the reflex. 

 

Neil turned around in his seat. He was dead set on ignoring Kevin who sat down in the seat next to him. “A.J., tell Kevin to leave me alone.”

 

A.J. scoffed. 

 

“See he understands.” 

 

A.J. scoffed again. Neil felt eyes in his back. He didn’t want to turn around. The sun was slowly coming up and anyone who looked well enough would see the auburn wisps of his hair. His eyebrows were mercifully hidden by his glasses. What a pain it had been to bleach them. How much shit it was to paint them back to their own color. 

 

Neil almost ruined them on purpose before remembering that Allison would kill him for it. 

 

He was glad when the bus stopped. No more weird looks from A.J., no preaching from Kevin on how he shouldn’t antagonize Kathy or any of the crew, no more hiding. 

 

The first thing Neil noticed about Kathy was that she was a cougar. She was one of the people who would be sold out by someone like Riko just for the viewers. 

 

Neil wanted a paycheck for the amount of viewers he was giving her. He wanted to bet Kevin did get paid for this interview. 

 

“Kevin,” Kathy said as she gave him two air kisses. “I have missed you. I think I’m not the only one. Last time we talked about Natalia, is she doing any better? Any news to share with us?”

 

Kevin gave her his media smile. “Yes I’ve heard of her just yesterday. She’s doing well. She might even be coming back to the sport but I think that’s better discussed with Riko.” 

 

“Oh yes, I heard they got engaged.” Kathy seemed way too happy about all of it. When she turned she, finally, spotted Neil. “Neil Josten, did you know that since yesterday you’re the number one striker name searched on the erc site?”

 

“No, but with this face it was to be expected.” Neil gave the best smile he could with his hood still pulled up. 

 

“Josten, pull off your hood,” Coach Wymack said. 

 

“No offense, coach but I dyed my hair yesterday and I kind of want it to be a surprise.” Wymack pursed his lips. 

 

“Is it going to get me into trouble.”

 

“Am not sure yet, Coach.”

 

Wymack nodded. He probably never expected little Neil Josten to have been Natalia Wesninski, then again Neil hadn’t wanted him to know. Still didn’t but he didn’t really have a choice. 

 

Inside the foxes were split from Kevin and Neil. The strikers were led to a dressing room by an assistant. Inside Kevin threw him some clothes from the rack. 

 

“You’re not going on stage in that hoodie. Is it Matt’s?” 

 

“Might be Nicky’s,” Neil said. “And I never planned on going on stage in it. I just had to keep my hair under wraps like I told Wymack. There’s an unpleasant surprise waiting for you and this is supposed to take the pressure off.” Neil pulled the sweatshirt over his head and looked Kevin in the eyes. “Today the world is going to get to know Neil Josten. The new and improved version of someone he never wanted to be.” 

 

“New and improved,” Kevin chuckled. “You’ve always been Neil, you just went by a different name.” Kevin looked incredibly smug about it. 

 

“I’m not gonna cry, you ass,” Neil said punching Kevin’s arm. “I may be a mess but I’m better than that.” 

 

Neil noticed the looks from the makeup squad but without his blue eyes they didn’t put two and two together. Besides how many people would still remember the timid little girl. It wasn’t like he was a daughter or son of exy. He had been a best friend to them. 

 

Neil had to wait on the side of the stage before he was let on. He had skipped the suit jacket but wore the grey shirt and black pants. Allison would find him delectable. Then she’d punch him for changing into his own clothes later. She was one strong, violent woman. That must be why she chose exy. 

 

He hung his glasses on the chain around his neck and plucked out the contacts. The assistant looked at him strangely before urging him into stage. Neil must’ve missed his cue. 

 

The moment Neil walked out into the lights Kathy’s mouth fell open. Kevin was a bit pale but overall smiling. It calmed Neil down, if only a little. 

 

Kathy grabbed his hand and pulled Neil in for a hug and kissed both his cheeks. He was sure there must be a stain on them. “Am I seeing it wrong or did the two of you keep a secret from me?” Kathy turned Neil and herself towards the audience. “Ladies and gentleman we’ve got Natalia Wesninski in the studio.” 

 

Neil scraped his throat. “My name is Neil Josten. I’m sure that’s on your cards. It’s my legal name and I hope you’ll use it.” 

 

Neil gave a small smile before sitting next to Kevin. “Well, why did you decide to go by Neil Josten? Isn’t that a bit of a boys name?” 

 

Neil was already ready to punch her lights in. “I have a male name because I am in fact a man. The term is transgender. You may look it up.” 

 

Neil didn’t look down and the smile didn’t slip. “Oh well, you like radiant as always. I’m sure this will make my little surprise for Kevin even better since you will surely like it too!” 

 

“Yes, he actually texted me this morning asking me to watch the show. Guess that this is a surprise for the both of us,” Neil chuckled. 

 

Everyone around him looked shocked. Kathy at the notion that Riko didn’t know that Natalia went by Neil, Kevin and the rest of the foxes at Neil knowing what was going to happen. Well the foxes were still upset at Neil being who he was. Dan had given him a real angry look at the start. He hadn’t been able to discern the look on A.J.’s face before it went blank again. It seemed angry even if he’d known who Neil was almost since the beginning. 

 

The music started. A heavy drumbeat accompanied by the clapping of people in the room. Riko came walking onto the stage. He wore a smirk and a red and black suit. His hair was combed back. 

 

Neil knew what he was supposed to feel and do. He should stand up, hug his ‘boyfriend’ and run a hand over his hair or arm or shoulder. Touch him. Want to touch him. 

 

All Neil felt when Riko wrapped his arms around him was dread. Neil wanted to curl into a ball and stay there forever. Grab a pile of blankets and retreat. Maybe a hot shower to wash of Riko’s touch. 

 

Neil wrapped his arms around Riko in return. “You will pay for this,” Riko whispered in his ear. “You shouldn’t have kept this secret.” 

 

Neil let go and smiled before sitting next to Kevin again. When Kevin sat down after a lengthy hug Neil pressed their thighs together. They were in this together. Kevin had to understand. Neil was doing all of this for him. 

 

Neil let Kathy lead the conversation for a while before he pushed his sleeves up. The three on his arm was in full sight. “Oh my god, is that your number? Are you officially a part of the perfect court now, Natalia, I mean, Neil?”

 

Neil smiled and looked down. He had to play this right. “There’s a little secret I should let you in on. As you know I’ve been in a special clinic for a real long time. I’ve tried to stay in contact with my family from Evermore for as long as I could but while I was trying to get better a lot of things happened and we drifted apart a bit. I even spend a year in Europe.

 

“I’m thrilled to have reconnected with Kevin and Riko. I’ve even been talking to Mia and Jean. Number four and five of the so-called court. I was thinking about returning to Evermore, my family there and everything I left behind but I realized something. 

 

“I realized that if I wanted to really be myself. Be Neil Josten, I mean. Be a man. I couldn’t go back to what I had and who I was back then. With Kevin recuperating with the foxes, I could start over there with part of my family. I would have my brother and be myself. It was a chance the Ravens could never have offered me. I doubt if they’d even give me the spot I would’ve had in the first line years ago. If I stayed there I would’ve been first string. I would’ve been one of the best backliners.

 

“I chose myself and I would do it all over again. Even if it means being second string in a low ranked team. I know for sure that with the foxes skills we’ll be able to pull through to the second half of the season, maybe further. I’d like to see my family on court again. Kevin and I against them, just like a drill, only with real consequences. I think it would be fun to beat them at exy. So in a way the three on my arm stands for what I could’ve had and been but it also stands for the new and different relations I build with the foxes.”

 

“Riko, what do you think of that?” Kathy seemed to eat it all up.

 

“I think both of them made a mistake. They could’ve been with their family. The Ravens would’ve accepted Neil and we would be able to be together more. Kevin should’ve stayed home. He should be teaching the ravens all he knows not those useless foxes.”

 

Neil cut him off there. “You forget that I’m one of those useless foxes now. They’ve shown me love and understanding and talent and motivation. They can do it. Besides cutting Kevin off before he can even try at being who he used to be seems like a low blow. Are you so sure you wouldn’t be able to win? I think you’re realizing that with a little more time the foxes will be able to beat you. 

 

“Did you know you sound like a broken record? Asking Kev and I to come back to Evermore when we made a new home at Palmetto. It sounds like Christmas break all over again. You nagging that Kevin was getting better than you. Afraid you wouldn’t be number one anymore. Maybe this is why I’m not coming back to you. Today or in the future.” 

 

Kathy’s eyes widened even more before rushing her speech about commercials. Neil ignored her when she tried to thank him for coming. He dragged Kevin away by his hand. 

 

Not fast enough. Neil was shoved face first into a wall. “How funny,” Riko whispered in his ear. Hot breath against his face. “My little Kitsune turned into a real fox. Can’t say it’s a surprise.” 

 

Neil’s breath hitched. He felt Riko’s hands everywhere. His hands skimmed along the sheaths and over the tattoos. “We might have to touch them up next time,” Riko said. “They’re getting a bit faded.” 

 

Riko attached his lips to Neil’s neck before he bit down. “Show those little foxes who you belong to, okay? You’re still a Raven. Still mine.” 

 

Neil gulped and closed his eyes shut. Think about something else. Matt’s hugs, Allison’s shopping trips, Nicky’s bickering about his tv shows. 

 

Suddenly Riko was away. Neil took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He was pressed against the wall inches from Neil with A.J. in front of him. Neil saw the glimmer of a knife and choose not to comment. 

 

“Didn’t anyone tell you, king,” A.J. mocked.  “I don’t like it when people touch my things. Neil is on my team, closed a deal with me. He is one of mine. Don’t touch him.” 

 

A.J. looked to Neil and moved his head towards the door. Silent orders. “I’m sorry, Riko,” Neil said. “I just can’t be with you anymore.” 

 

Neil ran out before he could hear Riko or A.J. say anything else. 

 

Nobody commented when Neil came back pale as a ghost, clinging to his sides like they contained secrets. He didn’t even notice that his nails raked his sides open. The team gaped at his tattoos. 

 

“There were rumors,” Matt said. “I didn’t really think he’d put his mark all over you.” 

 

“So much the public doesn’t see,” Neil said. “So much he doesn’t want you to see. A fourteen year old with tattoos, a transgender exy player, the truth of broken hands and arms and crashed cars that may or may not have been entirely my fault.” 

 

Neil took a deep breath and stopped scratching. “My name is Neil Josten and if anyone has any problems having me on the team say it now. I can still call my uncle to ship me off to Europe.”

 

“You signed a contract, Josten,” Wymack said. “You’re not going anywhere. Just wished you could’ve told us a little before the show.”

 

Neil nodded. He wasn’t able to say thank you. He wasn’t able to say anything anymore. He wanted to curl up and fall asleep somewhere far away from the studio. 

 

He was happy when A.J. finally arrived so they could leave. He was happy when they boarded the bus. He was happy when he curled up on the last bench with just a couple inch between A.J. and him and none of the team commented on it. At least not until he fell asleep. 


	10. As long as someone bleeds

A.J. woke Neil up close to campus. Neil was herded towards the front seat of the monsters car. 

 

“Neil, you want to drive with us, bro?” Matt yelled after him. 

 

A.J. turned around. “He drives with us, Boyd. Family sticks together and all that.” He saluted the upperclassmen and pushed Neil closer to the car. 

 

“They’re my team too,” Neil objected. “They may want to know stuff?” 

 

“They can ask when we get back from Columbia tomorrow. Gotta take you out these next few months.” 

 

Neil narrowed his eyes at A.J. He was tempted to pull him close but that wouldn’t go over well. “Don’t say that out loud again. Only on the roof.”

 

“Deal,” A.J. smirked before going to his own side of the car. 

 

A.J. hadn’t let Neil out of his sight until he walked into his own dorm. Neil wished he hadn’t. Allison was sat on Seth’s lap in what seemed to be just a shirt and her string. He prayed to a god he didn’t believe in to forget the sight. 

 

“Hey, honey, how did it go?” Allison asked. She stood up not caring what anyone saw and hugged Neil. Only when she let go she went to put on her skirt. 

 

“Good now that you’ve put on some clothes.” Allison raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow before sitting down in Seth’s lap again. Seth seemed this weird combination of pissed off and relaxed. Pissed that Allison went to hug Neil and glad that she came back. 

 

“Give me the details. How much did mr. fiancé freak out?” 

 

“Neil just told America that he left Riko and won’t be going back,” Matt piped in. 

 

Neil blanched. 

 

“Wait Riko?” Seth asked. “The guy is gay? He was dating that hot chick right? The Wesninski one. Didn’t you know her, Alli?”

 

“I do. We still talk a lot.” Allison looked at Neil before looking back at Seth. A quiet do you really want him to know. No but there was no way out. 

 

Neil didn’t have to think about it in the end. Matt told Seth for him. “Bro, Neil is Natalia Wesninski or was. I’m pretty sure he got a legal name change.” He looked at Neil for confirmation. Neil nodded. “So he wasn’t just the best backliner his age, he’s also a pretty awesome striker now.”

 

“You’re just skipping over the fact that we’ve been changing with a chick this whole time? That she could just as well be a raven spy! Wymack should kick her off the team.”

 

“Wymack said he’d be doing no such thing. Neil is part of the team,” Dan said. 

 

“Coach already knew,” Neil said. “Abby, Bee and him know I’m trans. I want to transition some day. Besides, you and me, seem to be the only ones having problems with my body. If you really think it would be a problem let me tell you something. I don’t swing. I wouldn’t want to kiss anyone in this room, especially not you.”

 

“What about your fiancé?”

 

“Ex-fiancé. Broke up with him on live television while he didn’t even know I’d be there.”

 

“So we’re to ignore that you’re a girl?”

 

“One, I’m not a girl. I’m a boy, I mean man, born in a female body. So ignore my body while I do the same.” 

 

Seth stood up and stormed out the door. He left the door open and Neil saw Nicky standing on the other side. He raised both hands. “I swear I was just about to knock. I was just getting Neil. Exy stuff. Kevin asked for him.”

 

Neil raised an eyebrow but did follow Nicky. If Kevin wanted him to be near, wouldn’t he have texted or pulled him after him to the monsters room? He would ask when he saw him. 

 

“So about the tattoo and relationships,” Nicky began. “Any reason for the number three?”

 

“It was supposed to be mine,” Neil said. “In a way your cousin robbed me of what was mine but that’s another team and another time. I want to leave that person behind. It’s why I’m not a backliner anymore.” 

 

“Okay okay. You know,” Nicky said wrapping an arm around Neil’s shoulder, “I feel cheated. You kept those pretty blue eyes hidden for all of us. Wait did Kevin know?” 

 

Neil nodded. “Allison knows from the clinic, A.J. figured it out too. Coach, Abby and Bee only knew I’m trans but that shouldn’t be such a big issue.” 

 

“It isn’t. I’m gay. Like a hundred percent only guys gay and I’d tap your ass.”

 

Neil pulled away from Nicky. “Please never say that again. I’d stab you if I didn’t know you better. What did Kevin want.”

 

“Oh not Kevin, A.J. I just wanted to be the first to ask. He didn’t say where he went. He said you’d know.” Nicky was wide eyed and almost cowering. Like Neil would shoot him without warning. Well, Neil had warned him. 

 

Neil pursed his lips. “Yeah, I know. I’ll see you later okay.” 

 

He almost ran to the stairs. Didn’t Nicky know what happened to A.J.? Didn’t he know that he shouldn’t make rape jokes. To Neil or A.J. or anyone for that matter. 

 

After Nicky’s own traumas Neil thought he’d understand but there wasn’t anything to understand. Neil would never understand Nicky’s conversion therapy traumas. Nicky would never understand A.J.’s bad childhood or Neil’s abuse. They couldn’t understand each other. But maybe with time they would be able to avoid each other’s triggers. Some day. 

 

Neil sat down on the ledge next to A.J. “Try not to fall,” he whispered. 

 

“I wouldn’t leave you like that,” A.J. whispered back. 

 

“Gotta go out with a bang.”

 

“Let’s take out Riko with a bang.”

 

Neil looked at A.J. the sun was right over their head and A.J.’s hair wasn’t turning golden or almost see through in the light. It was a bit yellow and his eyes weren’t something molten gold, they were just hazel. And it was just A.J. Just Neil’s friend. A partner in a way. 

 

“Remember how I said I don’t swing,” Neil said. 

 

“The first day you were here,” A.J. stated. 

 

“I don’t swing but I really want to kiss you.” 

 

“Why don’t you?” 

 

Neil smiled a little, his eyes squinting a bit. “I haven’t asked if you want me to yet.”

 

A.J. leans closer. His eyes flicked between Neil’s eyes and his lips. “Yes or no?”

 

“Yes,” Neil said before leaning forward. He sat on top of his hands and welcomed the biting of A.J’s lips. 

 

A.J. framed his face with his hands and Neil had never felt as safe. A.J. was everywhere in scent, touch and sound. They were alone on the ledge. Alone on the roof. Alone in the world. Alone but together. 

 

Neil was gasping when A.J. pulled away. “Thank you.”

 

“For what?” A.J. squinted his eyes. 

 

“For making it good. For being amazing.” 

 

A.J. pushed him away, face blank. No sign at all showed that Neil and him had just been kissing. “Go. I don’t want to see your ugly face.” 

 

Neil stood up. “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong or made you feel forced. I’ll be with Kevin.” 

 

Neil turned and walked away. This had been a bad idea. There was a reason why he had never wanted to kiss people. It might’ve felt good with A.J. but in the end someone always got hurt. 

 

Never had Neil planned to hurt A.J. 

 

Neil was almost surprised when he was still allowed to come to Columbia with them. He still got clothes that A.J. bought him even if he was relegated to a back seat. Flush in the middle between Aaron and Nicky. Nicky kept chattering everyone’s ears off and A.J. replied to every topic even if just to antagonize his cousin. 

 

It almost seemed like they liked each other. Neil had heard other things from A.J. but if he listened to them like this he’d never believe he didn’t like his cousin. The first person to choose him. 

 

Neil still didn’t like ice cream and he didn’t trust Roland. A.J. ordered Neil a closed water bottle in return for his trust. Of course it would be water. Neil couldn’t drink or do drugs while pregnant and A.J. did promise to protect the baby. 

 

When the first round of drinks were up A.J. started noticing that Neil kept a little more distance. Next time they went to get drinks A.J. pulled him off to an alcove first. 

 

“What is going on? Is Riko harassing you? Are the upperclassmen transphobic?” 

 

Neil shook his head. “Nothing is going on. I haven’t heard from Riko yet. Only Seth is but he’s an asshole anyway.”

 

“Then, why are you scuttling around like some scared animal.” 

 

Neil wrung his hands. “I just didn’t know if I should say sorry again for this afternoon. I did want to kiss you but I didn’t want you to feel forced or anything.” 

 

“Forced.” A.J. crowded Neil to the wall. His back hit it and A.J. kept coming closer. “Didn’t I ask you to kiss me. Just because I didn’t want to see you after doesn’t mean I didn’t want to kiss you too.”

 

Neil gulped. “So I didn’t force you?”

 

“In no way did you, Neil Josten, force me, A.J. Minyard, to kiss you.” His eyes flickered down Neil’s face before pinning Neil. “Yes or no?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Good, Don’t touch me.” 

 

Neil shoved his hands in his pockets and leant forward a little. A.J. pulled Neil down a little by his collar and kissed him like he was oxygen. Neil would never get enough of this. 

 

After only a couple of minutes A.J. pulled away. He pecked Neil’s lips when he followed. “Next time you think something stupid you should just tell me. Save us both the trouble.” 

 

Neil smirked. “But the end result is so satisfying.” 

 

A.J. pushed him back against the wall and shook his head. He needed a drink if he’d put up with Neil like this. 

 

Neil was still on a high from kissing A.J. when they got a call later that night.  Overdose, Seth’s. Everyone’s voices filtered to background noise as they walked into the house. 

 

“Neil,” A.J. called to get his attention. “This is not your fault. Riko is just a petulant child.” 

 

“Allison loved Seth,” Neil said. “She loved the prick. He shouldn’t have died because I insulted Riko.” 

 

“You didn’t kill the guy. It’s not your fault. Besides Seth overdoses every so many times. It was time for it to happen again.”

 

Neil shook his head. Death wasn’t anything new to him. Letting Allison down was. His fault. 

 

A.J. shook his head and held his hand out. After a minute Neil held his own up. A key was dropped in his hand. “Mine?”

 

“Yes, junkie. Congratulations. You’ve got a key now.”

 

Neil closed his hand around it. He knew A.J. wouldn’t want to hear a thank you so he didn’t say it. 

 

**

 

“I did love him, Neil,” Allison said as she clung to his waist. The monsters were staying at the stadium, the upperclassmen at Abby’s. Neil was once again relegated to coach’s apartment but he might fall asleep next to Allison either way. 

 

“I know he could be an asshole but he was there for me with my parents and everything. I never wanted to fight with him. I knew he’d turn to drugs.” 

 

“It isn’t your fault,” Neil said. He stroked her hair. “If it’s anyone’s fault it’s either Riko or me. I shouldn’t have fought with him. I should’ve gotten along with the programme.”

 

“You shouldn’t. Promise me, Neil. Whatever happens, don’t go back to Riko. You deserve so much better.”

 

I really don’t, Neil thought. He held her in his arms till she fell asleep and shortly after he did too. 

 

By Friday’s game it had been four days since Neil had seen A.J. He felt selfish for wishing to kiss him when Allison lost the boy she loved. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to like someone. 

 

The couches were shoved in different directions. On both sides of the cousins couch there were now chairs. To the left of A.J. was an open spot. 

 

Neil didn’t think it over too much. He squeezed Allison’s arm and went over to the open spot. Aaron sat in the chair on his left. “Should I feel honored you saved me a seat.” 

 

“You can always sit on the floor,” A.J. replied. “Keep my feet warm like a loyal dog.” 

 

“I’m not a pet anymore,” Neil sulked.

 

“Not a dog no, maybe a cat. The young, annoying kind.” 

 

Neil chuckled. “As long as I never have to be a dog again.” 

 

**

 

The game had gone well. Allison was officially the strongest woman Neil had ever met and Neil had knocked a backliner of his feet. 5’3 against six even. Neil wasn’t the only one surprised when it succeeded. 

 

The press certainly was. They kept calling for his birth name. Only one time someone called for him with his chosen name. “Neil Josten, why did you attack Jeffreys?”

 

Neil smiled his father’s smile. The edges razor sharp and ready to kill. “He dead named me. I may be the same person but I’m a man named Neil Josten. I won’t respect anyone who dead names me. Besides he called me a princess. How wrong that is. I wasn’t Riko’s princess. He may be the king of the court but I’ll be the god he bows down to.” 

 

Neil pointed to another reporter. “When did you decide you were a boy?”

 

“I was eight, my parents didn’t approve. If nobody is going to ask anything about exy I think we’re done over here.” Neil plucked his helmet out of A.J.’s arms. He gave the smaller man a small smile before leading the way to the locker room. 

 

“Is it true you’re in a relationship with Andrew Minyard?” One reporter yelled. 

 

“Neil, does the three stand for Andrew?” 

 

“Neil.” “Neil.” “Neil.”

 

Neil ignored them all. 


	11. Counting cats

Three weeks after Kathy’s show reporters still zeroed in on Neil’s tattoos. It felt like they skipped over Seth’s whole existence. He was scared for the day they would figure out Neil was pregnant. He was already on week six. Not yet getting sick. It was too good to be true. Maybe he wouldn’t have any symptoms. Was that possible?

 

Neil stumbled into his dorm. It wasn’t that late but all the practicing, school and the late evenings with A.J. were taking their toll. Matt was already sitting on the couch so Neil sat down in the chair. He wanted to pull his legs up against his chest. He didn’t. 

 

“Are you okay, buddy?” Matt asked. 

 

Neil broke his stare to the kitchen. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

 

“You just look a bit awkward. Is there something you need of your chest?”

 

Neil looked back to the kitchen instead of Matt and finally pulled up his legs. “I’m a boy. I know I am. Sometimes I just feel like a fraud when I want girly things.”

 

“Girly things?” Matt leaned forward. When had that stopped being threatening? 

 

“Yeah. I mean I’d love to be big and tough with muscles like you but I sort of miss my soft sweaters and shorts like Allison’s. To be honest soft hands weren’t that bad either. It makes me feel like a fraud to like it.” 

 

“Buddy, I don’t know what you think of me but I cry during movies and get pedis with my mom because exy shoes are not good for your feet. There’s no one way of being a man. You’re allowed to like soft things.”

 

“You cry during movies?” 

 

Matt nodded. “All the time. Doesn’t matter who dies. I’m in tears.” He patted the seat next to him. “Want to hug it out?”

 

Neil thought about it. The boys at the net never cuddled. It wasn’t like he’d had a lot of soft people around him in England so they never really hugged him either. 

 

It felt good when A.J. held his hand though. Neil pursed his lips before nodding. “Yes please.”

 

He sat down next to Matt and let the bigger guy wrap an arm around his shoulder while they watched a movie. 

 

If Neil fell asleep half way through Matt didn’t say anything about it. If Neil woke up on the couch in the middle of the night with a blanket he didn’t either. 

 

He fished his phone from the ground where it had dropped. There were two messages. It was probably Nicky. He tended to send messages concerning nothing. 

 

Neil tried to sit up before opening them but it was a bad idea. He had to sprint to the bathroom before he puked all over the carpet. He made it there with the phone still in his hand. 

 

It only took ten minutes for Neil to stop puking and he knew he hadn’t gotten lucky. This was probably the morning sickness he didn’t want or need. 

 

He sat back against the bathtub and opened his phone. Might as well look at those messages before he started puking again. 

 

The messages weren’t from Nicky. Neil shivered against the bathtub. 

 

**|| Riko: Long time no see, Natalia. Do I have to remind you where you belong?**

 

**|| Riko:Tick tock, Kitsune. Time is flying and I don’t think your guard dog will be enough protection.**

 

**|| He’s more protection than you ever offered.**

 

Neil send back. A.J. was all the protection he needed. Besides he had his family. His family. He should tell uncle Stuart. 

 

Neil waited to see if he had to puke some more before dialing his uncle. He should be awake right now. This might be the only time ever that time zones were a good thing.

 

The phone rang three times before uncle Stuart picked up. 

 

“Abram, what’s wrong? You never call.” Stuart sounded scared. Neil wanted to tell him not to be but honestly he’d have every reason too. 

 

“Sorry, I should call more. I needed to tell you there’s a slight problem on this side of the sea.” Neil twisted his left hand in his shirt. He didn’t want to see the scars. 

 

“What’s wrong?” His uncle only sounded more alarmed. Neil felt sorry for pulling him into this mess. Even three years ago he wouldn’t have wished this on his uncle.

 

“I’m pregnant.” Neil paused. Stuart stayed silent on the other end of the line. “It’s Riko’s. I’m six weeks along. I just had my first morning sickness and I think you noticed I called Riko off on television. He started messaging me again. Saying A.J. wouldn’t be enough protection.”

 

“Abram, calm down.”

 

“I don’t want my kid to have the kind of life I had uncle Stuart. A.J. Minyard is the only one to know and if anyone finds out he vouched to say it was his but if Riko finds out I need you to keep him safe. Keep my baby safe.”

 

“Ram-”

 

“No. Promise me, keep them safe. If I have to die to give this kid a good life so be it.”

 

“I can’t leave you to die. I will try my best to keep you safe but you are first priority.” 

 

Neil started crying. He blamed the hormones. “I just want one of us to have a good life.”

 

“You will give the kid a good life, Abram. I have to say I’m not thrilled that you got pregnant in college but I’m sure you didn’t choose too. Just stay safe, okay? Keep me up to date. I’ll send a couple of my man to America to take care of you. Both of you will be fine.”

 

“A.J. too,” Neil said. He had to repay the man somehow. Keeping him alive seemed like a first step.

 

“Midget is third on the list okay. You, baby, teammate. Stay safe, Ram. I’ll talk to you later.”

 

Neil said goodbye to his uncle before hanging up. He did it. He told his uncle. It wasn’t that bad. Not that his uncle could get mad when Neil was technically in danger but still. It was one weight off his shoulders.

 

**

 

“Is something bothering you, Neil? Do the press still call you by your dead name?” Bee asked. Neil looked up from his hands. It was a week since he’d called his uncle. Matt was yet to talk to him about the throwing up. Neil was half scared that Matt would thing he was bulimic. That would get Abby to give him a close look and that was something he could not use. 

 

“Some of the reporters do. Not a lot anymore. Some of the press are on my side. Some want to know why Riko and I broke up. I don’t have it in me to tell them. I don’t like him but telling the whole world he raped me seems like a step too far. They will only pit it against me anyways.” He stood up and wandered around the office. The hot chocolate smelled nice. Maybe with some chocolate marshmallows. “Can I have some?” He asked Bee.

 

She nodded. “You told me you didn’t like sweets.”

 

An open ended statement. She made them more and more often. It prompted Neil to choose what he wanted to say instead of what she wanted to hear about. “I didn’t. I guess exposure to A.J. makes you more inclined to grow your own cavities.”

 

Bee laughed and Neil joined her. “I’ve been hanging out with him sometimes. I don’t know if he talked to you about it. I know you can’t tell me. You can tell him I like hanging out with him. Some days I let him know. Others I hope he remembers. I know he doesn’t always.” 

 

Neil sat down on the couch again. He held the cup of chocolate in his hands and sipped between lines.  He talked some more about A.J. and how that made him feel. Bee and him were trying to reconcile his gender identity with the guilt of liking a boy. Just one. Did that mean he was straight because of his female body, was he gay?

 

Bee had given him websites and some things seemed to click but sometimes they just looked weird and Neil didn’t like thinking about it. Not without Bee there to talk him out of the bad thoughts. 

 

“It’s time, Neil. I will see you next week. Shall we talk  about transitioning then? I feel like you’ve been putting it away out of fear but it is good to confront your fears bit by bit.” 

 

Neil nodded. “Sure. Next time. I will be there.” 

 

He didn’t look back to the office when he got outside. The black car uncle Stuart had given him stood in its spot. Neil was forbidden from running outside. Uncle Stuart had also forbidden him from playing exy. Not that Neil listened. The only way someone could stop him from playing exy would be to tell Abby and that was a real low blow.

 

Neil got in his car and picked A.J. up outside fox tower and stepped on the gass. They were late for the echo. Two more times and they would know the gender of the baby. It felt surreal that some people didn’t want to know what gender their kids were. Neil knew better than anyone that gender could be different when the child grew up. Still he wanted to know if his kid would be assassinated for being a male Moriyama descendant or if he needed to protect a girl from an arranged marriage. Normal soon to be parent stuff, you know.

 

They could walk right through when they got in. Like Neil said, they were late. “Hello, Abram, Joseph. How are the both of you doing?” Doctor Queen said when they sat down. Neil was already unbuttoning his pants where he lay on the table. 

 

“Good, just started morning sickness a week ago and I had some cravings for things I wouldn’t normally eat.”

 

Doctor Queen laughed. She spread some of the cold gell on Neil’s stomach. “That is totally normal. Cravings are only natural. Gives you an excuse to tell Joseph to go to the store for you.”

 

“I really hope I don’t start craving pickles.” Neil scrunched his nose. 

 

“I hope you don’t start craving my ice cream,” A.J. said. His eyes were locked on the screen. It was a little up and above Neil’s head on the opposite of the darkened room. 

 

“I know. You won’t share anyway and buying it double will get Kevin mad at both of us.” 

 

The doctor laughed at them. She pointed out the tiny arms and legs and head and that it was all forming the way it should. For a seven week project it seemed healthy. 

 

They got out only half an hour after the appointment started. “It’s healthy,” Neil said. 

 

A.J. didn’t reply. 

 

“Do you think they’ll like cats? I want a cat.” Neil watched as a big cat with shiny, red fur walked along the street before disappearing in a bush. 

 

The look A.J. gave him could only resemble a sigh. “If you can keep a kid alive during college you can have a cat after college. That way your monster won’t torture the thing.” 

 

“You promised to be their dad. It’s your monster too you know.”

 

“If it has to be.”

 

“It doesn’t. If you don’t want to be. I could just move to uncle Stuart and let him keep the kid safe and you won’t have to do anything with it.”

 

“I promised, didn’t I?” A.J. said. He climbed into the driver’s seat of Neil’s car. It was habit for him to drive them home even if he didn’t drive towards the clinic. 

 

It might not have seemed much to anyone else but Neil knew. A.J.’s promises meant everything to him. Even if it meant raising a kid he wasn’t the father off, did not want and wasn’t even ready for. But A.J. had promised and neil believed him.


	12. The world knows now (it's you and me)

Week 9 of the pregnancy. Neil didn’t know how long he was supposed to have morning sickness but he knew this was getting to the longer side and during practice no less. He hadn’t made it to the bathroom and the look of his own puke on the court wall made Neil puke all over again. “Sorry, coach,” he said wiping his mouth. “Looks like I’m not feeling that well.”

 

Matt scoffed. “Not feeling that well, you’ve been puking for weeks now.”

 

Abby came out onto court with her arms crossed. “For weeks. You both haven’t told me? Does this have anything to do with that test a few weeks back?” 

 

Neil looked around. He got up off his knees and crossed his arms. His whole body was aching from the exhaustion puking brought him. “Maybe. I might be a tiny bit pregnant but at least I don’t have an STD or anything.”

 

Neil knew a drugged A.J. would’ve laughed at everyone’s expressions. Real A.J. just looked bored. Neil knew he stood at his side. 

 

“Is it Riko’s?” Allison asked. “If it’s his I can spot you to get it removed.”

 

Neil shook his head. It was time for their lie. A.J. had told him two weeks ago that he would stay with Neil and the baby. Now was the moment of truth. 

 

“If it’s not Riko’s, whos is it?” Dan asked. 

 

Neil wrapped his left hand in the hem off his jersey. He didn’t want to say it. Not with all of them there. 

 

“It’s mine,” A.J. said after a minute. “I accidentally knocked him up. I’ll help him raise the kid too. I figured if my brother was breaking his promise I could have some fun too.” A.J. turned to Aaron who was bright red. He was the only one who hadn’t realized A.J. wasn’t blind enough to miss his crush on the vixen. 

 

“I’m sorry, Neil,” Abby said. Everyone stopped staring at A.J. and Neil to look at her. Neil already knew it would be bad news. “You should’ve told me before and I hope you’ve been seeing a doctor but I need you to step off the court now. It’s too dangerous for you to play exy while pregnant.”

 

Neil went blank. He knew this would happen. He looked down at the court and the puddle of his lunch. “I’m sorry guys. I didn’t mean to mess up the season. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the first place but I’m not giving them up. Someone deserves a better life than we were all granted.”

 

Neil walked away from the court. He didn’t let himself look back. His hormones would only make him cry. He was only a little surprised when Renee was waiting for him in the lounge when he finished his shower.

 

She gave him one of her sweet smiles. “It’s a good thing you’re doing Neil. You must be scared.”

 

“Terrified,” he said. “My parents weren’t exactly role models.”

 

“Mine weren’t either. Want to talk about it?” She made a little more space on the couch. Neil sat down as far as he could. He knew it wouldn’t offend her. 

 

“I’m afraid I will be like them. What if I’m a bad parent?”

 

“Being afraid of being a bad parent is a trait only good parents have.” Renee clung to the cross around her neck. “My adoptive mother, Stephanie, she was terrified when she first adopted me. To remind you I was almost an adult. She wanted to give me a better start at life either way. She helped me get away from crime and try to be a better person myself. My birth mother did not have that.”

 

“My parents sold me to the highest bidder. He turned out to be an abusive piece of shit.”

 

Renee nodded. “I’m sorry that happened to you. It shouldn’t happen to any kid.”

 

“If something bad didn’t happen, we wouldn’t be foxes.” Neil stood up. Renee might not be so scary after all. Dangerous, very, but not scary. “I think you know that all too well.” Neil gave her a sharp smile and turned around. He only had three more days before Wymack would have to tell the ERC and the school board.  He needed to get ready for that. 

 

**

 

Twelve weeks pregnant and Neil just started to show. It was only a little bit but it gave him a sense of pride that filled him with disgust in turn. He shouldn’t be pregnant. Yet here he was carrying a little wonder. It was awful to his mind. Betsy had been a saving grace. 

 

A bad thing was that Neil hadn’t had to worry about telling the world. Everyone had kept it quiet for him. Neil almost forgot that Tetsuji was a part of the ERC. He knew Neil was pregnant and he had told his family, including Riko. 

 

Neil had been ignoring his texts. Stuarts men seemed to be working to keep him safe. Riko must’ve gotten tired of waiting. When Neil woke up on a friday, already bitter that he couldn’t play the game with the other foxes, and saw that the story of his pregnancy had leaked he broke down. 

 

Matt loaded pillows and blankets on and around him before fetching tea. Something Neil normally only drank on real bad days. Matt told the foxes and coach that he would be in a bit later because he had to take care of Neil and soon Allison and Kevin also stood in front of his door. Both looked equally disgruntled at having the same idea. 

 

“He’s my best friend,” Allison said cuddling Neil into her side.

 

Kevin sat down a couple feet away with an exy ball in his hands. “I’m just saying that I’m his brother and I have known him longer. I know how he coped with stuff.”

 

Kevin rolled the ball towards Neil. Neil threw it up and down a couple of times before rolling it back. “I’m fine, really. I didn’t expect anyone to know I was pregnant. The press was bad enough when they found out my birth name.”

 

Kevin and him rolled the ball back and forth a bit more. “I will come to the game but if anyone asks me if this baby is Riko’s I might freak out a bit. He did try to take advantage of me once.” Neil felt bad for lying but he couldn’t tell them the truth. Didn’t want too.

 

Slowly he saw his inbox filling up with texts. He didn’t know who it was. At this moment it was anyone’s guess. It could be Jean and Mia. It could be Jay and uncle Stuart. Maybe it was the team. Neil wasn’t ready to look.

 

“If you want to stay here during the game we would all understand,” Allison said. “You don’t need those vultures on your hide.”

 

“I cannot stay home and you know that. Staying away is basically confirming what they all think. I have to tell the press the truth,” or well the good, fabricated lie, “otherwise they’ll never leave it alone.”

 

They both gave him a sad, tired smile. All three of them were media trained. From kids to grown ups nothing in the media had changed. Everything was fake news. The truth was the lie most people wrote about and climate change was a myth. 

 

Well climate change was very much real and so would Neil make his lie. It would be other people’s truth. 

 

He didn’t open his phone until Kevin and Allison had left.

 

The first messages were form foxes. The three following were all Hatforts. Mostly a single long text of Jay screaming why he hadn’t told her. The last were from Riko.

 

**|| Riko: This is what happens when you defy the king. Enjoy your kid while you can.**

 

**|| Riko: They’re looking into your clinic right now. Soon the world will know the gender of your baby or should I say our.**

 

**|| Riko: I know it is mine, Natalia. You could lie to the press all you like. I know the truth. The family will have that baby.**

 

**|| Riko: I’m looking forward to seeing you all round. It’s all I ever dreamt for you. Round with my baby.**

 

**|| Riko: You can get pregnant almost right after you deliver. Guess you won’t be seeing much of an exy field after this.**

 

**|| Riko: You are both mine. No matter what your guard dog says.**

 

**

 

The press was worse than Neil had thought. Everyone was screaming over each other. Neil should’ve accepted the offer of a conference instead of walking into the press room. There was no going back now.

 

Neil opened his mouth. “I will only say it once so all of you should shut the fuck up. I already talked about this before. I was raised as Natalia Wesnisnki at that hell of a nest at Edgar Allen university till I was fifteen. That was the year I moved to Europe. I stayed there to get better at exy and recover from my broken wrist. 

 

“As all of you know I’m the fastest striker in class I exy. Me being transgender and taking on the name Neil Josten doesn’t change anything about that. The news of my pregnancy does. I will not disclose how far along I am. The life of this baby and this pregnancy will be as private as possible and I wish that the press and paparazzi abide to that wish. 

 

“After their birth I will be coming back to exy. Exy has always been my goal in life and the baby will only change that in making the sport number two. Foxes are foxes because they had rough lives. I wish this baby to have a better one. I won’t answer any more questions.”

 

Neil turned to leave. Of course that didn’t stop the press. What ever did? They were vultures and harpies living off of him. 

 

One brave reporter yelled the million dollar question. “Is Riko Moriyama the father?”

 

Neil turned around with his father’s smile and was glad they had talked this over. “No, but A.J. Minyard is.”


	13. Take a seat

Neil fell from the couch when a bag hit his head. It was huge, made of a fancy fabric and black. Of course it was black. A.J. had thrown it after all. Neil glared at him.

 

“Aren’t you going to open your present?” A.J. said. He walked through to the kitchen and came back with a beer can in his hands.

 

Neil snatched the bag of the couch and opened the zipper. It was a suit. Dark grey and a similar cut to what he had worn at Kathy’s show all those months ago. An orange tie finished the outfit.

 

“Why did you buy me a suit?” Neil zipped it shut and stood up before laying it over the back of the couch. He reminded himself of what had happened last time they were alone together in a room. He was so glad the morning sickness had stopped.

 

“My date to the fall banquet has to look good. At least Renee knew how to dress herself.” A.J. followed Neil with his eyes as the latter came closer.

 

“I’m your date?” Neil stopped a feet away. Just within arms reach. “Aren’t you supposed to ask me first? Or should I ask you?”

 

“Supposedly you’re carrying my child, do I have a choice in who I take to the banquet.” A.J. unwrapped a cherry lollipop. He may have stopped smoking but he’d gotten addicted to the sugar sticks.

 

Neil frowned. “You always have a choice with me.”

 

A.J. looked angry all of a sudden. “Yes or no?”

 

“Always yes.” Neil smiled as he was turned around and pressed against the wall.

 

A.J. reached for Neil’s hands and squeezed his wrists before pulling them up to his own shoulder. “Only here and above,” he bit into Neil’s lips. Neil nodded.

 

He moved his hands into A.J.’s hair and pulled softly. Encouraged by A.J’s groan he did it again gripping a bit harder.

 

When they broke apart they were both breathing hard. A flush lay over A.J.’s face and Neil didn’t think he was off much better. “Thank you for the suit,” Neil said with a smile. His own this time.

 

**

 

A week later they went to the banquet.

 

Wymack and Abby led the way after a speech about being good. Well Neil wasn’t about to be good if someone insulted him or his stomach. He’d punch the first person to comment on it.

 

Neil scanned the room and noticed their own chairs decked with orange. At the same table. He was ready to turn back around. They hadn’t yet played against them and Neil didn’t want too. He wasn’t able to play in that game and he felt bad for his team. They didn’t have enough strikers. They were lucky enough that the ERC could rule his pregnancy the same as a sprained ankle. Just a couple more months and he could return to the court. Maybe.

 

Neil let A.J. lead him towards their table. Dan walked in front of them head held high. She sat down right in front of Riko. “Dan Wilds, captain of the foxes.”

 

“I think everyone knows you. You and your team are a disgrace. That chair was reserved for someone else by the way.”

 

A.J. sat down to the right of Dan making Neil sit next to him. “For who? I didn’t know your daddy issues needed their own chair. Neil why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“Maybe they’re brother issues. Do you think he told Riko I have a lunch date with him somewhere next week.”

 

“Do not ignore me, Natalia. Remember this table knows their own fair share about your own daddy issues.”

 

Neil slowly turned towards Riko. He heard Matt protest about how that wasn’t Neil’s name. “Did you also share that my daddy taught me the trade. I’m sure Lola would be proud of me if I taught them a quick lesson.”

 

A couple of the older ravens blanched. They had met Lola when she came to pick Neil up years ago. Who would be able to forget a lady wearing knives like fine jewelry? Neil certainly couldn’t.

 

“Your brother is the final key in breaking the arranged marriage. If he says yes I’m free from you. Too bad he always liked me better. Not that he knows enough about you to make it a hard choice.” Neil raked a hand through his hair. He wanted to lean his head on A.J.’s shoulder and sighed when he was lead there. A strong hand kneading his neck.

 

Neil noticed Jean stand up and sit next to Mia. _“Is the pregnancy going well?”_ He asked in French.

 

Neil nodded. _“Only about ten more weeks before they start kicking. Morning sickness was hell though.”_ Next to Neil Kevin started laughing.

 

 _“He puked all over the court his ninth week. It was a mess.”_ Neil pushed him against Aaron.

 

 _“Can I tell the three of you a secret?”_ Neil asked.

 

 _“Of course,”_ Mia said.

 

 _“It’s going to be a girl. We found out a couple weeks back.”_ Neil’s family smiled and Kevin rubbed his back.

 

_“I’m proud of you, ducky.”_

 

_“Me too, big brother. Me too.”_

 

“ _W_ _hat did I say about talking in languages that I can’t speak?”_ Riko spoke in Japanese ruining the moment.

 

 _“We’re sorry,”_ Mia and Jean said. The both went back to their own chairs.

 

They were so scared and was Jean thinner? Did Mia always wear that many bracelets?

 

“I’m not sorry, Riko. Stop harassing my family just because you’re no longer a part of it. We parted ways. It happens. Get over it. Just because your father and brother don’t pay you any attention doesn’t mean you are entitled to mine so just shut the fuck up and leave us alone.”

 

Dan laid her head in her hands. Neil could just see the look of desperation. “Matt- Matt, please get coach.”

 

“Don’t worry, Dan,” Neil said. “I’ll go.” Neil squeezed A.J’s shoulder and stood up. “Be right back.”

 

He looked around and found the coaches table. They were at the end of the long line of tables, close to the door. Halfway to the coaches, Neil’s phone rang. There weren’t many people who had his number. The foxes, Mia, Jean, Riko, uncle Stuart. Nobody else and everyone who had it was already at the court.

 

Neil picked up when he saw the Maryland code. Home. It made him shiver.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Natalia, how are you?” Lola’s voice echoed on the other side of the line.

 

“Lola. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

 

“You still sound so much like your mother. Too bad she lost her accent. I’d love to hear her scream British.”

 

“What are you doing to my mother?” Neil walked closer to the door in the court. Half the room was looking at him but he knew nobody could be listening in.

 

“Nothing yet. She only made the transgression a couple hours ago. Tried to stop your father from going after you. She should’ve known better.”

 

“You bitch. What makes you think I won’t call up uncle Stuart to kill all of you right now?”

 

Lola feigned innocence. “Because you’re on the phone with me of course. Don’t think about getting off it until you meet me outside. You do remember what your favorite teachers look like, don’t you?”

 

So she brought her brother and partner. Great. Neil looked back into the room. He couldn’t warn any of them. His team wouldn’t get it. Wymack wouldn’t understand. Neil recognized Romero as one of the guards near the door.

 

“I just have to tell my team I have to pee. Can’t have them getting suspicious,” Neil told Lola.

 

“Of course not. Say hello to Riko for us. He told us where to find you.”

 

It felt like someone had thrown ice all over Neil. Of course he had.

 

“And don’t you dare cover the phone during your little goodbye. I want to hear every word.”

 

“That’s obvious,” Neil responded.

 

He told Wymack in short sentences what had happened at the table. “I’m sorry coach but he can’t go around hurting my family without consequences. The foxes are my family but so are Mia and Jean. I had to help them.”

 

Wymack didn’t even look disappointed. He just turned around to discuss with the other coaches while Neil walked towards his old table.

 

“Coach is moving us to his table,” Neil told the foxes. They stood up. “Hey Tanuki, you’re an asshole,” Neil said before turning and leaving.

 

Neil still gripped the phone when he sat down next to A.J. “You were amazing back there. You’re always amazing.”

 

“Don’t always me,” A.J. said. “What’s going on?”

 

“Just have to go pee real bad. I thought babies laid off your bladder the second trimester,” Neil joked. A.J. nodded while some of the coaches and the foxes laughed.

 

Neil shoved back his chair and dropped the key to his car and A.J.’s house on the seat of his chair. He wouldn’t be needing them for much longer.

 

Neil walked towards Romero and away from the court. He refused to look behind. He didn’t want to see any of their faces. He knew he wouldn’t see them again. This would not be his last memory of them. Laughing as he walked to his death.

 

He would miss them. He said goodbye to them and Neil Josten as he walked towards Romero. For this he could only be her.

 

In the hallway Romero took his phone from him. “Lola, I’ve got him. We’re coming to the car now.”

 

Romero threw the phone to the floor and stepped on it. The screen broke. He picked it up and pocketed it. “Not taking any chances with you, lady.”

 

Natalia’s breathing was too shallow.  She felt twelve again. Her against the twins. Her against knives in a dress and kitten heels.

 

She felt vulnerable and wrong. She knew they meant that to happen but it felt bad either way.

 

Lola was waiting outside with Jackson Plank. She’d known he wouldn’t be far away. They cuffed her to the front seat and started driving. “No funny business,” Lola said pressing a knife against the side of Natalia’s throat.

 

“I know. I remember the rules. Being pregnant didn’t alter my memory.”

 

“No but I think you forgot one. No sex with the second branch.”

 

“I didn’t want to,” Natalia bit out. “I didn’t want him to pin me down and take whatever he wanted. I’m not you.” For that, she got a punch against her sternum and Romero the order to drive faster.

 

They only stopped once to change cars. Lola spend the rest of the ride stripping Natalia of the weapons she had once taught her to use.  “They’re shiny. You remember how to clean them? Or are they still new? Shall we test them on your skin?”

 

She examined one of the thin blades. She ordered her brother to keep driving no matter what. Slowly she dug the blade into the flesh of her underarms. “Your father wanted you alive. Wanted you to watch as he cut your mother into pieces. The bitch deserves it. She never did satisfy him enough.”

 

Natalia struggled against the handcuffs. They bit into her flesh and she felt blood trickle down her palms. She couldn’t see if it was Lola’s work or hers that bled the most. She guessed Lola’s as she put the knife against herflesh again and again until she almost ran out of space. Then she began on the other arm.

 

“What do you think Patrick?” Natalia almost heard her cock her head.

 

“Maybe we should cauterize the wounds. Can’t have her bleed out before the boss gets her.”

 

Lola hummed. Romero took the next exit ramp towards an empty parking lot. The car stopped and Lola leant over the console. She sat down. Her breasts were too close to Natalia’s face. “You look so much like your father. If only you really were a man.”

 

She licked her face. “Should we also burn Riko’s marks off. Can’t have Natalia show up to her daddy’s place all marked up like a dog.”

 

The others just laughed.

 

Natalia passed out the moment she finished her arms.

 

She blinked her eyes open. She had no idea how much time had gone by. Her mother sat in the corned opposite her. Her hands chained to a link in the floor, her mouth gagged.

 

“Mum,” Natalia said. “What did he do to you? Are you okay?” She sat up. She wasn’t stuck to anything but didn’t trust herself to get close to her mother. Not when she saw her arms and fingers and felt the burn on her sides. She puked over her pants before lifting the hem of her shirt and puking the last remains from her stomach as well.

 

“That’s not okay, young lady,” Lola said. Natalia turned around and saw Lola sitting backwards in a chair. Simple wood. If she could still feel her fingers, she could skewer her on it.

 

First she had to get up. Without heaving from the pain. Wait just a little longer, she told himself.

 

The door at the top of the stairs opened. Warm, yellow light came down the stairs, followed by heavy footsteps and dark shadows.

 

Natalia didn’t cower to the wall as she would have done years earlier. She swallowed the bile and stood up. It was easier to defend herself when she stood.

 

“Natalia,” the man said. Nathan “the butcher” Wesninski. His greatest nightmare. “I don’t know what got into your head. I thought I’d beaten the stupidity out of you years ago. It seems like your mother’s side has fucked up again. They always were the weaker genes.”

 

He laid a finger under Natalia’s chin. “Look at me when I talk to you. I raised you better.”

 

“The ravens raised me, daddy dearest. Uncle Stuart did the rest.” Nathan pinched before letting go and punching her in the face.

 

“Don’t disrespect me like that again. I have a schedule to maintain starting with the execution of your mother and ending with yours.”

 

Nathan walked towards Patrick Dimaccio, his bodyguard and second. Natalia didn’t remember how many bruises he had given her.

 

Patrick held up and axe and a cleaver. The cleaver had given Nathan his nickname. The butcher of Baltimore. Rumor was that Tetsuji Moriyama took young Natalia Wesninski into his home to protect her from the wicked ways of her father. In reality Nathan had sold her to the highest bidder.

 

Nathan picked the cleaver. Mary wasn’t granted a clean and quick death.

 

Natalia was dragged to the chair and locked onto it. Lola laid down the tarp. At the end of the execution Natalia had lost her mother and gained three wounds to her upper arms.

 

Nathan handed the cleaver to Lola. “Clean this. My daughter deserves the same respect her mother got.” Nathan walked up the stairs with Patrick and Jackson following. They left Lola and Romero to clean the cleaver and guard a freed Natalia respectively.

 

Natalia was empty. No feelings, no fear, no mourning. Perhaps this was why A.J. spend so much time on the roof feeling. If this was all you had- Natalia would confront her fears too.

 

  * •



 

She didn’t go closer to his mother. She did sit down against the wall, waiting. She had made A.J. promise to protect the baby. She should help. Protect the little girl in his stomach. That’s what it was. A real kid.

 

Natalia wrapped her arms around her stomach and waited. He didn’t know how long it took for Nathan to return. He knew Lola was done cleaning the cleaver, that Romero had gone up stairs again before returning. When Nathan finally came down the stairs again, Natalia’s mother had already begun to smell.

 

Nathan didn’t wait. He didn’t speak this time. He grabbed the cleaver and walked closer to Natalia.

 

Natalia scrambled onto her feet and tried to get out of the way. The burns and wounds on her arms and hands screamed. Her side was leaking fluids.

 

Nathan swung the cleaver through the air. Sometimes Natalia was quick enough to avoid it. Sometimes she wasn’t and heard her father cackle every time the cleaver hit its mark.

 

Natalia missed the sign to Lola to make her trip up. Something her father used to do when she was younger. Natalia landed on her back trying to protect her stomach.

 

Her father landed on top of her and put the sharp edge of the cleaver on top of her stomach. “Here it is, my grandchild. Did you have to disappoint me so.”

 

“It’s not even a son,” Natalia croaked out. “Just another daughter. Turns out Riko can’t make sons.” She almost smiled.

 

She knew his father had figured out it was Riko’s. Lola had said as much. Not everyone was stupid enough to believe Natalia would just bear someone’s baby.

 

Nathan pushed down harder on the blade and Natalia felt her skin rip. She wanted to push her father away but knew that would only make it worse. Prolong the pain. The only thing Natalia could do for her baby was a clean death.

 

She felt the cleaver cut through muscles and tendons when the door opened. Gunshots were all over the room. People ran into the room and Nathan fell dead on top of Neil.

 

The last thing Neil saw before passing out was uncle Stuart’s face.


	14. Deal, dead, daddy

Neil woke up to the beeping of a heart monitor. Beep, beep, beep. His throat was dry. The lights overhead were too bright. Everything hurt. He felt in ruins. 

 

He turned his head before opening his eyes again. Uncle Stuart sat in the chair next to the bed. He was asleep, deep purple bags under his eyes. 

 

“Uncle Stuart,” Neil asked. 

 

Uncle Stuart woke up as violently as A.J. on drugs. “Abram, my boy you’re awake.” 

 

Stuart scooted closer in his chair and held a glass of water with a straw near Neil’s mouth. “Drink. You’ve been out for four days.”

 

“Uncle Stuart-” Neil hesitated. “Is my father dead?” 

 

“Yes. Your mother too.” It was Stuart’s turn to hesitate. “I’m sorry to tell you this but the baby was already gone when we got you to the hospital. It’s a wonder you survived with how deep your father went.” 

 

Neil moved his hand to his stomach and found a large bandage. He lifted his arms. They were wrapped from almost his shoulder to the tips of his fingers. “Will I at least be able to play exy?” 

 

Stuart laughed, hard and loud. “But of course that’s your second thought. The doctor thinks you can get back to it as soon as all your stitches come out.Also the ones in your chest. You told Jay once you wanted to do top surgery. This sounded like as good a time as any.”

 

Neil looked down and pulled up the gown. The bandages over his stomach were still a bit stained with blood but the top one was clean. He was careful with pulling it off. When he saw his chest he started crying. There it was. Flat, scared, like a man. He had a flat chest. He didn’t know what to say. “Thank you. Thank you, uncle Stuart. Is A.J. here? I think he’ll take the loss of the baby hard and I want to see his face when I tell him.”

 

Stuart stroked Neil’s hair. “There’s a couple more things I have to ask you. Then you can get some rest and he’ll be here when you wake up again.”

 

Neil nodded again. It seemed fair. 

 

“So I’ve spoken to the Moriyamas. We’ve come to an agreement. The fight between Riko and you has gotten too public. It wouldn’t be believable for you to go back. I wouldn’t want you too. Now the Moriyamas get eighty percent of your earnings ‘till you stop playing and the family gets to keep you safe. There are no more threats from the Moriyama family. Second, we’ve gotten control of Riko’s fate. He’s either dead tomorrow or they’re breaking some bones in his body so he can no longer play. Your choice.” 

 

“What did A.J. say?” Neil asked. He knew. He also knew what he wanted even if it left him feeling no better than his father. 

 

“Dead. On behalf of you and your little family.” Stuart continued stroking Neil’s hair. 

 

“I agree with him. Do they get free too?” 

 

Stuart smiled. “They might have to. If Riko dies of a supposed suicide they’ll look into the team. They’re going to need to find different teams.” 

 

“Kevin can call Jeremy and they will always be welcome with the foxes,” Neil decided. “I’m sure the team agrees with me.” 

 

“I hope they do, kid.” Stuart stayed with him until he fell asleep. 

 

The next time Neil woke up A.J. was standing in front of the window. His back was turned to Neil. “I thought I said to tell me if something bothers you. It saves us both a lot of trouble.” 

 

“I did,” Neil said. His voice was whispery. “I left you my keys. Your key.” 

 

“I’d throw them to your head if I thought that would still work.” A.J. finally turned around. He crossed his arms and walked closer. “Never do this to me again.” 

 

“Did uncle Stuart tell you? About the baby.” 

 

He nodded. “I broke my promise.”

 

“And I broke mine,” Neil said. “I promised to stay so Kevin would be safe. I’m going to miss the baby. I never met her and I hated being pregnant but I’m gonna miss her.”

 

“Me too,” A.J. murmured. Neil scooted over to make room in the bed. He sat down next to him. “Did you think about names?”

 

“I don’t think we should. We already lost her.”

 

“We?”

 

“You wanted to be her dad.”

 

“A better parent than mine were.” Neil silently agreed with him. 

 

He laid his head down on A.J.’s shoulder. He was still there. Still solid. Still holding up the world. Neil felt safe for the first time since waking up. 

 

“I want to call you by your first name,” he whispered. “Only when it’s you and me. Have it be our thing. A good memory.”

 

Neil felt A.J. nod against his hair. “Do it.”

 

“You are amazing, Andrew,” Neil said. 

 

“Do it again.” 

 

Neil pulled away to look at him. “Andrew. Why do I get to call you that?”

 

A.J. laid a hand on Neil’s cheek. “When you say it it sounds like you want the world to believe I’m good. I’m not good. I never will be.”

 

“You don’t have to be. I’m not good either. We can be bad together.”

 

A.J. nodded. “Be bad together. Yes or no?”

 

“Always, Andrew. Always only you.” Neil moved in for the kiss. Neil led his hands be lead into Andrew’s hair. They didn’t stop until Neil’s sides hurt from the burns and exhaustion. 

 

Andrew called the nurse and slid off the bed before they reached the room. He stood on the side waiting while they checked Neil over and changed the bandages.  His face didn’t change when he saw Neil’s flat chest but Neil smiled big enough for both of them. 

 

His arms were cut into ribbons and he had horizontal slashes on his upper arms from the cleaver. The worst was his stomach which they had stapled together. Apparently they removed the fetus with Stuart’s permission. Otherwise Neil would have to give birth to a dead baby and they all believed he had been through enough trauma. 

 

After the nurses had checked on him they cleared him sound enough to return to school. Uncle Stuart would drive them back himself. He didn’t trust anyone after his guards let Neil be abducted by Nathan’s men and Lola. 

 

The drive back was silent. Neil sat in back because of his injuries while A.J. was forced to ride in the front.

 

“Remember, midget. If you get my nephew pregnant before the both of you finish school and get hitched I will finish you.” 

 

“Just indoctrinate him, uncle Stuart. Killing A.J. is difficult enough as it is. Just make him a bad guy like you and me and welcome him to the family. Well disappear off the face of the world and work for you. Did I tell you he has an eidetic memory.”

 

Stuart pursed his lips. “So he might be useful?”

 

“Very,” Neil said sleepily.

 

“You may keep him but if he hurts you-“

 

“I’ll be dead. I know it,” A.J. said. “I won’t hurt him if he doesn’t want me too. Can’t promise that I won’t throw an exy ball at his helmet but he’ll be protected.”

 

Uncle Stuart glared at him and Neil had to compliment how stoic he seemed. Maybe he was. Neil believed him when he said he wouldn’t hurt Neil. A.J. might even let him hide a cat in fox tower. 

 

Saying goodbye to uncle Stuart didn’t take long. It was the usual threats of dress better and keep the car scratch free but otherwise he just made sure his nephew was taken care off. 

 

Neil appreciated it. Or he would in the future when he was no longer being babied and had to face his cousin Jay. She was tougher than her father. She must’ve gotten it from aunt Harriet the second. 

 

Upstairs Neil found all the foxes in his room. Matt’s face was still a bit red from the tears and so was Allison’s. “I thought you died,” she cried out as she saw him. 

 

She ran to his side to hug him and pulled away as fast as he flinched. One raised eyebrow and he had to tell her everything. Had to tell the team. “My dad tried to kill me. Cut me open. I lost the baby which was actually Riko’s and won’t be cleared to play until at least three weeks.”

 

“The doctor said five.” A.J. glowered at him. 

 

“I know how stitches work. Three will be fine.” 

 

“Take four and discuss with Abby,” Dan interjected. “Happy to see you alive, Neil.” 

 

“Happy to be alive.” Neil looked around the room. They were all there. His fox family. He walked to Kevin and wrapped one arm around his shoulder. “Glad to see you’re happy to be free off Riko. Maybe call Jean, Mia and Jeremy for me. See what teams they all want to play at.” 

 

Kevin gave him a watery smile. “I’ve never felt this way.” 

 

“Now you’ve only got to talk to your dad.” 

 

“Doing that today. I’ve got a good one,” Kevin said. 

 

Neil nodded at him. 

 

“It’s time for you to go to bed,” A.J. said. He wrapped an arm around Neil and hoisted him up. The rest of the team no longer looked up at the casual contact. 

 

“I think it’s time to let Aaron date,” Neil said. This made the team look up. 

 

Somehow A.J. looked even more blank. “Great. First you get me to adopt a baby, than you want to foster a cat, now you want me to let my little brother date. Guess you’re free, Aaron. I’ll be speaking with your little cheerleader soon, you’ve been warned.”

 

Neil didn’t know if Aaron looked more relieved or scared but he instantly had his phone in his hands. 

 

A.J. hitched him a bit higher on his feet before dragging him to the bed room. They heard the rest of the team disperse. Talking about empty dorm rooms. Neil choose not to listen. He dreaded climbing into his bed.

 

“Living room?” A.J. asked. Neil nodded. A.J. climbed up the loft and got Neil’s stuff before walking to the living room. “I hoped you would be gone.” 

 

Neil shuffled out of the room and saw that the others had gotten their sleeping stuff. “Don’t want him to be gone next time we wake up. With a family like his who knows what will happen next?” Allison said. 

 

Neil leant against the wall before deciding again and walking to a chair. “Father is dead, so is my mother. Uncle Stuart loves me and the Moriyamas don’t own me. They just own my bank account. I’m safe.” 

 

“We’re still sleeping over,” Nicky said. He dropped two sets of bedding on the floor. “I even brought A.J.’s.” 

 

A.J. sighed but Neil smiled. His family was all there for him. Maybe the rest of the year would be better. Otherwise they would be together and that was good either way. 


	15. Epilogue - learn to fly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the epilogue, the end of this journey. maybe some day in a long long time i will put up a mini fic on what happened during that year with them healing and everything but for now this is the ned. there is one more beautiful art piece at the end by Mistykaru who I have to thank for being a saving grace and an angel with too much patience.

It had almost been a year since Neil first set foot at Palmetto. So much had happened those first months. So much was still happening. Some days he felt overwhelmed. He had never expected to live this life but he never again wanted another one. 

 

Neil looked at Andrew. Andrew. Just for him. 

 

Neil had gotten pregnant, lost his baby, broke up with his fiancé and had to mourn someone he hated as well as his mother all in the span of five months. 

 

“You’re staring,” Andrew said. 

 

“There are almost no pictures of you at the court,” Neil said. He pulled his phone from his pocket. A grey one with a camera. He’d gifted Andrew a black one just a couple weeks back. “Why?”

 

“Nobody ever asked.”

 

If Neil didn’t know that Andrew didn’t lie he’d have called him out on it. He was sure that Nicky might’ve asked a couple of times but since Andrew didn’t smile in any of the pictures Nicky had probably given up. 

 

“Besides the team photo there’s no picture of me either. Do you want to take one with me?” Neil smiled and hovered a hand over Andrew’s. He didn’t grab his hand until Andrew turned his with the palm up. 

 

Andrew seemed to think it over before nodding. “Okay.” 

 

Neil handed over his phone and prompted Andrew. “Take a picture.” 

 

Andrew turned the phone over and took two pictures. One picture was for the wall inside the court. Andrew looking at the camera with a black face and Neil smiling wide. 

 

The other would be just for the two of them. Like Andrew, Joseph, Abram, family. It was Neil smiling at Andrew with crinkly eyes and bloated cheeks while he poked Andrew’s cheek.  Andrew was giving him a serious case of side eye. 

 

Andrew hated the photo. Neil put it as his background.

 

He looked at it in the bus and in the plane in the other bus going to the Trojan court for the finals. The team that would house Mia and Jean the next year. He looked at it before he had to play the game. 

 

It was all over but for Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard it all just begun. They reminded each other that they were finally home. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/143766018@N05/43427572235/in/dateposted-public/)

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter ends but no sorrys because this story is uploaded as a whole in their own respective chapters.  
> with love, @queenofseventeen


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